itinere | Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

Entry tags:

Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

Ronan had moped for days after the bad luck curse had worn off. Moping looks a lot driving too fast and too much. He ends up exploring the roads around Itinere, up into the mountains and away from the beach and the town proper. It's the first time he's gone so far in the BMW. He usually settles for roaring down the main streets, but those really aren't 'moping' streets. He needs the stretches of open road and the illusion of freedom at least.

And what he finds out in the mountains takes his breath away. He races way too fast back to Adam's garage. He squeals into one of the open bays, not even bothering to cut the engine on the car. He throws open the door.

"Adam, get in the damn car." He sounds excited rather than angry, but it's not a request. It's a demand. He needs to show Adam what he found now.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

If the engine didn't give Ronan away, the way the tires screech to a halt as if Ronan hadn't even thought to hit the brakes until there was a wall a few feet in front of him did. Adam waits a second to see if the inevitable crash comes, then sighs out his relief when it doesn't happen... this time. One of these days, he's pretty sure Ronan won't hit the brakes soon enough and he'll have to rebuild a wall.

Or maybe this place would just magically fix something like that. He didn't know.

Adam slides out from under the car engine he's working on and clicks off the flashlight he'd been holding between his teeth. He looks up at Ronan, obviously in no hurry. He's covered in grease and sweat and dirt and he gives Ronan a moment to take note of that. "You sure about that?"

One day he probably will and it will be because he insists on pushing things just a little further. The BMW's brakes are good, but they can't defy the laws of physics. Ronan is practically vibrating with energy. When Adam asks if he's sure, he assumes he's asking because he's covered in dirt and grease. Ronan makes a noise of frustration, pops the trunk then goes back to the back of the car to rummage in the trunk. He comes up with a pair of jeans and a tee shirt.

"Put these on," he tells him, crosses the space between them to hold the clothes out. "Hurry. We have to go." He's a little afraid that the Barns will disappear. If Adam really wants to take a shower once they're there, the house has a shower.

Obviously something big has happened. The fact that Ronan is letting him change is no small miracle. But the fact that he can tell that Ronan needs him to hurry has Adam pushing up off the roller and taking the clothes.

"Watch the door." He says as he quickly starts to change out of his own dirty clothes and into Ronan's clean ones. It would be kind of awkward for someone to come in and catch him changing.

Ronan is grateful that Adam moves to action without any further explaination. He doesn't want to tell him the Barns are here. He wants him to see the Barns are here and come to that same conclusion.

"Got it," Ronan responds. However, the truth is he watches Adam change, eyes glancing over bare skin. Once Adam is dressed, he'll be in motion again, moving to the driver's side of the car to get back in.

In the back of his mind he can tell Ronan is watching him. Adam has become an expert and knowing when that's happening without making it obvious that he knows. Sometimes he imagines that he can even feel it. But he changes quickly, balls up his dirty clothes and tosses them into the trunk.

"Go ahead and back out." He tells Ronan as he shuts off lights. He waits for Ronan's BMW to rumble out of the garage and then lowers the door to lock it. He exits the side door and locks up. Then he jogs to the car and gets in the passenger seat, immediately pulling his seat belt on because he knows how Ronan drives.

"What'd you find? Is there trouble?" There was always trouble, wasn't there?

Ronan is almost always watching Adam. His eyes linger on him before glancing away. He's watching him with such an intensity that he's uncertain how his gaze couldn't be felt.

At Adam's cue, Ronan backs the BMW out, letting it idle until Adam is in the passenger seat then he spins the BMW in reverse then slams it into drive and guns it out onto the road. Adam was right to put his seatbelt on because Ronan is drive fast, far too fast down the road toward where he saw the Barns.

"No. There's no trouble. I was out here driving, you know? Not looking for anything." He was moping, Adam. Don't let him lie to you.

Even with the seat belt on, Adam reaches for the handle in the car door and his other hand rests on the center console, holding on for dear life. Ronan's need for speed and love of dangerous driving was notorious in Henrietta. And while Adam was accustomed to it, he also always took a bit to ease into it.

He was relieved that there was no pressing danger. For the most part, Itinere had been peaceful. Not that it didn't have its quirks.

Adam glanced sideways at Ronan. He had an idea of what drove him to go drive outside of the city. He wouldn't ask if he was okay though. If Ronan wanted to talk about something, he would. "Yeah. I know." He says.

It was a lot to get used to, the way Ronan drove. It's why, back home, Gansey rarely rode in the car with Ronan and why he never drove the camaro. Ronan couldn't resist going fast, not even when he knew he probably shouldn't and speeding tickets were pointless pieces of paper to Ronan. They were inconveniences, things to throw money at. Here, he hadn't seen any sign of police here and certainly no one to give him a speeding ticket.

