itinere | Open | Sometimes ghosts find you no matter how far you run

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Open | Sometimes ghosts find you no matter how far you run

Matt has been in Itinere for a few months now. He's settled, as much as he can, and he's come up with a routine, but he still doesn't have a purpose. Daredevil isn't something that's needed here nor is practicing law something that's necessary. He feels rudderless and useless without something to do, some way to help. It's with this useless feeling that he wakes up one morning, showers, dresses and grabs his keys from the side table out of habit more than anything. He locks his apartment door and notices a new key on his keyring, but it's also an old key, one with edges worn and notches that he could trace in his sleep. His heart catches in his throat and he pushes hope and emotion down. It's just a key, he tells himself then takes the elevator down and heads out the main door of the apartment building to grab a cup of coffee.

He walks along the street as he usually does with his coffee when a familiar smell stops him in his tracks and it occurs to him that maybe the key isn't just a key. With a little exploration, he figures out which building is new, which building wasn't there yesterday morning when he'd taken this walk. His hands slide along bricks, feeling a building that's been a part of his life for as long as he can remember, a building that ought to be in Hell's Kitchen and not here. At the front door, he gets the key out and tries it, unsurprised at this point when it unlocks the door and he steps inside. He can't see the room that's actually in front of him, but he knows what it looks like regardless, or he knows what it looked like when he was nine years old, when he used to go to the gym with his dad and hang over the ropes of the ring while he practiced. It smells exactly the same and that smell evokes Matt's childhood memories, good memories of afternoons with his father, of his father's refusal to teach him to box because he wanted him to use his brains instead of his fists.

Despite Matt's memories, the gym isn't quite the same. It contains many elements of the old gym he'd spent so much time in. There's a boxing ring and a slew of punching bags, but there's also a cardio room with treadmills and exercise bikes. It's also got Murdock's Gym on the sign out front, a fight poster of Battlin' Jack Murdock and an advertisement of his last fight. His robe is there as well encased in glass. Matt will spend the rest of the day exploring those differences in this gym and the one from his childhood. Feel free to come in and disturb him. He could stand to be pulled out of his memories.

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"Eight months? Wow. Have you ever tried to go home? Can you go home? I mean, I miss home and all that, but what about your night job? Are the monsters enough, that you'd stay to defend this city, rather than your home?" Maybe after a month or so, she'd try to find a way back.

"Dozens of times," Matt answers. "When I open the door, it doesn't go anywhere. There's just a brick wall." He sighs a little, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And there aren't usually monsters here. This is a new thing. If I could get home, I would be home."

Despite the fact that he's found people he cares about.

Claire nods. "I'm going to attempt soon. Would you want to come with me, if I succeed? Do you really want to go home?" He's been here a while, so if he's established some new relationships, healthy ones...then she wouldn't want to get in the way of that. She wants Matt to be happy, no matter what.

He's struggled with this very scenario, but he does often check the door to see if it's open. He's falling in love with Katniss here, developing a relationship with her and even a life. He doesn't have to be anyone here but himself. He's not fighting against a system. His life here is peaceful and far more normal than anything else in his life, but he also knows that Hell's Kitchen needs someone to help. The people there deserve better and he can help make it a better place. "I'm not sure the doorway will be open if I'm with you. I check it every few days, but yeah. If I can go back to Hell's Kitchen and help out there, I have to do that."

He's already talked about this with Katniss. His happiness isn't a factor. Though, he might talk to her about whether she'd be interested in going to his world, if she could. He knows the doors are fickle about who it allows through and who it doesn't.

"You don't know if it won't or will...we just have to take a chance. We still need you at home. And...I miss you." Her words probably don't have the same meaning as they once would, with where they left things, back in New York. She just thought she would throw that out there, to see how he'd react.

"As far as I can tell, no one does. Some people claim to have gone back to their worlds then ended up here again." He nods, a little frustrated and snappish, because he is happy here and he's not happy back home. "I know I'm needed back home. That's why I check the damn door every few days." He scrapes a hand back through his hair then rubs the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap. Things are exactly easy back home." They haven't been for years.

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. "I'm glad to have you here, Claire. I've missed you as well."

Claire can hear the conflict between those he wants to protect at home and here. It must be grinding on his Catholic martyr gears. He feels that there is no one back for him at home, but really? It's herself and Foggy, no matter how much their friendship fell apart; or how they left things.

"Okay, so which is it? Do you want to stay here? Or do you want to go home? I can help you decide. If you feel that no one at home is worth going back to? Then, that's your decision. You're a big boy, as you once told me. But that's not going to stop me from worrying about you," she edges closer, trying to see if he'd accept a friendly hug.

"You do? We miss you at home for more ways than one. I don't miss stitching you up, but I miss you kicking ass on the streets. Is there something or someone here that's keeping you away from keeping Hell's Kitchen safe?"

Oh, it's definitely the Catholic in him and she's not wrong about that conflict either. He's begun to make a life for himself here, one that he could be happy in despite the fact he doesn't have Foggy here or a job in law. There's some need for DareDevil, enough that he feels as if he's doing some good. The way he'd left things back home, neither Foggy nor Karen were speaking to him; Nelson and Murdock had been dissolved; Electra was dead. Home isn't a place with many good things in it right now.

Matt rakes a hand through his hair. "I need to go back home." That's the truth, but all of the ways he doesn't want to go home are heavy in his voice. Want and need are two very different things. There's no room for want in Matt's world. The failed relationship he'd tried to start with Claire, the one he'd thought he might have with Electra, those both tell him that.

