itinere | Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

Ronan kept glancing at Adam sitting in the passenger seat. This place wasn't perfect. It lacked three very important people for it to be perfect. However, moments like this Ronan thought maybe he wouldn't be upset if they didn't find that door back to Cabeswater soon. He wouldn't say that because just saying the words seemed like sacrilege to him, but that didn't stop him from thinking it.

Ronan slowed the car and took the turn off down a crooked mountain road that opened up into a wide valley cloaked in fog. There surrounded by pipe fencing were the bars that his home had been named for. It came complete with the sleeping cows, the gravel driveway that Niall had been killed in and the farmhouse that always looked a little shabby and a bit sprawling as if it'd been added onto through the years without much regard to design.

He pulled the car into the drive way and cut the ignition, looking over at Adam, waiting for him to say something.

The wind whipped past his hand and arm, pushing it back with force as Ronan sped through the hills. Adam kept pushing his arm forward as if to say 'see, air? I am mighty'. The fog almost made the rolling hills feel like home. But it wasn't until certain structures started coming into view that Adam pulled his arm inside and sat up straighter in his seat to look out over the landscape.

He knew this place. He would never forget it.

His gaze landed on Ronan the closer they got and stayed there, watching him in profile as he pulled the car into the drive and killed the ignition. They sat there in silence for a good solid minute before Adam asked. "Did you dream this?"

Ronan kept track of Adam's reactions out of the corner of his eye. Those reactions were as important to him as his own reactions, maybe particularly in regards to this place. He couldn't trust his reactions to this to place. It had far too many emotional ties to him.

It was a long time before Ronan answered, at least that solid minute. He didn't get out of the car. He didn't make any move to get out of the car. "I don't know." There was a longing in those words, in Ronan's voice. This was the place he would want more than any place on earth. Cabsewater here, he'd found, felt much like Cabeswater back home. He figured it all had to do with the ley lines and them both being a magical forest on the ley lines (maybe the same magical forest for all he knew). The Barns...there was no other place that felt like The Barns, not to Ronan. It was home in a way that was in Ronan's skin, in his bones, in his blood.

"I think you're better qualified to answer that."

There was a longing in those words, in Ronan's voice. This was the place he would want more than any place on earth. Cabsewater here, he'd found, felt much like Cabeswater back home. He figured it all had to do with the ley lines and them both being a magical forest on the ley lines (maybe the same magical forest for all he knew). The Barns...there was no other place that felt like The Barns, not to Ronan.

Because something this big would pull on the ley lines. Adam would notice if he took this much power.

Adam knew exactly how much this place meant to Ronan. He had never had anyplace like this that was so important to him. The closest he could equate it to was the apartment adjoining St. Agnes. No matter how it had come into his possession, it was his. It was a safe place. But still, it paled in comparison to the Barns and what they meant to Ronan.

With their recent foray into the forests to repair ley lines, Adam's mind felt clear. He was as sharp as he had been in awhile. Ronan was free to dream whatever he wanted and it would take a lot for Adam to really feel it. But something this big? Adam would feel it.

He shook his head, letting Ronan know that he didn't feel anything. Itinere, in the same magical way that it gifted them with other things they needed and some things they didn't even know they needed, must have done this. And Adam, being Adam, had to wonder what they might want in return. They had yet to ask for anything.

"Have you looked around? Is everything here?" Because they would have had to pull every last detail from Ronan's memory to make it perfect.

That was one reason that Ronan was glad that Adam was here to share this. That was the reason that Ronan needed his opinion on the place. He needed to know if this felt as real to Adam as it felt to him.

That was what Ronan figured. Maybe if he'd dreamed it a little over time, but this hadn't happened over time. This had happened all at once. It might not deplete the ley lines here; it might not drive Adam to the edge of sanity, but he would feel it regardless.

That was hard for Ronan to accept simply because this was a lot to ask for, this was a lot to give and this meant that Itinere was prodding further into his brain than he liked.