Itinere was small enough that it didn't take long for them to be out of the town proper, not with the way Ronan drove. Soon they were twisting up a mountain road, back end of the BMW fishtailing around the curves, Ronan still driving like it was his job.

"Being a damn klutz seems to have worn off."

Otherwise, he wouldn't be driving, much less this way.

Gradually, Adam settled a bit and felt the speed and sway of the twists and turns on the mountain roads. It was almost relaxing except for the way the world sped past them at an alarming rate. But Ronan always seemed to come out of the BMW unscathed, so Adam trusted that as much as he could.

At the mention of Ronan's recent penchant for bad luck, Adam smirks. It was hilarious in hindsight, although he never would have laughed like this while it had been happening. Ronan had been too upset about it at the time. Now though...

"I like you better without the added klutz." He says.

The trick is not to notice the speeding world, or if you're Ronan, to completely notice the speeding world. He likes the rush of adrenaline it shoots through him. However, today that's not making a blip on his radar. He's far too focused on the destination they're rushing toward.

Ronan still doesn't think it's hilarious, but his sense of humor in regards to that streak of bad luck has improved.

He smirks at Adam's comment. "Piss off," he tells him. "Me too," he admits.

Adam looks away out the window to hide the almost smile on his lips. He twists his lips at the corners to work it back into submission. And after a moment, he pushed the button that rolled the window down. He settled back in the seat and put his hand outside the window to feel the air whip past as Ronan drove.

He was sitting in Ronan's car, wearing Ronan's clothes and he'd just made Ronan smirk. That 'piss off' had been just as good as Ronan saying he liked him too. And Adam got lost in the moment because it was a good one and he wanted it to last for longer than a moment. Realistically he knew the bottom would eventually fall out. It always did. But that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it now.

Ronan kept glancing at Adam sitting in the passenger seat. This place wasn't perfect. It lacked three very important people for it to be perfect. However, moments like this Ronan thought maybe he wouldn't be upset if they didn't find that door back to Cabeswater soon. He wouldn't say that because just saying the words seemed like sacrilege to him, but that didn't stop him from thinking it.

Ronan slowed the car and took the turn off down a crooked mountain road that opened up into a wide valley cloaked in fog. There surrounded by pipe fencing were the bars that his home had been named for. It came complete with the sleeping cows, the gravel driveway that Niall had been killed in and the farmhouse that always looked a little shabby and a bit sprawling as if it'd been added onto through the years without much regard to design.

He pulled the car into the drive way and cut the ignition, looking over at Adam, waiting for him to say something.

The wind whipped past his hand and arm, pushing it back with force as Ronan sped through the hills. Adam kept pushing his arm forward as if to say 'see, air? I am mighty'. The fog almost made the rolling hills feel like home. But it wasn't until certain structures started coming into view that Adam pulled his arm inside and sat up straighter in his seat to look out over the landscape.

He knew this place. He would never forget it.

His gaze landed on Ronan the closer they got and stayed there, watching him in profile as he pulled the car into the drive and killed the ignition. They sat there in silence for a good solid minute before Adam asked. "Did you dream this?"

Ronan kept track of Adam's reactions out of the corner of his eye. Those reactions were as important to him as his own reactions, maybe particularly in regards to this place. He couldn't trust his reactions to this to place. It had far too many emotional ties to him.

It was a long time before Ronan answered, at least that solid minute. He didn't get out of the car. He didn't make any move to get out of the car. "I don't know." There was a longing in those words, in Ronan's voice. This was the place he would want more than any place on earth. Cabsewater here, he'd found, felt much like Cabeswater back home. He figured it all had to do with the ley lines and them both being a magical forest on the ley lines (maybe the same magical forest for all he knew). The Barns...there was no other place that felt like The Barns, not to Ronan. It was home in a way that was in Ronan's skin, in his bones, in his blood.

"I think you're better qualified to answer that."

There was a longing in those words, in Ronan's voice. This was the place he would want more than any place on earth. Cabsewater here, he'd found, felt much like Cabeswater back home. He figured it all had to do with the ley lines and them both being a magical forest on the ley lines (maybe the same magical forest for all he knew). The Barns...there was no other place that felt like The Barns, not to Ronan.

Because something this big would pull on the ley lines. Adam would notice if he took this much power.

Adam knew exactly how much this place meant to Ronan. He had never had anyplace like this that was so important to him. The closest he could equate it to was the apartment adjoining St. Agnes. No matter how it had come into his possession, it was his. It was a safe place. But still, it paled in comparison to the Barns and what they meant to Ronan.

