itinere | Closed to Adam Parrish | Christmas traditions

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Closed to Adam Parrish | Christmas traditions

Ronan had very specific ideas of what Christmas should be like. His home and family life hadn't ever been like one of those old black and white movies (it'd been far too weird for that), but they'd had certain traditions; traditions that fell by the wayside when Niall died. If Matthew could get both Ronan and Declan into church for midnight mass, he counted himself lucky. Ronan had thought of that several hours earlier when he'd gone to midnight mass alone. It wasn't Adam's thing, and Ronan got that. Eventually, he'd ask Adam to go to church with him, but they weren't there yet and he wasn't sure how well he'd handle mass without Matthew (and Declan) but he knew he wasn't ready to invite someone new into this particular sacred ritual. He needed to be able to mourn Declan and Matthew in a way, to accept their absence from church, at least for the time being. He'd been here in Itinere a month and a half and hadn't stepped inside the Catholic church (though he wasn't surprised they had one; this place seemed to have everything they needed materially).

After coming home from mass, he'd spoken to Adam, mostly to let him know that he wasn't going to self destruct tonight then broken open the bottle of Irish whiskey he'd dreamed a few weeks ago. He'd spent the rest of the evening in the living room sprawled on the couch remembering every detail of a particular Christmas, the best Christmas he could recall. Matthew had been four; he'd been seven and Declan nine. Niall had swept in Christmas Eve like the piece of magic that he was with a small gift for them all and promises of a visit from Father Christmas. He'd been loving, attentive and in high spirits, plying their mother with kisses and emerald jewelry. He'd carried Ronan and Matthew on his shoulders to bed, read them bedtime stories and tucked them in with promises of Christmas morn'. He and Matthew had tried to catch Santa at work but despite all of their sneaking, they'd only found Niall asleep on the couch, a bottle of Irish whiskey at hand.

It wasn't simply nostalgia that drove Ronan to mirror Niall's actions so completely that Christmas. It was driven by the knowledge that Adam had never had a Christmas like that (never mind that no one outside of the Lynchs had ever had a christmas quite like that). It was the desire to let Adam experience not only a real Christmas, but a Lynch Christmas. It was Ronan opening a door to his life, to himself, that most people would never walk through. Piggybacked on that was the nostalgia for a life that had been so much simpler, a homesickness for home.

In any case, when Adam awoke Christmas morning (regardless of where he'd chosen to fall asleep given that Ronan had fallen asleep ~~passed out~~ on the couch downstairs) he would wake to a scene much like this where there had been no Christmas tree or presents. All of the presents have Adam's name on them. Among those presents were such things as sweaters, fingerless gloves for working, a space heater that ran on dream energy and glowed bright blue instead of orange, remote helicopters, a acoustic guitar and a tin of shortbread cookies (the cookies inexplicably warm). Chugging around the entire living area and all the presents is a model train. Chainsaw is busily picking at a pile of ribbons that might've once belonged to a present or perhaps they were simply dreamed to keep Chainsaw busy as she doesn't seem to be able to untangle them regardless of how long she works on them. In the kitchen he would find Ronan practically giddy (for Ronan) pouring a mug of hot chocolate from a carafe full of hot chocolate (and let's be honest, it's probably endless). There was also spread on the counter top (all piping hot) a full Irish breakfast. If he's got a hangover (he does), he's not showing it. He was mildly worried about Adam having dream hangover, but the ley lines are healthy right now, unbroken and strong. Besides, Ronan thought this was worth it. Without, comment he pushed a bottle of aspirin at Adam along with a small glass of juice.

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What didn't seem like a big deal to Ronan lynch was a huge deal to Adam Parrish. That room had saved Adam even more than choosing Ronan over his dad that night had saved him. It had taken Adam a longer time to realize the gift of choosing Ronan over his father than it had been for him to realize the gift of the room at St. Agnes. Some gifts were more obvious than others. Some were easier to accept.

Right now Adam had no idea what to do with all these presents. So he tore himself away from them to go over to the food. He starts loading up a plate. "You were busy last night. You never came to bed.'