"Yeah. Down to the barnful of frustration dreams and the mice in the feed bags." It was damn near scary. Ronan took a deep breath, held it then let it noisily.

"Come on. I'll show you," he said as he got out of the car slamming the door shut. He crouched on the gravel, fingertips ghosting over the rocks, sifting through them. "They even got his blood right."

For awhile, Adam just sat in the car watching Ronan more than looking at the Barns. He knew the emotional impact this would have on Ronan. He knew what the Barns, and everything in the Barns, meant to him. Adam felt ill equipped to help him. Like looking at an unfamiliar engine and not knowing which tools to use.

But he was the magician. He could figure it out. Couldn't he?

He got out of the passenger side, lingering by the closed door for a moment before shoving his hands into his pockets and moving closer to Ronan. All this detail; the rocks the grass, the barns, the house, Niall's blood...

Adam shook his head. "You didn't dream this. I would've felt it." Something this big? Hell yes, he would have felt it.

It was a huge emotional impact, but in many ways it was a good emotional impact. This was home to him; the barns were almost a part of his soul the way Chainsaw was. It had nearly driven him crazy when he hadn't been able to come here back in Henrietta. He needed this place like he needed air. It was simply a lot, overwhelming. All Adam really needed to do in order to help Ronan was to be there with him physically and emotionally. He needed him to love this place the same way he loved this place.

Ronan crouched there a moment with Adam standing next to him then pushed himself up straight. It was a relief in some ways to know that however it was possible this wasn't a dream thing. He could dream a thousand barns, a thousand worlds but at what point did he start living in nothing but a dream world? Even a dream world made real. He needed the barns to be something he didn't dream.

Ronan nodded at Adam's words, hesitating only a moment before he reached back to grab Adam's hand and hold onto it tightly as they walked toward the house.

If there is anything Adam is good at, it's at standing still and watching and waiting until the moment comes to act. He would stand here all damn day if that was what it took for Ronan to accept that he hadn't dreamed this and be ready to move on. It had to be a double edged sword, he thought. Good in some ways, confusing in others. Itinere continually surprised the both of them by giving them what they needed.

When Ronan stood, Adam was glad that he reached back for his hand. Because he'd been itching to reach out and touch the whole time he had been crouched there, to offer comfort, but feeling like it wasn't enough. So when Ronan reached back, Adam was so hyper aware of it that his hand met Ronan's halfway. And while Ronan held onto his hand, Adam was sure to hold onto Ronan's in return.

He wasn't sure what to say. So he stayed quiet and let Ronan take the lead. He couldn't help but look over to the Barn where Niall Lynch's office was, where Adam had first been kissed by Ronan right before they came here. While it had been so confusing at the time, in hindsight the memory had taken on a certain air of fondness with him.

Really, Adam's affirmation that he hadn't felt the pull of power that this would take to dream was all Ronan needs to convince him that however the Barns came to be here, it wasn't through Cabeswater, through the ley lines. This wasn't a dream.

Ronan wasn't easy to offer comfort to. He didn't invite it in just as he didn't invite most emotions that weren't anger in. He probably wouldn't have pushed Adam away, but Ronan didn't blame him for not approaching. It never occurred to him that Adam would offer comfort to him. He was incredibly grateful that Adam met his hand halfway, that Adam held on tightly to his hand.

Part of the reason that Ronan wanted Adam here was to share this with him, to give himself an anchor. He remembered that kiss. He remembered bringing Adam and the others here to bury the nightmare they'd killed in Monmouth. He stayed the course toward the house though, skirting around to go in through the kitchen rather than the front door simply because that was the door he was accustomed to using.

"You can shower here if you want. Upstairs. There should be clothes in the dresser. I'm going to make eggs."

Yes. That's how he's going to handle this. He's going to make eggs. He's going to brood a little more on the Barns being here. He's going to think about what it means and he's going to act like this is a normal day. He's going to spend some 'normal' time in the house and see how it feels.

On the house, everything looks the same. And just like the other times he had been here, Adam can hardly believe that Ronan grew up in this place. It's just... so nice. He remembers the mask on the wall upstairs that Ronan hadn't wanted hi to touch. Even now, he's careful about touching things here now. Everything here held a memory for Ronan. He didn't want to upset him.

So that's why he watches Ronan for a bit just to make sure when he offers a shower to him that he really means it. When Ronan turns into the kitchen and starts with the eggs, Adam starts upstairs to where he knows Ronan's bedroom and bathroom were.

"I won't be long." He calls behind him. Pretty soon, the tell tale sign of water running through the pipes can be heard as it can be in all houses like this.

It's nice in a different way than Gansey's house. It's eclectic, a little cluttered. Niall had been a hoarder and it showed in the way things gathered on the countertops and in the corners of the rooms. It was a home stuffed with things from Niall's travels all over the world, stuffed with dream objects. Ronan doesn't care if Adam touches things as long as he stays away from the mask on the wall, the mask he ought to burn at first opportunity. Eventually, he'll tell him that. He would like for Adam to make himself at home here because it is home for Ronan in a different way than Monmouth.

Ronan nods silently another confirmation that Adam can make himself at home here. "Towels are in the bathroom," he tosses over his shoulder as Adam leaves the room. He gets a few eggs out of the fridge, mixes them with half and half then pours them into the omelet pan that's warming on the stove. By the time Adam gets out of the shower, Ronan will have made beans, toast, sausage and eggs. No one wants to give Ronan coffee, Itinere included it seems, so there's orange juice. It's all sat on the worn table in the kitchen.

The Lynch home had character. It was perfectly imperfect. It was the kind of place that Adam thought, if he were to ever live in a big house, that he could call home without feeling out of his depth and out of place. Adam, of course, wasn't sure he would ever be in a place to own a house like this. But he could live here. He didn't feel entirely unwelcome by the inanimate object of the house alone as he had in Gansey's home.

Adam takes a quick shower, getting the oil and dirt off of him, even washing his messy hair, before turning off the water. He wraps himself in a towel and goes into Ronan's old room. He felt like he shouldn't be in there without Ronan the moment he walked into it. so he backed back out and just returned to the bathroom to put on Ronan's clothes that he had worn over here. That was good enough for him.

He padded back down the stairs, carrying his tennis shoes and his socks. In the kitchen, Ronan was still at the stove. Adam sat down at the table and leaned over to pull his socks and shoes on. "Thanks. I feel better already."

They'd probably end up spending half their time here, half at the flat in town depending on how the other felt. There were times he couldn't deal with this place, with the nostalgia of it, with remembering how he grew up here with Matthew, with Declan. There were times that it seemed too constricting, like he couldn't ever live up to this and then there were others that it calmed him, made him feel at peace and stable in a way that nothing else ever could. He needed The Barns as if they were food or air. They anchored him, particularly when Gansey wasn't here.

So next time he'd go in there with Ronan. They'd probably spend the night in there, unless Adam would rather take Matthew's old room, but that wouldn't be Ronan's choice.

He glanced over his shoulder when Adam walked in the kitchen. "Welcome," he said as he finished up the food and put it on plates then put two plates on the table. His eyes slipped over Adam, grinning a little. "You look better too."

The truth was he didn't care whether Adam was covered in oil and dirt. He was pretty sure Adam knew that.

Adam would be sure to leave how often they were here and how often they were in the city up to Ronan. This was Ronan's home. Adam just couldn't ever see himself being here without Ronan. And he'd only ever come here if Ronan wanted him here. Someday, he might be more comfortable moving around the place than he was now. But he would always be conscious of Ronan and how the other was dealing with all of this.

The compliment gets Adam to flush with heat, his skin turning a rose hue that had nothing to do with his warm shower from moments before. It caught him so by surprise that he started to smile and had to dip his head and pull his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it.

"Thanks." He says. Thanking Ronan for saying he looked better. Thanking Ronan for letting him use his shower. Thanking Ronan for the food. Sometimes he felt like there was an ever growing list of things he needed to thank Ronan for.

