itinere | Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

Really, Adam's affirmation that he hadn't felt the pull of power that this would take to dream was all Ronan needs to convince him that however the Barns came to be here, it wasn't through Cabeswater, through the ley lines. This wasn't a dream.

Ronan wasn't easy to offer comfort to. He didn't invite it in just as he didn't invite most emotions that weren't anger in. He probably wouldn't have pushed Adam away, but Ronan didn't blame him for not approaching. It never occurred to him that Adam would offer comfort to him. He was incredibly grateful that Adam met his hand halfway, that Adam held on tightly to his hand.

Part of the reason that Ronan wanted Adam here was to share this with him, to give himself an anchor. He remembered that kiss. He remembered bringing Adam and the others here to bury the nightmare they'd killed in Monmouth. He stayed the course toward the house though, skirting around to go in through the kitchen rather than the front door simply because that was the door he was accustomed to using.

"You can shower here if you want. Upstairs. There should be clothes in the dresser. I'm going to make eggs."

Yes. That's how he's going to handle this. He's going to make eggs. He's going to brood a little more on the Barns being here. He's going to think about what it means and he's going to act like this is a normal day. He's going to spend some 'normal' time in the house and see how it feels.

On the house, everything looks the same. And just like the other times he had been here, Adam can hardly believe that Ronan grew up in this place. It's just... so nice. He remembers the mask on the wall upstairs that Ronan hadn't wanted hi to touch. Even now, he's careful about touching things here now. Everything here held a memory for Ronan. He didn't want to upset him.

So that's why he watches Ronan for a bit just to make sure when he offers a shower to him that he really means it. When Ronan turns into the kitchen and starts with the eggs, Adam starts upstairs to where he knows Ronan's bedroom and bathroom were.

"I won't be long." He calls behind him. Pretty soon, the tell tale sign of water running through the pipes can be heard as it can be in all houses like this.

It's nice in a different way than Gansey's house. It's eclectic, a little cluttered. Niall had been a hoarder and it showed in the way things gathered on the countertops and in the corners of the rooms. It was a home stuffed with things from Niall's travels all over the world, stuffed with dream objects. Ronan doesn't care if Adam touches things as long as he stays away from the mask on the wall, the mask he ought to burn at first opportunity. Eventually, he'll tell him that. He would like for Adam to make himself at home here because it is home for Ronan in a different way than Monmouth.

Ronan nods silently another confirmation that Adam can make himself at home here. "Towels are in the bathroom," he tosses over his shoulder as Adam leaves the room. He gets a few eggs out of the fridge, mixes them with half and half then pours them into the omelet pan that's warming on the stove. By the time Adam gets out of the shower, Ronan will have made beans, toast, sausage and eggs. No one wants to give Ronan coffee, Itinere included it seems, so there's orange juice. It's all sat on the worn table in the kitchen.

The Lynch home had character. It was perfectly imperfect. It was the kind of place that Adam thought, if he were to ever live in a big house, that he could call home without feeling out of his depth and out of place. Adam, of course, wasn't sure he would ever be in a place to own a house like this. But he could live here. He didn't feel entirely unwelcome by the inanimate object of the house alone as he had in Gansey's home.

Adam takes a quick shower, getting the oil and dirt off of him, even washing his messy hair, before turning off the water. He wraps himself in a towel and goes into Ronan's old room. He felt like he shouldn't be in there without Ronan the moment he walked into it. so he backed back out and just returned to the bathroom to put on Ronan's clothes that he had worn over here. That was good enough for him.

He padded back down the stairs, carrying his tennis shoes and his socks. In the kitchen, Ronan was still at the stove. Adam sat down at the table and leaned over to pull his socks and shoes on. "Thanks. I feel better already."

They'd probably end up spending half their time here, half at the flat in town depending on how the other felt. There were times he couldn't deal with this place, with the nostalgia of it, with remembering how he grew up here with Matthew, with Declan. There were times that it seemed too constricting, like he couldn't ever live up to this and then there were others that it calmed him, made him feel at peace and stable in a way that nothing else ever could. He needed The Barns as if they were food or air. They anchored him, particularly when Gansey wasn't here.