Ronan had just wanted to give Adam a safe place to stay. He'd known that Adam didn't want to live with Gansey (even if he didn't exactly understand it) so he'd given Adam a place to stay that was his own. He hadn't framed it as a gift simply because he'd known Adam wouldn't accept it.

"Never gone to mass by myself." It's a quiet answer, said between giant mouthfuls of food. The real answer is in between what he said; there's volumes there unsaid. "How's your head?" Because of the busy night.

There was most definitely volumes left unsaid there after the comment about mass. But the comment in and of itself caused Adam to pause and look to Ronan. He might have offered to go to mass with Ronan, but in Adam's mind the event was something so personal to Ronan that he would feel like he was infringing. And should someone who wasn't sure he believed in God even be at mass? Would it be a mockery to what Ronan believed? On top of that Adam often felt like if there was a God, Adam must have done something wrong to be so overlooked by Him.

Adam turns back to the food and then answers Ronan. "Just a little headache." It was a big headache. But Adam wouldn't say that and ruin what Ronan had done for him. No one had ever done anything like this for him. Ronan was accumulating an ever-growing list of things he surprised Adam with.

With a full plate of food, Adam moves to sit on the couch next to Ronan. He sets the plate on his lap and looks over at his ~~boy~~friend. "No one's ever surprised me as much as you. No one."

Adam wasn't wrong about mass being personal to Ronan. He was also aware that Adam didn't really believe in God. It never occurred to him that Adam would offer to go to mass with him, honestly. That was a Lynch thing and in time, Ronan would probably invite Adam (He'd invited Gansey a few times), but Christmas Eve mass wasn't the time to invite him, the first time he'd been to the church by himself wasn't the time to invite him. It wasn't that Ronan would think it was a mockery to what he believed. Hell, Ronan wasn't sure Gansey even believed in God. It was just something he'd needed to do himself.

Ronan nodded at the assurance that it was just a little headache. He wasn't entirely sure he believed him, but in the end it didn't matter. They were both satisfied with Adam's answer. That was fortunate in that Ronan rarely tried to surprise anyone, at least in a good way.

Ronan smirked at that. "Fucking hope not."

Adam dug into the breakfast. If Ronan had caused his headache by dreaming all of this up, he was at least going to enjoy it. And it was good, delicious, probably more food that either of them could ever eat in one sitting, but delicious nonetheless. Adam wouldn't eat everything on his plate either. Some habits were hard to break and Adam had just never had enough food. His stomach, after years of going without, years of having just barely enough, had never adjusted to having enough or more than enough.

At one moment when there was no food in his mouth, Adam nods in the direction of the tree. "Are there presents for you under there?" He asks.

He should definitely enjoy it. Ronan would be so disappointed if he didn't. They could put the excess food in the fridge. There's a chance it would stay warm regardless of the fridge. After all, dream food didn't obey the rules of normal food. As for Adam's appetite, Ronan would just keep making sure there was plenty of food in the house, keep nudging it toward Adam. he might not be much of a cook, but he was great at ordering in.

"Don't know," Ronan answers honestly. "Maybe." He hadn't purposely dreamed any presents for himself, but his dreams didn't always follow his direction either.

Opening presents would be a new and strange experience for him. But it would be made awkward if he were the only one doing it. He knew that sometimes Ronan couldn't control what he dreamed to a T. So it made sense that Ronan wouldn't know exactly what was under the tree. It was still kind of magical to Adam, even if he did feel a little bad that he hadn't gotten Ronan anything.

Adam took another bite of food and looked sideways to his boyfriend as he chewed and swallowed it down. "I kept waking up last night." It was his way of saying that he hadn't slept well without Ronan there, that he had become accustomed to Ronan being there, that he had missed him.

Ronan figured, which is why there are so damn many of them. Considering he based this Christmas off that one perfect Christmas, there's a good chance that there's a remote controlled car wrapped up with his name on it or a pirate ship that floats with moving pirates on it. Adam didn't have to get Ronan anything. That wasn't the point.

"Couldn't really surprise you with this shit if I were in bed," the with you is implied but unsaid. "'Sides, I don't think it'd fit in our room." The bedroom they shared was tiny with a higher ceiling than the little room above the church that Adam had lived in, but not much bigger.

"So you did all of this on purpose." It's said as a statement but meant as a question. Sometimes Ronan dreamed things unintentionally. All of this seemed to be done with full intent and purpose. There was a difference between the two. And Adam wanted to know. It was just hard to believe that Ronan had dreamed all of this specifically, including presents under the tree with the name 'Adam' on the tag. It was so sweet, like hand cream kind of sweet, although Adam would never say as much aloud though. He would show his thanks in other ways, like he had with the cream, by simply using it.

The look Ronan gives him is full of 'duh'. "It's Christmas." Of course he'd dreamed it all on purpose. He'd better start believing it. Maybe opening a few things would prove it to him. If Adam ever said it outloud, Ronan would scowl and be embarrassed. He preferred it when Adam simply used the things that he dreamed him.

"Come on. Open something."

At that urging, Adam hesitated. He looked over to the tree with a bit of trepidation. Not that the tree with all it's decoration and gifts was something ominous and scary. This was just something he had never done before, like the roller coaster and the ferris wheel, like snow sledding and wanting to kiss Ronan Lynch. Adam had always been this way, analyzing anything and everything very near to death before jumping in.

Finally, he set his barely touched plate aside and moved back to the tree. He knelt next to it, hands on his thighs as he studied what of the gifts he could see. "Just... whichever one? Does it matter?"

Ronan watched Adam, setting his mostly empty plate aside as well and grabbing the cup of coffee on the side table. He wrapped both hands around it and took a sip, leaning forward a little. "Nope. I don't even know what the fuck's in 'em." He has some sort of idea on some of them, but not all of them by any means.

After a moment, he puts his coffee away and slides down to the floor ot sit next to Adam. "You gotta pick it right though. Pick one up and shake it, test it's weight and it's shape. That helps you decide which one."

For a moment, after Ronan has moved down to sit next to him and explained how to pick which present to open to him, Adam looks at him like he's crazy. It's just a moment where he's not sure whether Ronan is poking fun at him or whether he's telling him in all sincerity that he should actually do that. Really it could go either way.

But finally, Adam picks up a present and holds it in his hands, shaking it a bit so as not to jostle anything too much. He looks questioningly to Ronan to see if that was enough.

He's definitely not poking fun at him. Not about this. He wouldn't ruin Adam's first big Christmas that way. He might crack jokes at him and call him (affectionate) names, but he won't ruin this that way.

Ronan shrugs. He glances out over the pile of presents and fishes one out that has his name on it. He shakes it a good deal, runs his hands over the box, brow furrowed then shakes a bit more. "Now you unwrap it," he tells him.

Ronan is obviously much better at this picking a present. He does it with such showiness that Adam has to be amused at the sight of it. He dips his head, hiding a smile before it can actually turn into a smile. Adam Parrish rarely smiled. And on the rare occasion that he did smile he had a very good reason to do so.

"Okay." He says without looking up. This is where Adam turns the package this way and that, finding the edges of the ribbon to work that off without snapping it. Once that's done, he finds the side and starts carefully working at the tape. It's a slow process. But he's obviously trying to preserve the wrapping paper.

Ronan has had experience with picking a present. It was a way to make Christmas last a little longer when he was young, that perfect day when Niall was home and they were all a happy family. He catches Adam in that almost smile, feeling reasonably proud of himself for evoking that reaction from him.

Chainsaw certainly appreciates all of that slow work. She nabs the ribbon from him and takes off with it, fluttering to the back of a chair to play with it. Luckily she's occupied because she'll shred the paper if she gets her hands on it.

"You do realize we've got like twenty of these to work through," he jokes.

"Hey." Adam calls out as Chainsaw snatches the ribbon he had so carefully removed. He watches her ascent and his lips twist sardonically for a moment as he watches her play with it. Then it's back to the present and carefully working the tape from the paper to preserve the wrapping paper.

When Ronan teases him, Adam looks between him and the wrapping paper again. "You don't wanna - ?" He shakes his head. Of course Ronan didn't care about reusing the paper. Ronan wanted him to destroy it, rip into it and get to the present.

It took Adam a few moments to tell himself that that was okay to do. The first tiny rip got another tiny smile from him. Then Adam started ripping the rest of the paper away to get to the box inside.

