itinere | open || i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

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open || i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

The monsters have been gone from Itinere for a few days now. The city is repairing itself in that strange way it does and the quiet couldn't be more unwelcoming as far as Adam is concerned. At least while the monsters were invading there were other things to focus on. Keep the Barns safe. Keep Ronan safe. Keep Opal safe. Stay alive. Survive. Somehow, some way, survive. Now, there's only himself and his own guilt to wallow in. He could have done something more. He should have been faster, stronger, better... just better.

He's waited a few days, waited to see if Noah comes back twenty-four hours or so after his death. He's waited more than twenty-four hours, searching, hoping, checking his phone contacts and finding Noah's name missing... still. His heart hurts. He kind of hates himself for not being more than he is, for not saving Noah. He's mad at Noah too in a completely irrational way. Noah, who kept telling him to go, who wouldn't fight with him, who is just... gone.

Finally, he has to accept it. It's easier said than done. Noah is gone. Noah is gone. Noah is gone.

Adam dives into his work. Parrish's garage is open very early in the mornings and closed far past normal working hours. He repairs everything that is brought in and tinkers with things he already has. He builds skateboards, bikes, engines, etc. During his lunch breaks he goes over to Subtext, the bookstore, and reads. He reads so many books, mostly about engineering, some about medical things. He takes notes on things he wants to remember.

Keeping his mind busy is the best plan, he thinks.

One night he stops by The Houndstooth to do a practice run, to tell two strange girls that Noah is gone. It isn't easy, not even a little bit. But most nights he usually grabs dinner in town and takes it back to the Barns for Ronan and Opal. And every so often, he goes to that alleyway where Adam had led Noah to try to lose the monster that had attacked them. He imagines he can still see the bloody mess of his friend's body there. He tries to say goodbye to him, but all he can come up with is every apology under the sun, again and again. I'm sorry, Noah. I'm sorry.

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Adam sends a text to Gansey and Blue, asking them to meet him at the Barns. He's even cryptic about it to Ronan, Ronan - who knows something wrong is going on with Adam. But Adam hasn't been able to put it into words yet. All day he's thinking about how to put it into words, how to explain that he didn't fight hard enough to save Noah. But somehow, some way, Adam himself has survived. If Adam Parrish is anything, he is a survivor. Sometimes he hates being that.

He brings pizza and cokes home after work even though he's pretty sure no one will eat it. And after he's made sure Opal has coloring books and sketch pads to occupy her upstairs, he heads down to wait for Gansey and Blue to get here.

Ronan has definitely realized that something is going on with Adam, but he hasn't pushed Adam too hard. He's learned with Adam to give him space and time; Adam will come around to talking to Ronan eventually. When Adam had sent the text out, Ronan had fed all the animals early so that he wouldn't have to worry about it later. That's where he's at when Adam gets home. He'll wander in a little later, wash his hands and grab a piece of pizza to eat while he waits for the others to arrive. He may wish he hadn't eaten that pizza later.

Gansey hasn't seen Noah around lately, but there'd been a lot going on and he's been deeply involved with his books and his notes. There's a never-ending mystery to solve here that keeps him occupied. He brings home stacks of books from the bookstore here and piles them in Monmouth. He knows that Noah has a girlfriend(s) and has assumed that in the wake of monsters and danger, he was spending time with him.

When he gets Adam's text, he's pleased. After all, it's high time they all get together and reconnect. He'll swing by Blue's work to pick her up then drive the Pig straight to the Barns, thankful that it doesn't break down on the way. His stomach rumbles in anticipation of pizza and he's got no idea he won't want it in a few minutes. He can't remember when he ate last. Perhaps something Blue brought back from the place she works a night or two ago? He's not certain. He's been busy and not sleeping because he's been busy.

Work usually moves by pretty quickly. Waiting tables is not exactly the most exciting of jobs but it usually keeps Blue's attention. It helps that most of the patrons she's met in Itinere are a lot less patronizing than the Raven Boys that would frequent Nino's. So most of the time, Blue's happy at work. She's happy doing something and giving back and being a part of a community. But ever since she received Adam's text mid-shift, every second has seemed to drag.