So next time he'd go in there with Ronan. They'd probably spend the night in there, unless Adam would rather take Matthew's old room, but that wouldn't be Ronan's choice.

He glanced over his shoulder when Adam walked in the kitchen. "Welcome," he said as he finished up the food and put it on plates then put two plates on the table. His eyes slipped over Adam, grinning a little. "You look better too."

The truth was he didn't care whether Adam was covered in oil and dirt. He was pretty sure Adam knew that.

Adam would be sure to leave how often they were here and how often they were in the city up to Ronan. This was Ronan's home. Adam just couldn't ever see himself being here without Ronan. And he'd only ever come here if Ronan wanted him here. Someday, he might be more comfortable moving around the place than he was now. But he would always be conscious of Ronan and how the other was dealing with all of this.

The compliment gets Adam to flush with heat, his skin turning a rose hue that had nothing to do with his warm shower from moments before. It caught him so by surprise that he started to smile and had to dip his head and pull his bottom lip between his teeth to stop it.

"Thanks." He says. Thanking Ronan for saying he looked better. Thanking Ronan for letting him use his shower. Thanking Ronan for the food. Sometimes he felt like there was an ever growing list of things he needed to thank Ronan for.

He picked up his fork. "So is it like everywhere else? You think really hard about it and it's here? Eggs in the fridge, cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer?" He had no idea if there was cookies and cream ice cream in the freezer, only that he continually wished for it back at their apartment and it was somehow always there. Was it the same here? Had Ronan willed eggs to cook into existence? Had he willed the Barns here?

Part of the reason that Ronan won't ever want to move here completely is because the flat belongs to the both of them. It's theirs. This place will always be Ronan's home. It's a home that Adam is wanted in and that Ronan wants him to be comfortable in, but it's still Ronan's and he understands that. Everything about this place is so completely Lynch.

Ronan smirks at the way Adam blushes, at the way he ducks his head and almost smiles. He takes a seat on one side of the table and nudges the other seat out with his toes so Adam will have a place to sit. He grunts a little at the thanks.

He nods at Adam's question as he digs into his own food. It's a moment before he answers both because he's eating and because he's mulling it over. "Maybe? I mean...it makes as much sense as anything else in this place. Fuck load of power to bring it here without any drain on the place though."

Adam brings a fork full of eggs to his mouth without even thinking much about it. Food is food. Eggs were eggs. He only thinks about it after the fact once he realizes the eggs are actually pretty good. Seasoned, maybe with cheese in them. Nice and fluffy. Ronan Lynch had made him eggs. Just when he thought there was nothing else that could surprise him about Ronan.

It was a simple thing. But then, Adam was a simple sort of person. He was used to frozen foods put in oven or microwave. He was used to gas station candy and chips and things like that.

He takes another bite after a moment of consideration. "And it's magic. No technology I could ever imagine could bring something this big here. It has to be magic. Unexplainable but possible."

Ronan isn't a master chef, but he knows how to make a few things. Eggs and bacon are one of them. He also brews a mean cup of coffee. It came from watching Niall during those late nights and early, early mornings when he'd reappear from where ever he'd gone.

He was good with the simple things, like mix tapes and hand cream. It helped that Adam was good with those things as well.

Ronan ate his eggs as he listened to Adam. "Not like Cabeswater magic...different magic?"

"Different." It wasn't like Cabeswater, the power that ran through him and Ronan and connected the two of them together for forever. Hopefully, for forever. Yes, Adam could hope for that. And never tell anyone ever that he hoped for that.

He pokes the prongs of his fork into his eggs. "Is it weird to still think Cabeswater is more powerful?" Even with all of this, the barns and everything that just magically shows up in Itinere. Cabeswater still felt stronger. Maybe it was just because it was something that Adam really felt as it coursed through him sometimes. But Cabeswater felt more real.

Ronan nods. He doesn't know what this magic feels like, but he knows what Cabeswater magic feels like. He knows how it connects and how it pushes, how it pulls and bonds. He loves the way Cabeswater magic makes him feel, the way that it binds he and Adam together into something that's solid, something that's right. If he could hope for forever and never tell anyone that, so could Ronan, and he did. He isn't as eloquent about it even in his head. He knows he doesn't want it to end, whatever it is. He knows that he can't imagine his life without Cabeswater magic, without Adam.