With their recent foray into the forests to repair ley lines, Adam's mind felt clear. He was as sharp as he had been in awhile. Ronan was free to dream whatever he wanted and it would take a lot for Adam to really feel it. But something this big? Adam would feel it.

He shook his head, letting Ronan know that he didn't feel anything. Itinere, in the same magical way that it gifted them with other things they needed and some things they didn't even know they needed, must have done this. And Adam, being Adam, had to wonder what they might want in return. They had yet to ask for anything.

"Have you looked around? Is everything here?" Because they would have had to pull every last detail from Ronan's memory to make it perfect.

That was one reason that Ronan was glad that Adam was here to share this. That was the reason that Ronan needed his opinion on the place. He needed to know if this felt as real to Adam as it felt to him.

That was what Ronan figured. Maybe if he'd dreamed it a little over time, but this hadn't happened over time. This had happened all at once. It might not deplete the ley lines here; it might not drive Adam to the edge of sanity, but he would feel it regardless.

That was hard for Ronan to accept simply because this was a lot to ask for, this was a lot to give and this meant that Itinere was prodding further into his brain than he liked.

"Yeah. Down to the barnful of frustration dreams and the mice in the feed bags." It was damn near scary. Ronan took a deep breath, held it then let it noisily.

"Come on. I'll show you," he said as he got out of the car slamming the door shut. He crouched on the gravel, fingertips ghosting over the rocks, sifting through them. "They even got his blood right."

For awhile, Adam just sat in the car watching Ronan more than looking at the Barns. He knew the emotional impact this would have on Ronan. He knew what the Barns, and everything in the Barns, meant to him. Adam felt ill equipped to help him. Like looking at an unfamiliar engine and not knowing which tools to use.

But he was the magician. He could figure it out. Couldn't he?

He got out of the passenger side, lingering by the closed door for a moment before shoving his hands into his pockets and moving closer to Ronan. All this detail; the rocks the grass, the barns, the house, Niall's blood...

Adam shook his head. "You didn't dream this. I would've felt it." Something this big? Hell yes, he would have felt it.

It was a huge emotional impact, but in many ways it was a good emotional impact. This was home to him; the barns were almost a part of his soul the way Chainsaw was. It had nearly driven him crazy when he hadn't been able to come here back in Henrietta. He needed this place like he needed air. It was simply a lot, overwhelming. All Adam really needed to do in order to help Ronan was to be there with him physically and emotionally. He needed him to love this place the same way he loved this place.

Ronan crouched there a moment with Adam standing next to him then pushed himself up straight. It was a relief in some ways to know that however it was possible this wasn't a dream thing. He could dream a thousand barns, a thousand worlds but at what point did he start living in nothing but a dream world? Even a dream world made real. He needed the barns to be something he didn't dream.

Ronan nodded at Adam's words, hesitating only a moment before he reached back to grab Adam's hand and hold onto it tightly as they walked toward the house.

If there is anything Adam is good at, it's at standing still and watching and waiting until the moment comes to act. He would stand here all damn day if that was what it took for Ronan to accept that he hadn't dreamed this and be ready to move on. It had to be a double edged sword, he thought. Good in some ways, confusing in others. Itinere continually surprised the both of them by giving them what they needed.

When Ronan stood, Adam was glad that he reached back for his hand. Because he'd been itching to reach out and touch the whole time he had been crouched there, to offer comfort, but feeling like it wasn't enough. So when Ronan reached back, Adam was so hyper aware of it that his hand met Ronan's halfway. And while Ronan held onto his hand, Adam was sure to hold onto Ronan's in return.

He wasn't sure what to say. So he stayed quiet and let Ronan take the lead. He couldn't help but look over to the Barn where Niall Lynch's office was, where Adam had first been kissed by Ronan right before they came here. While it had been so confusing at the time, in hindsight the memory had taken on a certain air of fondness with him.

Really, Adam's affirmation that he hadn't felt the pull of power that this would take to dream was all Ronan needs to convince him that however the Barns came to be here, it wasn't through Cabeswater, through the ley lines. This wasn't a dream.

Ronan wasn't easy to offer comfort to. He didn't invite it in just as he didn't invite most emotions that weren't anger in. He probably wouldn't have pushed Adam away, but Ronan didn't blame him for not approaching. It never occurred to him that Adam would offer comfort to him. He was incredibly grateful that Adam met his hand halfway, that Adam held on tightly to his hand.

Part of the reason that Ronan wanted Adam here was to share this with him, to give himself an anchor. He remembered that kiss. He remembered bringing Adam and the others here to bury the nightmare they'd killed in Monmouth. He stayed the course toward the house though, skirting around to go in through the kitchen rather than the front door simply because that was the door he was accustomed to using.

"You can shower here if you want. Upstairs. There should be clothes in the dresser. I'm going to make eggs."