Chainsaw isn't remotely phased by Adam's exclamation. She clearly doesn't care and even moreso, she's pretty sure he so carefully removed that ribbon for her to play with.

Ronan shakes his head, smirking a little at the unfinished question.

When he finally starts ripping the paper, Ronan cheers him on. "Now we burn it!" he yells. "Throw it in the fire."

The paper, not the box or the present.

"Really?" And here's that wonder again, over whether Ronan is messing with him or not. But the more he thought about it, this was definitely the way Ronan would do Christmas. Norman Rockwell was too tame and wholesome for Ronan. The thought made him almost smile. Christmas would and should be chaotic and messy and wild with Ronan.

Adam presses his lips together to stop any smile from actually forming. Then he wads up the paper and throws it into the fire place. "I think you just like fire." He says.

Ronan just smirks, waiting and letting Adam reach his own conclusion that 'yes, really'. Everything with Ronan was a choatic mess. Neat and tidy started to disintegrate of their own accord around Ronan.

"Well fuck yeah. Who doesn't like fire?" Ronan asks. "Open the box," he urges him. Inside is a fisherman's sweater with a tag inside that says it's from Ireland. It's a replica of something Niall had in his closet, one that his mother had always commented on.

And Adam could be the exact opposite of that. He was a mess in his own right, make no mistake. But he preferred the outside, at least, to be neat and tidy. As much as they could be for a kid who had never had the money to buy nice things.

But speaking of nice things, when Adam opens the box and finds the sweater, probably the nicest item of clothing that had ever been theoretically his, he just stares at it. He holds it up and looks at it like it's something he doesn't know what to do with. Is it his? Really? Had Ronan really intended to gift this to him? Could he accept something so nice?

Maybe that's part of what Ronan likes about Adam: he's so opposite Ronan in outward appearance, but inside they're both messes. Ronan had the money to look put together, to look like Gansey, but he'd never had the inclination. He'd leave that to Gansey. There were few things that Ronan cared enough about to dress up; Adam's trial had been one of them.

Normally, Ronan would recommend Adam toss the sweater aside and open the next gift, but it's obvious that Adam is having problems with the gift. Instead, he leaves Adam to look over and think on the gift. "Try it on," he orders while he starts tearingt he wrapping paper off one of his gifts. Inside his box is a remote control helicopter he can fly around their loft.

He might have told Ronan to quit being so bossy. He might have told Ronan to shut up. He might have told Ronan a lot of things. But it was Christmas and Ronan had put this all together for them. He was so near the line between pride and ungrateful and he didn't want to cross that line. He wanted Ronan to know that he did appreciate all of this even if it was hard for him.

So finally, he pulls the sweater on, his hair, always messy, does that static thing where it stands on end as he looks questioningly to Ronan. "It fits."

And Ronan might have ignored him on all counts, but Adam certainly could have said it. Honestly, it hadn't occurred to Ronan that this might be hard for Adam. He'd only wanted him to have a Christmas that was happy, one that was full of all the things Christmas should be full of both emotionally and materially. It never occurred to him that Adam might not appreciate this.

A crooked smirk snakes over Ronan's face. "Course it does." Because Ronan studied Adam; he watched him, he knew his size and his style and what he liked.

"Thank you." Adam said, looking down to the sweater and smoothing his hands down over it, then adjusting the collar. The sweater even smelled new. He'd never had new things before, much less something so nice. And he'd never had to be so gracious before either because he usually didn't accept things from people. "I like it." He says, looking back up to Ronan.

After a moment, he reached for another present with his name on it. He nods at the remote control helicopter in Ronan's hands. "You know Chainsaw is gonna attack that, right?"

Ronan looks at Adam for a moment, that look gone slightly intense before nodding. "Yeah. No problem." He bites his bottom lip, still watching Adam. Finally, he looks to the helicopter, smirking. "Yup. She'll destroy it in like half an hour." He sounds excited about this too.

Adam laughs then, only it doesn't sound like a laugh and it doesn't show on his lips. It's there in his eyes and it comes out as just a few heavy exhales of breath. Of course Ronan didn't expect the helicopter to last. He wanted to destroy it. That was Ronan. And Adam expected no different, he supposed.