He shakes his head at Adam's question. "It's more subtle....like...fuck. Like I'd know what subtle is...it's the BMW instead of the Pig."

Adam waits for Ronan to get there, to think through whatever it is he needs to think through to get to the comparison. And once he does get there, the analogy is damn near perfect. It's exactly right. And of course Ronan would know. He feels Cabeswater every bit as much as Adam does. And in some ways, to feel Cabeswater is to feel Adam.

Sometimes, how linked and intertwined the two of them are, overwhelms Adam.

After a few moments, and a few more bites of his eggs, he nods. "I get what you're saying." He pauses. "So is this a good thing? The Barns being here?"

Ronan likes that Adam gives him the space and time to think things through. Ronan tends to react then process so when he does it in reverse order, he needs time to process. Cabeswater, Adam and Ronan are all so tied up together that sometimes Ronan isn't sure where one ends and the other begins.

Usually it's comforting to Ronan, but sometimes it terrifies him. He knows how Cabeswater can be hurt, knows how that can hurt Adam in turn. He also knows that he can't always control himself when he dreams. He knows that he could, inadvertently, hurt both Adam and Cabeswater, maybe irreparably.

He doesn't hesitate, but nods. "Most of the time anyway." He glances around. "I can't live here all the time. It's why I don't back home. It's...overwhelming." All of the home-ness of it, the nostalgia, the Niall-ness of it, but it's also comforting and necessary, like a part of Ronan's soul, his blood and his bones, his lungs and his heart made into a place.

"You okay with staying here sometimes?" And there's more vulnerability in his words than he wants to admit to. He wants Adam to love the Barns, at least a little like he loves them.

Adam nods, understanding. This place was all of Ronan's past; the good and the bad and the fantastical and the heartbreaking. All of that rolled into one could of course be overwhelming. Adam could understand that in the same way that his own freedom from the trailer park was overwhelming as well.

Isn't it strange how good things can sometimes be too much? Adam would have never thought it to be true until he'd finally gotten one good thing.

"Yeah. We can stay here sometimes." He says. Adam would do this for Ronan. Maybe eventually he would get comfortable enough here to not be so worried about going into the varying rooms and touching different things. Maybe eventually he wouldn't feel out of place if just because Ronan wanted him here.

He finishes what's left of his eggs. "Your room upstairs... it's kind of huge, by the way. Like... as big as the living room and the kitchen in the trailer I used to... you know."

it had only become more overwhelming when he'd made so many realizations about Niall, when it had become something forbidden by Niall himself. Having it here was both a comfort and a heartache. It makes him realize how homesick for everything back home he is: monmouth, Gansey, Noah, Aglionby, everything.

Good things are scary because they can be taken away from you, because they can be used against you.

He nods his gratitude, glad that Adam is allowing him to share this place with him. He wants him to be comfortable here. He is wanted here and Ronan hopes in time he'll feel that way. It's home to Ronan, but Adam has somehow become home as well.

He smirks as he finishes his own eggs then grabs up the plates and rinses them in the sink. "Yeah. Declan was always pissed because Dad gave me the biggest room. He thought it ought to be his 'cause he was the oldest." He looks back over his shoulder at Adam as he finishes washing up the dishes. "it can be your room too. Like...our room back at the apartment."

"Declan is always pissed just to be pissed." It didn't seem to Adam that Ronan's older brother had ever needed a reason to be an asshole. The difference between Declan and Ronan, at least in that regard, was that Declan pretended to be something he wasn't. He pretended to be cultured and whatever else. Ronan was honest about himself. He didn't try not to be pissed off when he was pissed off.

Adam respected that honesty.

He stands and moves closer to Ronan, about halfway between where he had been at the table and the sink. So when Ronan looks back he's standing there, his hand crossed over his chest. When Ronan said that it could be theirs, his heart leaped up into his throat. His first instinct was to say he didn't want to take up space with things that were Ronan's. But something told him that this was important, that it was a big deal for Ronan to offer it to him.

He nods, looking down at the kitchen floor. "Yeah, okay. Like... our space." He was going to have to work to think of it like that. But he would try.

Ronan smirks at that because it's true. Adam is also dead on about Declan and Ronan. Declan cared what people thought about him, cared about the image he projected. Ronan didn't want people to like him. He didn't care that the general opinion of him was 'Gansey's pit bull'. Anger is his armor.

Ronan turns once the dishes are done to look at Adam. There's not much space between them. He's watching Adam's reaction, trying to decide what the other boy is thinking. It is a big deal. He's inviting Adam further into his life, into a life that he didn't share with many people, into not only his future but his past.

His brow furrows as he watches Adam look down. He steps closer enough to put his hand underneath Adam's chin and tilt his face up to look at him. "Like our space. This whole damn place....I know it's mine, but I want you here too. Got it?"

Maybe it would sound like an order to anyone listening, like Ronan was commanding Adam to be here, but it's more of a plea. He's asking, pleading for him to be here with him.

Suddenly Ronan is in his space and not only is he surrounded by him, standing in this kitchen where Ronan was everywhere, but Ronan, when this close, seemed to slip past his skin into the very core of him. When Ronan was this close it was as if he demanded to swallow Adam whole, and Adam didn't so much mind the thought of that anymore.

He looked back up to the other with that urging at his chin. Ronan wanted him here. That was a good feeling all on its own. Adam found himself settling into the feeling as if it were a warm blanket. His entire self seemed to relax.

Reaching out, he hooked an index finger in one of the belt loops of Ronan's jeans. Order or not, plea or not, Adam nods. "Got it." He says. And on impulse, he follows it up by stealing a quick kiss from Ronan.

He wasn't entirely unaware of how he affected Adam when he was close. It was one of the reasons he consistently invaded his space, pushing closer. He liked affecting Adam this way. He liked the way he felt when he was this close to Adam, almost like he did when he was in Cabeswater: like anything was possible.

It was impossible to miss the way Adam relaxed at his words, and it made Ronan feel less awkward about having said them. Yeah, they were sappy words, but they were true and they'd had a positive impact on Adam. That was reason enough to have said them.

When Adam hooked a finger in Ronan's belt loops, he swayed a bit closer to Adam, his hip almost brushing against Adam's. When Adam kissed him, he dipped his head a bit more and deepened the kiss, not content to let the kiss be light or quick. He grabbed Adam's wrist with his other hand, fingers encircling it and tugging him closer until he was close enough to feel Adam's body brushing against his.

Adam almost smiled against Ronan's lips. Almost. The impression of a smile was there mixed in with the kiss in lieu of a real smile. Because he was learning over time that all he had to do was initiate a little of something and Ronan took it the full mile. Adam liked knowing that. It was a pattern that Adam had caught onto and felt comfortable with. He just needed to guide and Ronan would still lead.

After the threat of a smile was over, his lips parted into the kiss, an invitation.

Should he be doing this right now when Ronan was just showing him the Barns? Probably not. Should he be doing this at the Barns at all, a place where Ronan's past was now colliding with his present? Probably not. And yet Adam did it anyway, because he had felt like Ronan needed to be kissed just then and Adam had wanted to kiss him. Sometimes Adam Parrish was a selfish thing. He would put a stop to it in a minute so they could get back to what Ronan wanted and needed right now.

Ronan gets the general impression of happiness, of a smile. Ronan likes it when Adam initiates things; he's always known that Adam is more uncertain about their relationship and his feelings for Ronan than Ronan is about his feelings for Adam. Those little initiations give Ronan the permission he needs to take things into his own hands. He'd promised Adam when they'd first gotten into this relationship, he'd never push Adam further than he wanted to go; the ball would always be in his court. That's why he likes when Adam initiates things. He also likes it for more selfish reasons like enjoying the feeling of being wanted by Adam.

That invitation is all Ronan needs. His hand goes to the curve of Adam's neck as he nips hard at Adam's bottom lip, pushing him back toward the counter so he can press him against it, his lips still on Adam's, his tongue against his teeth, sweeping the inside of his mouth.

They both needed to feel wanted. They were both selfish in that way. He had no idea why Ronan wanted to feel that from him. But Adam knew that he needed it for a lot of reasons. It boosted his confidence because this was Ronan Lynch, the boy he put on a pedestal, the boy he wanted to be. Ronan was everything Adam wished he was. That someone like Ronan could want him... it made him feel good.

And then there was something much more simplistic than that. No one had ever wanted Adam Parrish. Not his parents. Not any of the kids at his school who thought he was always dirty and wore too many hand-me-downs. Adam had never felt wanted. He was a lone warrior. Until Gansey and Noah. Until Ronan. And now that Adam had felt what it was like to be wanted, he couldn't not feel it.

His back presses against the edge of the counter, the finger unhooking from Ronan's belt loop and that hand slides up under the other's shirt at his back, just above his waistband. The kiss ignites something in him, as they always do. But when the kiss breaks, he dips his head to rest his brow against Ronan's shoulder and catch his breath. He turns his head after a moment, breath warm against Ronan's neck just before he kisses at his skin there. His fingers curl against the skin at the small of his back.

"I forgot what we were talking about." He says.

Did the why really matter? Because even if Ronan genuinely tried to explain the why, he wouldn't be able to. He didn't know why anymore than he could explain why driving a car too fast made him happy. He wanted to be wanted by Adam. In part it's because Adam is a good person, because he's Ronan's opposite in so many ways, because Ronan knows that Adam will keep him from falling off that self destructive edge that he constantly walks. It's because Adam can save him and Ronan needs saving. It's probably also the fact that when Ronan Lynch decides he wants something, he gets it. He doesn't take no for an answer and he wants Adam. He's aware that people and things aren't the same thing and can't be 'gotten' and possessed the way that things can, but he wants Adam all the same. He refuses to take no for an answer just the same. He's been patient with Adam and careful, but still persistent in his desire. Would he have taken 'friend' in lieu of nothing at all? Yes. When he'd thought Adam was straight he'd settled for just being his friend, but now...now he's not sure he could go back to that if he had to. He's fairly sure losing Adam would prompt a bout of self-destruction that wouldn't end well for Ronan. There's that dark edge to Ronan's desire that lends a dark edge to their relationship that Ronan isn't even sure Adam knows is there.

Ronan growls low in his throat when Adam's hand goes to his back and he pushes Adam's shirt up as well, hands skirting over his ribs, sliding along the waistband of his pants, over his stomach and coming to rest at his hips. He tilts his head to the side to give Adam more access to his neck when his kisses it. A smirk plays across his lips at Adam's words.

"Pretty sure it wasn't important."

"Maybe not..." Adam exhales a breathy smirk, trying to play it cool when the truth is that he wants to throw himself at Ronan and tell him to kiss him like that again, make him feel that way again. Feeling good isn't something Adam is accustomed to. But sometimes Ronan makes him feel like if he allowed himself, he could so easily become addicted to it.

There's a part inside of him that can't allow that sort of addiction. Adam knows that things can so easily be taken away. Anytime he starts to feel himself falling too hard too fast, he reminds himself of that. His father's voice rings in his ears telling him how undeserving and worthless he is.

After some silence, he lifts his head from Ronan's shoulders and glances briefly up into Ronan's eyes. His fingers slips away from Ronan's back, only to lace with Ronan's. "You can show me around, all the spaces that are yours." He's been here before, of course. But he's never had the chance to look around. "Or we can do whatever you want."

He could have worse addictions than the way Ronan makes him feel. Kissing Adam makes Ronan feel right in a way that he hasn't since Niall died. He makes him feel like living instead of self-destructing. He makes him feel like a lot of things that he can't explain.

Yeah, things can be easily taken away. It's called life and you figure out a way to move on when those things get taken away, or a way to get them back. As for Adam's father's voice, Ronan would beat him a thousand times over if he could make Adam forget those words. As it is, he can only tell him he is deserving and he is worthy.

Ronan thinks that Adam is going to pull away and his fingers curl instinctively a little tighter against Adam. When he laces his fingers with Ronan's, Ronan squeezes his hand tightly. For a moment, Ronan just stares at Adam, watching him with that hunger in his eyes that the kiss awoke. Finally, he breaks the stare and lets his gaze slide down to their joined hands.

"Yeah. Come on. I'll show you where I used to hide when I was a kid," he tells him as he takes a step back, tugging Adam away from the counter.

Closed to Adam | Only then I am human

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