Yes. That's how he's going to handle this. He's going to make eggs. He's going to brood a little more on the Barns being here. He's going to think about what it means and he's going to act like this is a normal day. He's going to spend some 'normal' time in the house and see how it feels.

On the house, everything looks the same. And just like the other times he had been here, Adam can hardly believe that Ronan grew up in this place. It's just... so nice. He remembers the mask on the wall upstairs that Ronan hadn't wanted hi to touch. Even now, he's careful about touching things here now. Everything here held a memory for Ronan. He didn't want to upset him.

So that's why he watches Ronan for a bit just to make sure when he offers a shower to him that he really means it. When Ronan turns into the kitchen and starts with the eggs, Adam starts upstairs to where he knows Ronan's bedroom and bathroom were.

"I won't be long." He calls behind him. Pretty soon, the tell tale sign of water running through the pipes can be heard as it can be in all houses like this.

It's nice in a different way than Gansey's house. It's eclectic, a little cluttered. Niall had been a hoarder and it showed in the way things gathered on the countertops and in the corners of the rooms. It was a home stuffed with things from Niall's travels all over the world, stuffed with dream objects. Ronan doesn't care if Adam touches things as long as he stays away from the mask on the wall, the mask he ought to burn at first opportunity. Eventually, he'll tell him that. He would like for Adam to make himself at home here because it is home for Ronan in a different way than Monmouth.

Ronan nods silently another confirmation that Adam can make himself at home here. "Towels are in the bathroom," he tosses over his shoulder as Adam leaves the room. He gets a few eggs out of the fridge, mixes them with half and half then pours them into the omelet pan that's warming on the stove. By the time Adam gets out of the shower, Ronan will have made beans, toast, sausage and eggs. No one wants to give Ronan coffee, Itinere included it seems, so there's orange juice. It's all sat on the worn table in the kitchen.

The Lynch home had character. It was perfectly imperfect. It was the kind of place that Adam thought, if he were to ever live in a big house, that he could call home without feeling out of his depth and out of place. Adam, of course, wasn't sure he would ever be in a place to own a house like this. But he could live here. He didn't feel entirely unwelcome by the inanimate object of the house alone as he had in Gansey's home.

Adam takes a quick shower, getting the oil and dirt off of him, even washing his messy hair, before turning off the water. He wraps himself in a towel and goes into Ronan's old room. He felt like he shouldn't be in there without Ronan the moment he walked into it. so he backed back out and just returned to the bathroom to put on Ronan's clothes that he had worn over here. That was good enough for him.

He padded back down the stairs, carrying his tennis shoes and his socks. In the kitchen, Ronan was still at the stove. Adam sat down at the table and leaned over to pull his socks and shoes on. "Thanks. I feel better already."

They'd probably end up spending half their time here, half at the flat in town depending on how the other felt. There were times he couldn't deal with this place, with the nostalgia of it, with remembering how he grew up here with Matthew, with Declan. There were times that it seemed too constricting, like he couldn't ever live up to this and then there were others that it calmed him, made him feel at peace and stable in a way that nothing else ever could. He needed The Barns as if they were food or air. They anchored him, particularly when Gansey wasn't here.

So next time he'd go in there with Ronan. They'd probably spend the night in there, unless Adam would rather take Matthew's old room, but that wouldn't be Ronan's choice.

He glanced over his shoulder when Adam walked in the kitchen. "Welcome," he said as he finished up the food and put it on plates then put two plates on the table. His eyes slipped over Adam, grinning a little. "You look better too."

The truth was he didn't care whether Adam was covered in oil and dirt. He was pretty sure Adam knew that.

Adam would be sure to leave how often they were here and how often they were in the city up to Ronan. This was Ronan's home. Adam just couldn't ever see himself being here without Ronan. And he'd only ever come here if Ronan wanted him here. Someday, he might be more comfortable moving around the place than he was now. But he would always be conscious of Ronan and how the other was dealing with all of this.

The compliment gets Adam to flush with heat, his skin turning a rose hue that had nothing to do with his warm shower from moments before. It caught him so by surprise that he started to smile and had to dip his head and pull his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it.

"Thanks." He says. Thanking Ronan for saying he looked better. Thanking Ronan for letting him use his shower. Thanking Ronan for the food. Sometimes he felt like there was an ever growing list of things he needed to thank Ronan for.

He picked up his fork. "So is it like everywhere else? You think really hard about it and it's here? Eggs in the fridge, cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer?" He had no idea if there was cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer, only that he continually wished for it back at their apartment and it was somehow always there. Was it the same here? Had Ronan willed eggs to cook into existence? Had he willed the Barns here?

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 1 of 3

Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject