itinere | Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

Ronan nods. He doesn't know what this magic feels like, but he knows what Cabeswater magic feels like. He knows how it connects and how it pushes, how it pulls and bonds. He loves the way Cabeswater magic makes him feel, the way that it binds he and Adam together into something that's solid, something that's right. If he could hope for forever and never tell anyone that, so could Ronan, and he did. He isn't as eloquent about it even in his head. He knows he doesn't want it to end, whatever it is. He knows that he can't imagine his life without Cabeswater magic, without Adam.

He shakes his head at Adam's question. "It's more subtle....like...fuck. Like I'd know what subtle is...it's the BMW instead of the Pig."

Adam waits for Ronan to get there, to think through whatever it is he needs to think through to get to the comparison. And once he does get there, the analogy is damn near perfect. It's exactly right. And of course Ronan would know. He feels Cabeswater every bit as much as Adam does. And in some ways, to feel Cabeswater is to feel Adam.

Sometimes, how linked and intertwined the two of them are, overwhelms Adam.

After a few moments, and a few more bites of his eggs, he nods. "I get what you're saying." He pauses. "So is this a good thing? The Barns being here?"

Ronan likes that Adam gives him the space and time to think things through. Ronan tends to react then process so when he does it in reverse order, he needs time to process. Cabeswater, Adam and Ronan are all so tied up together that sometimes Ronan isn't sure where one ends and the other begins.

Usually it's comforting to Ronan, but sometimes it terrifies him. He knows how Cabeswater can be hurt, knows how that can hurt Adam in turn. He also knows that he can't always control himself when he dreams. He knows that he could, inadvertently, hurt both Adam and Cabeswater, maybe irreparably.

He doesn't hesitate, but nods. "Most of the time anyway." He glances around. "I can't live here all the time. It's why I don't back home. It's...overwhelming." All of the home-ness of it, the nostalgia, the Niall-ness of it, but it's also comforting and necessary, like a part of Ronan's soul, his blood and his bones, his lungs and his heart made into a place.

"You okay with staying here sometimes?" And there's more vulnerability in his words than he wants to admit to. He wants Adam to love the Barns, at least a little like he loves them.

Adam nods, understanding. This place was all of Ronan's past; the good and the bad and the fantastical and the heartbreaking. All of that rolled into one could of course be overwhelming. Adam could understand that in the same way that his own freedom from the trailer park was overwhelming as well.

Isn't it strange how good things can sometimes be too much? Adam would have never thought it to be true until he'd finally gotten one good thing.

"Yeah. We can stay here sometimes." He says. Adam would do this for Ronan. Maybe eventually he would get comfortable enough here to not be so worried about going into the varying rooms and touching different things. Maybe eventually he wouldn't feel out of place if just because Ronan wanted him here.

He finishes what's left of his eggs. "Your room upstairs... it's kind of huge, by the way. Like... as big as the living room and the kitchen in the trailer I used to... you know."

it had only become more overwhelming when he'd made so many realizations about Niall, when it had become something forbidden by Niall himself. Having it here was both a comfort and a heartache. It makes him realize how homesick for everything back home he is: monmouth, Gansey, Noah, Aglionby, everything.

Good things are scary because they can be taken away from you, because they can be used against you.

He nods his gratitude, glad that Adam is allowing him to share this place with him. He wants him to be comfortable here. He is wanted here and Ronan hopes in time he'll feel that way. It's home to Ronan, but Adam has somehow become home as well.

He smirks as he finishes his own eggs then grabs up the plates and rinses them in the sink. "Yeah. Declan was always pissed because Dad gave me the biggest room. He thought it ought to be his 'cause he was the oldest." He looks back over his shoulder at Adam as he finishes washing up the dishes. "it can be your room too. Like...our room back at the apartment."

"Declan is always pissed just to be pissed." It didn't seem to Adam that Ronan's older brother had ever needed a reason to be an asshole. The difference between Declan and Ronan, at least in that regard, was that Declan pretended to be something he wasn't. He pretended to be cultured and whatever else. Ronan was honest about himself. He didn't try not to be pissed off when he was pissed off.

Adam respected that honesty.