Blue likes work. Blue likes excuses to be around her boys even better. With the monster attack, it hasn't exactly been safe to go outside. She's been best off staying in Monmouth and going stir crazy from being trapped inside. That's over now and the second Blue hears the Pig pull up outside, she runs out the door.

The sooner they get to the Barns, the happier she'll be.

Even when Ronan enters the room, Adam is staring out of the front window while he waits for Gansey and Blue to get here. His mind is still working over words and how to say tham to the others. Nothing seems to do Noah justice. Noah had been alive here. He'd had people, friends, even girlfriends, and now there's this gaping Noah shaped hole that Adam is about to share with the others.

No matter how much Noah thought he didn't matter, Adam is here to say that he did. His absence speaks volumes. His absence is loud and grating and uncomfortable and just... wrong.

He hears the pig coming from a mile away and the nerves roiling in Adam's belly go into overdrive. Somewhere, deep down, for the first time in his life, he'd hoped that the pig would break down and that they'd have to do this some other day, some other time... any time but right now. Still, he stares out of the window knowing that they can let themselves in or Ronan will let them in. Either way, Adam is still trying to work the words out.

"There's pizza." He says when Blue and Gansey walk inside. Adam doesn't even turn around when he says it. He stares at the pig, at the outside, all of it without really seeing it. Words. He has to say the right words. Anyone who knows Adam knows that he's horrible at words, especially when they're words that count, important words.

Ronan watches Adam while he eats his pizza, while they wait for Gansey and Blue to get here. He's got a bad feeling that he knows what Adam is going to say and he wishes that he knew how to help Adam. Unfortunately, words aren't Ronan's strong point. They never have been.

Noah always mattered. Always.

When he hears the Pig pulling up, Ronan moves to go stand by Adam. He might not be able to help Adam with the right words, but he can help him by staying close.

Gansey is anxious to get to the Barns as well. He hasn't seen Ronan, Adam or Noah in weeks because of the monsters. He's looking forward to seeing them. It feels like when he, Blue and Henry were traveling the world. Gansey got homesick. Now, he's homesick for not a place, but people.

When he walks into the living room of the Barns, he knows immediately that this is not a reunion, or at least it's not the purpose of the meeting. It's written all over Adam and Ronan. He looks over his shoulder to Blue, and reaches for her hand.

"Thanks," he says as he takes a step to the pizza. He doesn't pick up a piece though. "Glad that mess with the monsters is over. Things almost seem to be returning to normal."

There's someone missing. It sinks in now. There had been someone missing in the group text that had gone around and there's someone missing in the room now. Blue isn't a psychic like the rest of her family. She'll never be a psychic. But she feels a sinking pit form in her stomach. The expression on Adam's face says enough.

Once, Blue would have felt awkward taking Gansey's hand in front of Adam and Ronan. That feels like another lifetime ago. Like she had been a whole different Blue then, a Blue afraid to be completely honest with the people that meant the most to her. That isn't her anymore. It hasn't been who she is in a long time. So she takes Gansey's hand and squeezes it tight. Blue takes a deep breath. No reason to beat around the bush. She looks at Adamn, eyes lit with concern: "What happened?"

Of course, Blue is the one to get it first. Back home, they're all so used to Noah's sometimes being absent. It makes sense for him to not always be around once you know he's a ghost, something they all probably should have realized way before they did. But here, Noah had been alive. One would hope that if he could, he would be with them. But he can't because he's not here anymore. He's not even a ghost back home. He's just... gone. So maybe Gansey is right. Things are now normal.

In any case, Adam is almost thankful at Blue's powers of deduction, that he doesn't have to say the words 'Noah is dead and I watched it happen'. The others will catch up. "Monster. A big thing with claws and teeth."

He shrugs, his back still to the group although he knows Ronan is close. His hands are shoved into his pockets bit one of them itches to reach out to Ronan. He doesn't though. He has to get through this before he moves on to something else. "I waited a lot of days, cause I know sometimes people come back. But he's gone. His name isn't in our PDA's anymore."