He picked up his fork. "So is it like everywhere else? You think really hard about it and it's here? Eggs in the fridge, cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer?" He had no idea if there was cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer, only that he continually wished for it back at their apartment and it was somehow always there. Was it the same here? Had Ronan willed eggs to cook into existence? Had he willed the Barns here?

Part of the reason that Ronan won't ever want to move here completely is because the flat belongs to the both of them. It's theirs. This place will always be Ronan's home. It's a home that Adam is wanted in and that Ronan wants him to be comfortable in, but it's still Ronan's and he understands that. Everything about this place is so completely Lynch.

Ronan smirks at the way Adam blushes, at the way he ducks his head and almost smiles. He takes a seat on one side of the table and nudges the other seat out with his toes so Adam will have a place to sit. He grunts a little at the thanks.

He nods at Adam's question as he digs into his own food. It's a moment before he answers both because he's eating and because he's mulling it over. "Maybe? I mean...it makes as much sense as anything else in this place. Fuck load of power to bring it here without any drain on the place though."

Adam brings a fork full of eggs to his mouth without even thinking much about it. Food is food. Eggs were eggs. He only thinks about it after the fact once he realizes the eggs are actually pretty good. Seasoned, maybe with cheese in them. Nice and fluffy. Ronan Lynch had made him eggs. Just when he thought there was nothing else that could surprise him about Ronan.

It was a simple thing. But then, Adam was a simple sort of person. He was used to frozen foods put in oven or microwave. He was used to gas station candy and chips and things like that.

He takes another bite after a moment of consideration. "And it's magic. No technology I could ever imagine could bring something this big here. It has to be magic. Unexplainable but possible."

Ronan isn't a master chef, but he knows how to make a few things. Eggs and bacon are one of them. He also brews a mean cup of coffee. It came from watching Niall during those late nights and early, early mornings when he'd reappear from where ever he'd gone.

He was good with the simple things, like mix tapes and hand cream. It helped that Adam was good with those things as well.

Ronan ate his eggs as he listened to Adam. "Not like Cabeswater magic...different magic?"

"Different." It wasn't like Cabeswater, the power that ran through him and Ronan and connected the two of them together for forever. Hopefully, for forever. Yes, Adam could hope for that. And never tell anyone ever that he hoped for that.

He pokes the prongs of his fork into his eggs. "Is it weird to still think Cabeswater is more powerful?" Even with all of this, the barns and everything that just magically shows up in Itinere. Cabeswater still felt stronger. Maybe it was just because it was something that Adam really felt as it coursed through him sometimes. But Cabeswater felt more real.

Ronan nods. He doesn't know what this magic feels like, but he knows what Cabeswater magic feels like. He knows how it connects and how it pushes, how it pulls and bonds. He loves the way Cabeswater magic makes him feel, the way that it binds he and Adam together into something that's solid, something that's right. If he could hope for forever and never tell anyone that, so could Ronan, and he did. He isn't as eloquent about it even in his head. He knows he doesn't want it to end, whatever it is. He knows that he can't imagine his life without Cabeswater magic, without Adam.

He shakes his head at Adam's question. "It's more subtle....like...fuck. Like I'd know what subtle is...it's the BMW instead of the Pig."

Adam waits for Ronan to get there, to think through whatever it is he needs to think through to get to the comparison. And once he does get there, the analogy is damn near perfect. It's exactly right. And of course Ronan would know. He feels Cabeswater every bit as much as Adam does. And in some ways, to feel Cabeswater is to feel Adam.

Sometimes, how linked and intertwined the two of them are, overwhelms Adam.

After a few moments, and a few more bites of his eggs, he nods. "I get what you're saying." He pauses. "So is this a good thing? The Barns being here?"

Ronan likes that Adam gives him the space and time to think things through. Ronan tends to react then process so when he does it in reverse order, he needs time to process. Cabeswater, Adam and Ronan are all so tied up together that sometimes Ronan isn't sure where one ends and the other begins.