He stands and moves closer to Ronan, about halfway between where he had been at the table and the sink. So when Ronan looks back he's standing there, his hand crossed over his chest. When Ronan said that it could be theirs, his heart leaped up into his throat. His first instinct was to say he didn't want to take up space with things that were Ronan's. But something told him that this was important, that it was a big deal for Ronan to offer it to him.

He nods, looking down at the kitchen floor. "Yeah, okay. Like... our space." He was going to have to work to think of it like that. But he would try.

Ronan smirks at that because it's true. Adam is also dead on about Declan and Ronan. Declan cared what people thought about him, cared about the image he projected. Ronan didn't want people to like him. He didn't care that the general opinion of him was 'Gansey's pit bull'. Anger is his armor.

Ronan turns once the dishes are done to look at Adam. There's not much space between them. He's watching Adam's reaction, trying to decide what the other boy is thinking. It is a big deal. He's inviting Adam further into his life, into a life that he didn't share with many people, into not only his future but his past.

His brow furrows as he watches Adam look down. He steps closer enough to put his hand underneath Adam's chin and tilt his face up to look at him. "Like our space. This whole damn place....I know it's mine, but I want you here too. Got it?"

Maybe it would sound like an order to anyone listening, like Ronan was commanding Adam to be here, but it's more of a plea. He's asking, pleading for him to be here with him.

Suddenly Ronan is in his space and not only is he surrounded by him, standing in this kitchen where Ronan was everywhere, but Ronan, when this close, seemed to slip past his skin into the very core of him. When Ronan was this close it was as if he demanded to swallow Adam whole, and Adam didn't so much mind the thought of that anymore.

He looked back up to the other with that urging at his chin. Ronan wanted him here. That was a good feeling all on its own. Adam found himself settling into the feeling as if it were a warm blanket. His entire self seemed to relax.

Reaching out, he hooked an index finger in one of the belt loops of Ronan's jeans. Order or not, plea or not, Adam nods. "Got it." He says. And on impulse, he follows it up by stealing a quick kiss from Ronan.

He wasn't entirely unaware of how he affected Adam when he was close. It was one of the reasons he consistently invaded his space, pushing closer. He liked affecting Adam this way. He liked the way he felt when he was this close to Adam, almost like he did when he was in Cabeswater: like anything was possible.

It was impossible to miss the way Adam relaxed at his words, and it made Ronan feel less awkward about having said them. Yeah, they were sappy words, but they were true and they'd had a positive impact on Adam. That was reason enough to have said them.

When Adam hooked a finger in Ronan's belt loops, he swayed a bit closer to Adam, his hip almost brushing against Adam's. When Adam kissed him, he dipped his head a bit more and deepened the kiss, not content to let the kiss be light or quick. He grabbed Adam's wrist with his other hand, fingers encircling it and tugging him closer until he was close enough to feel Adam's body brushing against his.

Adam almost smiled against Ronan's lips. Almost. The impression of a smile was there mixed in with the kiss in lieu of a real smile. Because he was learning over time that all he had to do was initiate a little of something and Ronan took it the full mile. Adam liked knowing that. It was a pattern that Adam had caught onto and felt comfortable with. He just needed to guide and Ronan would still lead.

After the threat of a smile was over, his lips parted into the kiss, an invitation.

Should he be doing this right now when Ronan was just showing him the Barns? Probably not. Should he be doing this at the Barns at all, a place where Ronan's past was now colliding with his present? Probably not. And yet Adam did it anyway, because he had felt like Ronan needed to be kissed just then and Adam had wanted to kiss him. Sometimes Adam Parrish was a selfish thing. He would put a stop to it in a minute so they could get back to what Ronan wanted and needed right now.

Ronan gets the general impression of happiness, of a smile. Ronan likes it when Adam initiates things; he's always known that Adam is more uncertain about their relationship and his feelings for Ronan than Ronan is about his feelings for Adam. Those little initiations give Ronan the permission he needs to take things into his own hands. He'd promised Adam when they'd first gotten into this relationship, he'd never push Adam further than he wanted to go; the ball would always be in his court. That's why he likes when Adam initiates things. He also likes it for more selfish reasons like enjoying the feeling of being wanted by Adam.