When Blue speaks, Ronan looks up, eyes wide for a moment. He knows she's right though and he hates it. He gets up and moves over next to Adam, his hand going to the small of Adam's back. Adam's behavior the last few days makes sense now; he's been withdrawn and quiet, haunted even. It'll be a minute or two before Ronan takes a moment to feel the bone deep sorrow and sharp pain at losing Noah again. He's glad that Adam has gathered them here so that they can be here for each other.

Gansey listens, a disbelieving sort of look on his face. He starts to shake his head, to argue with Adam. This can't be right. They'd gotten Noah back here. Noah was--but as he continues to listen to Adam, as he pays attention to Adam's body language, to the tenor of his voice, he knows it's the truth. All the same, he gets his PDA out, scrolling through the contacts, the tip of his tongue between his lips. He hopes against hope that Adam is wrong, that Noah's name is there. Of course, it's not. HIs hand falls to his side and he looks to Blue, grateful for her hand in his. He starts to speak and falters then tries again. "Adam, I--I apologize. I should have been here. Blue and I...we should have been here."

Normal doesn't make it right. Part of the joy of being in Itinere was being around Noah again. Back home, he's gone. He's gone and he's never coming back. That hadn't been the case here. Nor had he been the sickly ghost boy they knew, holding on to what was left of his afterlife by strings. Had any of them seen him in his final days in Henrietta? There had been so much going on back then that Blue's not sure that she even remembered to ask.

He had found his peace there. Hadn't he already had that here? He had been alive, real.

It hurts all over again. But Noah wouldn't want them to linger in that pain.

At Gansey's apology, she shoots him a sharp look. Adam needed his time to process what had happened before telling the rest of them. He hadn't even told Ronan. Now isn't the time or place for apologies. That's not important. What's important is that they're together. "We're here now," Blue states. "We're all still here. A family. Cause that's what Noah would want."

The apology from Gansey doesn't fall on deaf ears. But Adam knows that it's his fault they weren't here. How could they have known? Adam didn't tell anyone. It's also his fault Noah is dead. He isn't even sure they'd want to be here if they looked at what happened in that alleyway from his point of view. Adam's already beating himself up for it enough.

What Noah would want... he'd seemed so content to die. It confused the hell out of Adam. Maybe Adam never really knew Noah or what he would want.

Blue is right about one thing. They're a family. Even when they don't get along. Even when they want to strangle one another. They're family. Truth be told, Adam is kind of surprised that no one is yelling at him right now for waiting so many days before telling them. He's still kind of waiting for that backlash.

But the word 'family' lingers. It echoes in his mind. And finally he turns back to face the room but just like he used to, he doesn't actually meet anyone's gaze. His hand reaches out to hook a finger in Ronan's bracelets at his wrist. "I'm not even sure exactly what happened. I fought..." But Noah did not. Noah just kept telling Adam to run over and over. "But it happened anyway. So... now you know."

There's no fault here. As Blue pointed out, they're together now and that's what's important. He takes a deep breath, trying to process the idea of no Noah. That had been one of the best parts of Itinere. They'd had Noah. Even if Gansey knew what happened to Noah, he wouldn't blame Adam. Adam had tried. That's all any of them could have done.

In Gansey's experience, that's part of being a family as well: wanting to strangle each other, not getting along. There are plenty of times that Gansey can't stand his parents or Helen.

Ronan moves closer as Adam books his finger in his bracelets. The expression on his face is one of worry, worry for Adam and confusion about why Adam didn't tell him sooner, but that's hardly the most important thing right now.

Gansey takes a step closer to everyone else, kind of closing the circle. He looks to Adam, to Blue and back to Ronan. "Perhaps Blue and I could stay here for a little while," he nods to Ronan. "If it's okay with you, Ronan."

"Yeah. No problem. You can have Declan's room." It doesn't occur to him that Blue and Gansey might want separate bedrooms.

Gansey's right on that. There's no fault on anyone here. Adam and Noah were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have just as easily been any of the others in that alleyway, her or Ronan or Gansey. Blue understands that. She doesn't blame Adam in the least bit. Nor does she think any of the others do, either.

Besides, even if she had blamed him, she would eventually forgive. That's a part of being a family. No matter how angry they get with one another, they learn to forgive.

She doesn't argue when Gansey suggests they stay for a while. It's exactly what she was going to suggest anyway. But she does balk a little when Ronan only suggests one room. She gives Ronan a sharp look. "What about me?"

Sharing a tent while travelling is one thing. But this, well, it feels like something very different.

Sometimes Adam thinks he's evolved so much since Henrietta, since first being invited back to Monmouth by Gansey, since Blue. He and Ronan have been in Itinere longer than most. There's been plenty that has happened to him to make him evolve. And then something like this happens and things that felt so sure and strong yesterday feel tentative and breakable at best.

Why didn't he tell anyone right away? Because he was worried they would blame him as much as he blames himself. Why didn't he tell Ronan right away? Because anyone who saw Ronan and Noah together knows how much Ronan cared about Noah. Adam doesn't want to break Ronan's heart. He also, selfishly, doesn't want to give Ronan a reason to break Adam's heart. He doesn't want to lose anyone. In moments like these, it feels as if it would all be so easy to lose, even if that's not the case.

He knows Ronan is probably upset with him now, knowing he didn't tell him something like this. But what's done is done. He keeps from looking directly at him for now even if he still leans a little closer to him.

Adam has thought to remain silent on the idea of Gansey and Blue staying here. But Blue's question surprises him. He's just assumed that the pair has been sharing a room not just while on their trips abroad, but also at Monmouth. Hence, the confused question that follows. "Aren't you gonna stay with Gansey?"

She wants to say that Adam had been worrying about nothing. At least when it comes to Blue. She’ll miss – already misses – Noah. Blaming Adam for the other boy’s disappearance wouldn’t accomplish anything though. She’s grateful that he’s still here. That afternoon could have turned out a lot worse; she could have lost two of her boys instead of just one.

Hopefully Ronan will understand. Hopefully he won’t hold anything against Adam. It isn’t as if he meant to hurt any of them by keeping this secret. She just wishes he had come to her about all of this sooner.

From the corner of her eye, she notices Ronan lean closer to Adam. It’s in contrast to what Blue does in the moment. Without realizing what she’s doing, Blue puts more space between herself and Gansey. She has no reason to be embarrassed right now and yet she can’t seem to help it. Adam’s question is innocent. Blue has to remind herself that before responding. She shouldn’t take the anger she feels at herself out on him. “There are enough rooms here.”

Gansey feels the same way. He will miss Noah so much, but he's glad that Adam is still here, glad that the monster that took Noah from them didn't take Adam as well. He doesn't blame Adam in the least. He can't be expected to know how to fight something like the thing that killed Noah. Gansey saw the monsters roaming the streets, and he stayed in Monmouth.

Ronan won't be too hard on Adam. He's grateful that Adam is still here. Yes, he will miss Noah, but he'll blame himself before he'll blame Adam. As for being upset that Adam didn't tell him earlier: they've never been big on words and he didn't need to know what was wrong with Adam to comfort him. He is glad he knows now though.

Blue might not have any reason to be embarrassed, but Gansey flushes bright enough for both of them. He tries to clear his throat, starts to stammer and stutter and ends up letting Blue answer the question. "And if not, it's unlikely I'll sleep much anyway. The sofa will suffice quite well enough."

Ronan smirks and shakes his head. "Nah. One of you can have Declan's room. One of you can take Mom and Dad's. Opal is in Matthew's room now."

Truthfully, Adam hadn't thought that he was asking so serious a question. He'd thought it would be obvious that Gansey and Blue were together, but maybe not. To be fair though, he isn't actually thinking all that straight right now. Still, watching Blue and Gansey work awkwardly through the answer surprises him.