He looks back down into his lap and starts unwrapping another gift. "Am I your boyfriend?" He asks, the question falling out of his mouth before he can stop it. He looks up immediately to judge Ronan's reaction to the term.

Ronan sees the laugh and recognizes it for what it is, but only because he's spent an unhealthy amount of time watching Adam. The problem is that if Adam expected anything different, he isn't likely to get it. Ronan could modify his behavior, but he couldn't change it. He couldn't change that he was more comfortable destroying things (and creating them) than he was doing anything else. He couldn't change that he liked to race cars and to fight; that he enjoyed doing things that gave him an adrenaline rush, but then Adam didn't expect him to change those things.

There's a moment of stunned silence simply because Adam asked, because Ronan hadn't thought of it in those terms before. After that heartbeat of silence, Ronan rolls his eyes at Adam. "The fuck else you think we're doing here?" There's a grin teasing at the corner of his lips. "Assuming you want to be." There's another heartbeat of silence before Ronan rushes to fill it. "I've never had one before." Maybe that explains those pockets of silence. it's got nothing to do with hesitation and more to do with worrying that he's answering Adam the 'right' way, that he's not giving him the wrong impression. If he's honest with himself, Adam has been his boyfriend in his mind for a while.

That moment of stunned silence from Ronan seems like so much more than a moment to him. It feels as if it stretches out for an eternity as Adam waits. He spends part of that eternity watching Ronan. Then when he realizes that he's watching Ronan, and that Ronan is watching him watch him, he looks quickly away. Adam has never been able to withstand Ronan's staring at him for long. Part of that is that he naturally cows under pressure. Part of it is that Ronan is always so intense, anyone would eventually buckle.

When he finally answers, Adam looks back up to catch that grin on Ronan's lips. The words sound like they're coming at him through a tunnel until Ronan says he's never had a boyfriend before. There's something thrilling in the idea that he would be Ronan Lynch's first boyfriend. There's something terrifying in hoping that he would be Ronan Lynch's last and only boyfriend. Adam Parrish isn't accustomed to hoping for anything.

He pulls his lip through his teeth while also pressing them together thoughtfully. And he nods. "Me either. I mean... either... not a boyfriend or a girlfriend." He trips over his words. He seems to think about that for another moment before nodding in agreement and looking back down to his present. "Cool." Merry Christmas, Ronan. You just got Adam to agree to be your boyfriend in a roundabout way.

Honestly, it's not Ronan's intention to stretch that moment out that way. It's a loaded question though, and Ronan had wanted to make sure he answered it the right way. He doesn't worry when Adam's gaze glances away from him. He's accustomed Adam's eyes moving away from him and he knows it's not because Adam doesn't want to look; it's because Adam can't look, not for long. Maybe he doesn't allow himself to do so or maybe because he doesn't think he should or maybe because he doesn't think he can. That's hardly the point.

He's glad Adam catches the grin. It's intended for Adam in any case. Ronan isn't even thinking about last boyfriends or forever. Of course, Ronan rarely thinks any further than a few hours at the most. He's thinking about now. He's thinking about the present, but Ronan is loyal; he's not interested in anything short term. He doesn't like change and he loves Adam Parrish.

He quirks an eyebrow at Adam's words. That's not what he had expected Adam to say, but then he'd never poked his nose into Adam's business enough to really know what Blue was to Adam. He nods a little and reached over to grab another present and tosses it into Adam's lap. This bracelet is inside. No big deal right? Except it's a huge deal, so Ronan totally acts as if it isn't.

The latitude and longitude on it is the coordinate for Cabeswater. The initials might be A P L but the L is a little worn and might be difficult to read.

With the boyfriend thing settled (mostly) Adam tries not to look too excited or giddy about it. Giddiness is not something that Adam likes to feel because he has little experience with it and has no idea what to do with it. But there's no denying the excitement inside that he's trying so hard not to let show even though it threatens to burst out and make a mess over this perfect little scene Ronan has put together for them.

Ronan Lynch is his boyfriend. And nothing has broken or exploded. The world is still turning on its axis. Adam Parrish is desirable.