That invitation is all Ronan needs. His hand goes to the curve of Adam's neck as he nips hard at Adam's bottom lip, pushing him back toward the counter so he can press him against it, his lips still on Adam's, his tongue against his teeth, sweeping the inside of his mouth.

They both needed to feel wanted. They were both selfish in that way. He had no idea why Ronan wanted to feel that from him. But Adam knew that he needed it for a lot of reasons. It boosted his confidence because this was Ronan Lynch, the boy he put on a pedestal, the boy he wanted to be. Ronan was everything Adam wished he was. That someone like Ronan could want him... it made him feel good.

And then there was something much more simplistic than that. No one had ever wanted Adam Parrish. Not his parents. Not any of the kids at his school who thought he was always dirty and wore too many hand-me-downs. Adam had never felt wanted. He was a lone warrior. Until Gansey and Noah. Until Ronan. And now that Adam had felt what it was like to be wanted, he couldn't not feel it.

His back presses against the edge of the counter, the finger unhooking from Ronan's belt loop and that hand slides up under the other's shirt at his back, just above his waistband. The kiss ignites something in him, as they always do. But when the kiss breaks, he dips his head to rest his brow against Ronan's shoulder and catch his breath. He turns his head after a moment, breath warm against Ronan's neck just before he kisses at his skin there. His fingers curl against the skin at the small of his back.

"I forgot what we were talking about." He says.

Did the why really matter? Because even if Ronan genuinely tried to explain the why, he wouldn't be able to. He didn't know why anymore than he could explain why driving a car too fast made him happy. He wanted to be wanted by Adam. In part it's because Adam is a good person, because he's Ronan's opposite in so many ways, because Ronan knows that Adam will keep him from falling off that self destructive edge that he constantly walks. It's because Adam can save him and Ronan needs saving. It's probably also the fact that when Ronan Lynch decides he wants something, he gets it. He doesn't take no for an answer and he wants Adam. He's aware that people and things aren't the same thing and can't be 'gotten' and possessed the way that things can, but he wants Adam all the same. He refuses to take no for an answer just the same. He's been patient with Adam and careful, but still persistent in his desire. Would he have taken 'friend' in lieu of nothing at all? Yes. When he'd thought Adam was straight he'd settled for just being his friend, but now...now he's not sure he could go back to that if he had to. He's fairly sure losing Adam would prompt a bout of self-destruction that wouldn't end well for Ronan. There's that dark edge to Ronan's desire that lends a dark edge to their relationship that Ronan isn't even sure Adam knows is there.

Ronan growls low in his throat when Adam's hand goes to his back and he pushes Adam's shirt up as well, hands skirting over his ribs, sliding along the waistband of his pants, over his stomach and coming to rest at his hips. He tilts his head to the side to give Adam more access to his neck when his kisses it. A smirk plays across his lips at Adam's words.

"Pretty sure it wasn't important."

"Maybe not..." Adam exhales a breathy smirk, trying to play it cool when the truth is that he wants to throw himself at Ronan and tell him to kiss him like that again, make him feel that way again. Feeling good isn't something Adam is accustomed to. But sometimes Ronan makes him feel like if he allowed himself, he could so easily become addicted to it.

There's a part inside of him that can't allow that sort of addiction. Adam knows that things can so easily be taken away. Anytime he starts to feel himself falling too hard too fast, he reminds himself of that. His father's voice rings in his ears telling him how undeserving and worthless he is.

After some silence, he lifts his head from Ronan's shoulders and glances briefly up into Ronan's eyes. His fingers slips away from Ronan's back, only to lace with Ronan's. "You can show me around, all the spaces that are yours." He's been here before, of course. But he's never had the chance to look around. "Or we can do whatever you want."

He could have worse addictions than the way Ronan makes him feel. Kissing Adam makes Ronan feel right in a way that he hasn't since Niall died. He makes him feel like living instead of self-destructing. He makes him feel like a lot of things that he can't explain.