Usually it's comforting to Ronan, but sometimes it terrifies him. He knows how Cabeswater can be hurt, knows how that can hurt Adam in turn. He also knows that he can't always control himself when he dreams. He knows that he could, inadvertently, hurt both Adam and Cabeswater, maybe irreparably.

He doesn't hesitate, but nods. "Most of the time anyway." He glances around. "I can't live here all the time. It's why I don't back home. It's...overwhelming." All of the home-ness of it, the nostalgia, the Niall-ness of it, but it's also comforting and necessary, like a part of Ronan's soul, his blood and his bones, his lungs and his heart made into a place.

"You okay with staying here sometimes?" And there's more vulnerability in his words than he wants to admit to. He wants Adam to love the Barns, at least a little like he loves them.

Adam nods, understanding. This place was all of Ronan's past; the good and the bad and the fantastical and the heartbreaking. All of that rolled into one could of course be overwhelming. Adam could understand that in the same way that his own freedom from the trailer park was overwhelming as well.

Isn't it strange how good things can sometimes be too much? Adam would have never thought it to be true until he'd finally gotten one good thing.

"Yeah. We can stay here sometimes." He says. Adam would do this for Ronan. Maybe eventually he would get comfortable enough here to not be so worried about going into the varying rooms and touching different things. Maybe eventually he wouldn't feel out of place if just because Ronan wanted him here.

He finishes what's left of his eggs. "Your room upstairs... it's kind of huge, by the way. Like... as big as the living room and the kitchen in the trailer I used to... you know."

it had only become more overwhelming when he'd made so many realizations about Niall, when it had become something forbidden by Niall himself. Having it here was both a comfort and a heartache. It makes him realize how homesick for everything back home he is: monmouth, Gansey, Noah, Aglionby, everything.

Good things are scary because they can be taken away from you, because they can be used against you.

He nods his gratitude, glad that Adam is allowing him to share this place with him. He wants him to be comfortable here. He is wanted here and Ronan hopes in time he'll feel that way. It's home to Ronan, but Adam has somehow become home as well.

He smirks as he finishes his own eggs then grabs up the plates and rinses them in the sink. "Yeah. Declan was always pissed because Dad gave me the biggest room. He thought it ought to be his 'cause he was the oldest." He looks back over his shoulder at Adam as he finishes washing up the dishes. "it can be your room too. Like...our room back at the apartment."

"Declan is always pissed just to be pissed." It didn't seem to Adam that Ronan's older brother had ever needed a reason to be an asshole. The difference between Declan and Ronan, at least in that regard, was that Declan pretended to be something he wasn't. He pretended to be cultured and whatever else. Ronan was honest about himself. He didn't try not to be pissed off when he was pissed off.

Adam respected that honesty.

He stands and moves closer to Ronan, about halfway between where he had been at the table and the sink. So when Ronan looks back he's standing there, his hand crossed over his chest. When Ronan said that it could be theirs, his heart leaped up into his throat. His first instinct was to say he didn't want to take up space with things that were Ronan's. But something told him that this was important, that it was a big deal for Ronan to offer it to him.

He nods, looking down at the kitchen floor. "Yeah, okay. Like... our space." He was going to have to work to think of it like that. But he would try.

Ronan smirks at that because it's true. Adam is also dead on about Declan and Ronan. Declan cared what people thought about him, cared about the image he projected. Ronan didn't want people to like him. He didn't care that the general opinion of him was 'Gansey's pit bull'. Anger is his armor.

Ronan turns once the dishes are done to look at Adam. There's not much space between them. He's watching Adam's reaction, trying to decide what the other boy is thinking. It is a big deal. He's inviting Adam further into his life, into a life that he didn't share with many people, into not only his future but his past.

His brow furrows as he watches Adam look down. He steps closer enough to put his hand underneath Adam's chin and tilt his face up to look at him. "Like our space. This whole damn place....I know it's mine, but I want you here too. Got it?"

Maybe it would sound like an order to anyone listening, like Ronan was commanding Adam to be here, but it's more of a plea. He's asking, pleading for him to be here with him.

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