For a moment, following their answers and Ronan's offer, Adam just stands there wondering if he shouldn't sleep in Ronan's room with Gansey and Blue there and also trying to suss out whatever is between the lines of what Blue and Gansey has said.

In the end, he just shakes his head. "Okay well that's worked out. Pizza. Have pizza. I'm going to bed." He lingers at Ronan's side a bit before making his way toward the stairs with another murmured 'sorry'. He's basically sorry for everything right now and needs to be alone.

If Adam doesn't end up in Ronan's room, Ronan will go looking for him. He might wish Adam had told him about Noah sooner; there might even be a conversation about how Adam can tell him anything and he doesn't have to keep things like this to himself, but in the end, Ronan won't let Adam deal with this by himself, not now that he knows.

He watches Adam go up the stairs then looks back to Gansey and Blue. He's not hungry, but he grabs another slice of pizza anyway to encourage Gansey and Blue to eat. "Come on. I'll show you two where the rooms are," Ronan says to Gansey and Blue. "We could probably all use some fucking time to work through this."

By which, he means he's going to go to bed shortly too.

Gansey nods and looks to Blue. He'll follow Ronan as he shows them the rooms then he'll probably spend the larger part of the night awake in the living room.

Lucy is sitting at the bar watching the TV and sipping her mint julep when she sees Adam walk in. The bar is quiet tonight and it's not hard to spot a cute guy walking in. She smiles and waves him over.

"You're Adam, aren't you? One of Noah's friends." He'd pointed him out at one of the parties this place had thrown.

She hasn't seen Noah in a while and she'd assumed it was because he'd been locked away with his other friends. She got it. She and Jill had locked themselves up in the Houndstooth with a bunch of other people. However, the monsters are gone and Noah hasn't checked in so color Lucy worried.

"Can we get you something to drink?" We is referring to Jill mostly, but Lucy is doing the asking since Jill will be doing the drink making. It's how they work.

"No thanks." Adam only really drinks when Ronan is around and they're drinking together. Otherwise, he steers clear. He never wants to be an alcoholic like Robert Parrish. Somehow, as with most things, drinking with Ronan is okay. It was nice of them to offer though.

He nods and stands at the bar looking between the two girls he doesn't know but probably should have met before now. Noah liked these girls. Or something. Noah rarely spoke about it but they all knew.

"Uh... yeah I'm Adam. Noah's friend." He says. "Jill and Lucy, right?"

Jill pauses cleaning the counter and looks at Adam. Noah had never shown up at The Houndstooth like he said he would that day. And it hasn't escaped her notice that his name is not in the contacts list on her phone anymore.

"I'm Jill. This is Lucy." She says.

"Hi. We probably should've met before now." He says apologetically. His mind is working in overdrive, trying to figure out how to say what he needs to say.

Lucy nods a little. She's aware that not every one drinks, but it is kind of weird to come into a bar and not have a drink, which makes her stomach twist with worry.

She nods, letting Jill take care of the introductions. Lucy has been happily denying that anything was wrong with Noah. It's kind of her M.O anyway so she'd taken to it naturally, but she has a feeling that Adam is about to take away her coping strategy.

She shakes her head a little at Adam's apology. "No. It's--it's okay. Noah pointed you guys out one time at a thing."

"Yeah, okay. So uhm..." Adam's hands are shoved into his pockets and he looks down at the floor. This is his fault. He did this. Noah is dead because he didn't fight hard enough, because Ronan wasn't there or Gansey or Blue or somebody with better fucking luck than Adam Parrish.

"It's Noah, isn't it?" Jill says softly, staring at Adam over the bar. As Adam nods she walks around to the other side and takes Lucy's hand in hers. Jill is better at these kinds of things than Lucy. Jill has known darkness and heartache her whole life. She'll cope in completely unhealthy ways, but she'll do it while being fine on the outside. She'll be strong for Lucy. For once, Jill will be the one being strong for Lucy instead of Lucy being strong for Jill as she always is in every other way.

Adam takes another deep breath and nods again, still weighing his words. "He's gone. I waited a lot of days hoping he'd come back. But he's gone. I was there. I... I saw it and... he's gone. And I thought you should know."