Yeah, things can be easily taken away. It's called life and you figure out a way to move on when those things get taken away, or a way to get them back. As for Adam's father's voice, Ronan would beat him a thousand times over if he could make Adam forget those words. As it is, he can only tell him he is deserving and he is worthy.

Ronan thinks that Adam is going to pull away and his fingers curl instinctively a little tighter against Adam. When he laces his fingers with Ronan's, Ronan squeezes his hand tightly. For a moment, Ronan just stares at Adam, watching him with that hunger in his eyes that the kiss awoke. Finally, he breaks the stare and lets his gaze slide down to their joined hands.

"Yeah. Come on. I'll show you where I used to hide when I was a kid," he tells him as he takes a step back, tugging Adam away from the counter.

The way Ronan looks at him right then, Adam feels it all the way into his bones. It's so intense that Adam has to look quickly away. He looks down to their joined hands, Adam's calloused one holding onto Ronan's softer hands, and Ronan holding his hand right back. Holding onto each other, neither one more so than the other, equal. That thought sends another thrill through him and he wants to kiss Ronan again so bad that he had to work not to.

Instead, his tongue slips out, gliding over his lips to wet them, to taste what was left of Ronan left over from the kiss before. He shouldn't like that taste so much as he does.

He nods when Ronan finally speaks. "Yeah, I'd like to see that."

Adam easily moves away from the counter with that gentle tug from Ronan. Right now he's of a mindset to follow Ronan any-damn-where Ronan pleased. His hunger isn't so external as Ronan's is, but it's there all the same, understated, beneath the surface, every bit as intense but... Adam.

Ronan likes the way Adam's hand feels in his. He even likes the way that Adam has to look away quickly from him. He's watched Adam enough to know that's not a bad thing. In fact, he's fairly certain it's exactly the opposite. For the record, Ronan wouldn't mind if Adam kissed him again.

He watches Adam with that unwavering intensity, watches the way his tongue slips out to taste his lips and he's the one that wants to kiss Adam so badly that it aches.

In fact, when Adam moves toward him, Ronan stops, leaning in to press a hard, hungry kiss against Adam's mouth. He breaks the kiss just as quickly, almost violently as starts toward the stairs.

Ronan stops him and Adam immediately feels the press of Ronan's lips against his again. Is it possible to be so ready for something that you're not ready at all? Sometimes everything about Ronan feels that way to him, as if it was always meant to be, as if it were something so natural almost like breathing. And them sometimes it feels like being doused with ice cold water, shocking and turbulent and who ever thought that something like this could happen to him?

His lips part beneath the onslaught. Adam starts to kiss him back just a second before Ronan pulls away again, leaving him breathless and off kilter as Ronan leads him to the stairs. Yes, it's possible to be ready and not ready at the same time. It's possible to want and not want. It's possible to be comfortable but on edge.

Adam silently follows Ronan, their hands still clasped together. His mind isn't on where they're going. It's stuck back in the kitchen just moments ago.

Sometimes Ronan feels the same way: like this thing with Adam is meant to be, but it still shocks him every time he wakes up with Adam there. However, this moment feels like driving the BMW too fast, just on that edge of losing self control, but still the one holding the steering wheel.

He likes kissing Adam this way, taking him so by surprise that he's breathless and frozen in the moment. Ronan would agree but for one small thing: wanting and not wanting. There is nothing in Ronan that doesn't want Adam right now.

Everything about Ronan except his body is still in that moment back in the kitchen, but he's trying not to push Adam too far, trying to make certain that Adam is comfortable in this thing between them. They go up the stairs and down the narrow hallway to Ronan's room. He tosses open the door carelessly and moves to the closet, glancing over his shoulder at Adam before he steps inside the closet, finally letting go of Adam's hand and moving some clothes aside. There's nothing that indicates that this space of wall is any different from any other space of wall, but when Ronan fumbles with one end of the clothes rod, a door in the wall opens up and Ronan bends at the waist, stepping into the space behind the door. It's a small room, but spacious enough for two people if they don't mind being close. Blankets and pillows are scattered about the floor. There are sketches on the wall and a stash of paper and pencils in one corner. This is clearly where Ronan came to draw as a kid.