The new gift, thankfully, gives him something to focus on besides the party going on inside of him. He starts to carefully work at the wrapping. But then after a glance up to Ronan, he rips through the ribbon and the paper. In the box inside, Adam findes the bracelet and picks it out. His head tilts to the side as he looks over the numbers and the letters.

There is no mistaking those numbers for anything else but what they are. They were numbers that every single one of them were intimate with. "Cabeswater." It was the most amazing thing. The bracelet was perfect. The A P L threw him off because of the L. He felt weird assuming that the L was for Lynch. And why was it more worn than the other two. He looked up to Ronan curiously. "I love this." No matter what, he loved it. It was suddenly the most precious thing he owned.

Mostly. Ronan would wonder if Adam regretted asking it, or the answer that Ronan gave. He would wonder if Adam wants to change his mind for weeks and perhaps longer (yes, Ronan has insecurities too. He's just not upfront about them). Christmas Morning is a perfect time for giddy and if Adam wants to make a mess of the scene Ronan set, the scene was set for Adam in the first place. He can do what he wants with it.

Ronan is equally as surprised that nothing has broken or exploded simply because destruction is Ronan's M.O. He's actually happy right now and nothing is exploding. Adam Parrish is his boyfriend and that's something he's wanted for longer than he can remember wanting something.

Focus is good and Ronan focuses on Adam opening the new gift as well. Whether Adam knows it or not, he's nervous about this gift. He remembers the bracelet, remembers grabbing it from the leylines and knows that it has Cabeswater coordinates on it. That part had been a conscious, intentional decision. However, when he'd grabbed it, thumb pressing over the L, he'd noticed the subconscious addition to the bracelet: A P L. Nerves actually caused a sick lurch of his stomach as he watched Adam rip the paper, tried to judge the expression on Adam's face.

Those nerves bleed away, a genuine if small (actual) smile slipping across his lips. Without warning, Ronan leaned over, his hand going to the back of Adam's neck so he could pull him into a kiss.

Definitely his boyfriend. Definitely stood for L.

Ronan pulls him into a kiss and this act is still new enough that Adam feels a lurch of his heart in his chest and just a step behind the kiss as he returns it. A part of him wishes he were a better kisser. A part of him hopes that he never gets entirely used to kissing Ronan Lynch. His boyfriend. Officially. Even that thought makes his chest feel tight with emotion that he isn't ready to explore.

But kissing. Kissing is something he can do.

Adam melts into it. Then speaks against Ronan's lips. "I think I have something at the shop..." He kisses him again. "To fix the L."

It is still new in a wonderful sort of way and it's obvious in the way Ronan kisses him that Adam's kissing abilities are just fine. Ronan's fingers slide up into Adam's hair as he kisses him. It's a lazy, languid sort of kiss something that isn't as hurried or desperate as some of their other kisses, but it's something infinitely more settled in a good way. It's comfortable and thrilling at the same time.

Ronan smirks against Adam's lips and pulls back marginally. "Yeah? Don't know why it came out all messed up." In some ways he does know why: his own insecurities and concerns about this relationship and Adam's commitment to it. However, he's not willing to voice those suspicions. "Dream things can be all sorts of fucked up. Least this one's mostly okay."

Considering the content of the last few days, there's bound to be some weird frustration dream things wrapped up in some of the boxes.

"It's not messed up." Adam almost sounded defensive about that even as the words spilled into another kiss that he gave to Ronan. It was getting harder and harder not to kiss Ronan every single time he wanted to, much less when Ronan initiated a kiss. So Adam had to kiss him now like he had to breathe in and out.

He looks into Ronan's eyes just briefly before he shakes his head and looks down. "You just knew how much I like to fix things. Will you put it on me?"

Ronan is perfect happy to kiss rather than talk. Words aren't his thing anyway. he's always spoke louder in action and more so after Niall's death. Kissing was, generally, a whole hell of a lot more fun than talking in Ronan's opinion. He liked kissing Adam. This is Ronan's first experience with this sort of kissing and it's just as addictive to him as it seems to be to Adam.

"Yeah, well...you're a freak like that," Ronan says softly, a little breathlessly as he takes the bracelet and reaches for Adam's wrist. He buckles it on, holding his wrist a moment longer, looking at the bracelet there.

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Closed to Adam Parrish | Christmas traditions

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