This is not Adam's fault. This is the fault of whatever creature stalked them, the fault of whatever creature killed him.

As soon as Jill says the words, Lucy's stomach heaves. For a moment, she thinks that she's going to have to excuse herself to the bathroom, but her stomach rights itself when Jill comes around the bar to take her hand. She squeezes Jill's hand.

She hears Adam's words. She hears them and yet she doesn't really understand them. Her eyes well with tears and they slip down her cheeks. "No. That's--he's just hiding out somewhere. People come back here. Maybe...maybe he's hurt somewhere."

She knows that he's gone though. She's known for a little while. Adam is just confirming it and Lucy doesn't want to hear it. That doesn't make it any less true.

Adam just shakes his head to Lucy's protests. He's thought the same thing, that maybe it would take Noah longer to come back than most because he was a ghost back home. Adam's tried to make that make sense in his head by twisting it every way he can. But it just doesn't work.

Noah is gone. "He's gone. I'm sorry. I couldn't..." He shakes his head. "Sorry."

Jill wraps her arms around Lucy. She knows that Adam is only confirming what they already knew. Lucy and Jill have thought it plenty of times. Now they know. They already knew. Jill feels tears fill her eyes and boy could she use a cigarette and a stiff drink and a razor blade.

"It's okay." It's not okay. But it will be. She and Lucy will get through it. They'll move on like they always do. Jill and Lucy too the end, no matter what. That's how they roll. They just would have liked to go to the end with Noah.

She pushes those tears back and tells Adam thanks. "People leave all the time." Only she knows that Noah goes back to being a ghost and that makes her sad.

"Yeah. He was just... I think he was happy here. At least I thought he was." Adam finally says. Only Noah had seemed so at peace, even resigned, to leaving. He continues though. "You guys were a part of that, I think. I just thought you should know."

Lucy's protests are not because of Adam. They're a reflection of how much she doesn't want Noah to be gone.

When Jill wraps her arms around her, Lucy buries her face in Jill's neck. She'd support the stiff drink part of that coping. In fact, that's probably what they'll do as soon as Adam leaves.

No, it's not okay. Somehow, Lucy has always known that in the end, it'll be her and Jill. She had hoped Noah would be there too.

"It's not fair," Lucy whispers to add to the conversation. It's ridiculous and she knows that life isn't fair.

When Adam says that Noah was happy, Lucy tries to pull herself together. She looks up, mascara streaking her face. "Thank you. For telling us," she manages.

Adam is not very good with words. He isn't even sure he's done or said the right thing here with Noah's... what are they? Were they his girlfriends? Noah Czerny had girlfriends. Two, very pretty, girlfriends. That is baffling to Adam. And yet, he's glad. Because Noah, even if he hadn't felt like it, was alive here. He'd lived.

And now, as the two girls hold each other in front of him, Adam feels like he's invading a private moment. Whether he's done the right thing by them or not, he nods and walks off, disappearing as quickly as he'd arrived. This trial run was for something much bigger. Somehow, he feels like telling Lucy and Jill was easier than it will be telling Ronan, Blue and Gansey.

Jill is still holding Lucy as Adam leaves. Her heart hurts. But Jill is used to that kind of feeling so she takes it in stride. A hurt heart only hurts for so long before it does what it has to do to survive. And she still has Lucy. Thankfully. There's always Lucy who she loves more than anything.

Finally, she pulls back and takes Lucy's face between both hands. She swipes her tears gently with her thumbs and leans in to kiss her, slow and sweet. "Let's go home."

Really, it's probably for the best that Adam just disappear. Lucy will cope with everything better when it's just her and Jill. She doesn't notice Adam leaving so much anyway.

She closes teary eyes when Jill kisses her, returning the kiss despite her stunned state. Being with Jill is instinct, like breathing and she doesn't need to think with Jill. She nods a little and takes Jill's hand.

"Yeah. Home will be better," she says quietly.

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open || i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

FOR GANSEY, BLUE & RONAN

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