Ronan's room. Adam had peeked in here a few times, even as recently as a few minutes ago after his shower. But he's never looked around. Not really. Even now, his gaze slides over the room, trying to quickly take stock of this monument to Ronan's past without being too intrusive about it or too obvious about it.

He's surprised when he's being pulled into a closet. But he easily follows, nonetheless. Whatever is happening here, Ronan has to let go of his hand to do it. Then the wall is opening up and Adam's curiosity is piqued. Brushing aside the clothes, he dips down into the space and looks around. Oh what he would have done for a space like this in the trailer where he grew up. A place to hide and disappear for awhile. He likes it.

"Did you dream this here or was it built in already?" He asks, leaning down to look over the drawings on the walls.

He'll have time to look over the room and Ronan will encourage him to open drawers and snoop in things. Ronan doesn't keep secrets, not really and certainly not from Adam. He may not come out and say anything, but it's not because he's keeping a secret. It's because Ronan has difficulty using his words.

Yeah, it's not what people usually show off in a room. It's one of the reasons that Ronan is showing it to him; he wants to share his hiding space, to give Adam a place to hide if that is what he wants even if there's not nearly as many things to hide from here as there were in the trailer.

Ronan shrugs a little Adam's question, biting his bottom lip as he contemplates the question. "Don't know for sure. I think I was...two when I found it? Declan had been an ass and Dad was gone on a trip. I think it's a dream thing though. The door doesn't have any seams."

"So no one can find it. No one knows it's here." Except for the two of them. Somehow, that made the fact that Ronan shared this secret space with him all the more personal. Adan felt... special. He felt special in a way he did not often feel that way. It was a warm feeling inside of him, different from the warmth he had felt in the kitchen.

Ronan has a way of doing little things to make Adam feel good, like he matters, without having to say a word. Christmas with the bracelet he still wears on his wrist every day. Hand cream. Mix tapes. And now this. Adam has no experience with doing things like this. He knows the token gestures like flowers and chocolates. But Ronan is not a flowers and chocolates kind of guy. He's working on the motorcycle for Ronan in secret. But that's going to take time.

Adam settles down on the pillows, imagining a younger Ronan hiding in this room and feeling safe and secure. He imagines Ronan doing it now.

"I like it." He finally says. Maybe he should say more. But those three words seemed all-encompassing enough.

Ronan nods. "Yeah. I think that was the idea. After Matthew, he and I would come in here and hide until Dad got home or until Declan quit being a dick," he says as he settles down on the pillows with Adam. "Which was never," he smirks.

Ronan is (surprisingly) the 'girly' one in this relationship. It's not that he sits around thinking of ways to make Adam feel good. It's more that he just does things because he wants to. He is definitely not a flowers and chocolates kind of guy, but he will love the motorcycle because Adam took time to build it rather than wish for it. It's enough for Ronan that Adam lets him do these things, that he indulges him when Ronan knows he's annoying the shit out of Adam (like every. single. day at the garage). It's enough that Adam cares about Chainsaw and gets along with her, that he doesn't say anything about the toasters that show up in the kitchen without any way to put toast in them or the coffee maker that won't actually brew coffee. Ronan is very fucking aware that he's a trial to live with and he likes it that way. Only the best people, the people worth his time put up with it.

Ronan smirks at Adam's declaration, relief softening some of his harder edges. This is one of those little vulnerable parts of Ronan that he's showing Adam and that's always a little stressful for him. What if Adam finds it ridiculous? Or doesn't understand it? But, he obviously does.

Adam smirks at the mention of Declan's less than stellar attitude. He looks up at Ronan and nods. He understands. He would have been in here all the damn time if he'd had a place like this. He might even start coming here to this spot more often when he needs to be alone. That's why Ronan showed it to him, right?

The space even seems to smell like Ronan, but why settle for that when he has the real thing here? He tugs on Ronan's hand, getting him to settle down on the pillows with him. Then he sort of wraps himself around Ronan like Ronan is sometimes wrapped around him when they wake up each day. He doesn't say anything. He just settles in here, giving Ronan no option but to let him do it unless he just flat out pushes him away and says no.

Who needs words, anyway? He feels safe and good right now. Adding anything to that might mess it up.

Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

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