"No. No one should be missing me back home," he says, brow furrowing with worry. "That's the way things are supposed to work back home." More than one person has told him that. "Time ceases to move in my timeline, at least while I'm here." Panic is blooming in his belly because that's one thing that made him think it might be okay to start a life here. They weren't actually needing him back home. As for her second question. He takes a breath and nods. "Katniss. She's a woman here I've met. I've become involved with her. She knows what I am, who I am and she doesn't care."

Claire really didn't want to argue and fight with Matt. She really didn't. But, she really does want to know what is going inside that guilt laden mind of his. She did have her blood up after quitting her job at Metro General, but now? Now, her life was really uncertain. If she was stuck here, how would she survive emotionally? She'd miss her Mom, most of all. Matt doesn't think that anyone else would miss him, but she misses him. But he's moved on and she's stuck in another...universe? World? Without anyone else that he knows. He's it and he doesn't want anything to do with a lot of people from home. She might want to quit while she was ahead.

"No one should be? What about me? What about Karen or Foggy? They might not think they miss you, but they love you Matt. We all do. Daredevil needs to be back in New York, because you ARE the city, Matt. You are a true blood New Yorker that gives a shit about other people and their well being. Katniss? That young girl? Matt, you're not serious."

The young woman must have been eighteen years old, nineteen tops. Well, maybe Claire is definitely not anyone he wants. Or anyone wants, really. Maybe she should try to go home, but in the meantime, maybe she should just be the kick ass nurse that she always is; serving others. She doesn't see any hope in relationships or friendships, if she stays here. It just seems hopeless. Matt said that the door mostly doesn't let people go through. Could she survive here?

Claire sighs. "I don't care who you are. If you really thought that after all this time, then you don't really know me, Matt."

Edited (syntax and grammar) 2016-11-17 11:23 (UTC)

Matt had no desire to fight with Claire either. He doesn't confess his thoughts often though and they'd left things a bit rocky when he'd last seen her back in New York. He's also had a lot more time than she has to get used to the idea of being here. Things are a mess back home; Neither Foggy nor Karen are speaking to him and he's just lost someone he loved, someone he was willing to abandon his entire life for. Here, he's had time to get over that hurt, time to put down roots and make connections. He's had time to make this home. There's even pieces of his father here in the gym. It's not that he doesn't want anything to do with people from home; The people from home have left him. He's not blameless, and he knows that. The choices he's made have led to the people from home leaving him. Claire left him; Foggy left him and Karen left him. He's alone back home.

"You left. Foggy is taking a job with a big law firm and Karen isn't speaking to me," Matt snaps. "As for Katniss, I'm very serious. She accepts me the way I am, guilt and all. She accepts the weird senses and the Daredevil deal. She accepts a hell of a lot more than anyone else I know. You didn't want a relationship with me, Claire. You don't get a say in who I have one with now."

If Claire wants to have a life here, she can carve one out. Matt will help, but she's going to have to accept his relationship with Katniss. She's also going to have to accept that he's happy here. If she can accept that, he's willing to help her forge a life here. He's willing to be her friend.

"As a friend, maybe you don't, but I am not friends with Katniss. She doesn't care who I am and she still wants a romantic relationship with me."

What Matt doesn't realize, is that he was never alone back home. Even when Claire was going through all that shit at work, there he was, making sure she and her co-workers were safe.

"I didn't truly leave you, Matt. I was willing to be there for you. I was willing to take care of you. Since then, I've met more people like you. I think they are what it takes to make our city safe. You wanted the law firm dissolved and Foggy agreed. Karen became a reporter and was hurt that you kept all of that from her, wasn't she? I think the hurt goes both ways, not only one. I think you know that deep down, Matt. If you think that I think you're everything I wouldn't want in a friend, then you're sadly mistaken. Those senses, fighting skills, your sense of justice? After all I've seen, after all I've been through, with Luke, with Jessica? I know street level heroes are what the city needs. If I can see the error of my ways, why can't you?

Claire will have to carve out a life for herself, if she continues to be here. Maybe she can use her nursing skills and maybe meet someone herself. Regardless of how misguided his relationship is with Katniss, she would like to see him happy. To see that smile she so rarely sees.

"Fine, that's your life, not mine. I'm just saying that you're going to be the adult in the relationship. If you're happy, you're happy. If you don't want anything to do with me, fine. I'll be alright by myself."

Oh, he's well aware that he wasn't alone then and maybe in Claire's time, he's not alone now, but from Matt's time, from his point of view, he is all alone with the exception of Father Lantom. A priest isn't enough to make Matt want to return to the lowest point in his life.

"I wanted the law firm dissolved because of everything that had happened between Foggy and I, because Foggy was done with me, with Daredevil, with everything that I brought into his life. Maybe I should have told Karen sooner, but I didn't want to draw another person into the daredevil thing, especially with her point of view on what Frank was doing." He shakes his head a little. "I didn't want to bring you further into things. I didn't want to dump my stuff on you. There were times that I didn't have a choice, and I'm sorry for the negative impact that had on you." He rakes a hand back through his hair. He's never heard of Luke or Jessica by name, but he does know that there are other people like him. He's known that for a while, ever since the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D went public. "The error of my ways? I've told you that if that damn door will open for me, I'll go back for Hell's Kitchen, to help save the city. What more do you want from me, Claire?"

There's a hospital here so he knows that she could have a job if she wanted it. She could help out here. He's still not really understanding why she thinks his relationship with Katniss is misguided, but as far as he knows she doesn't know anything about Katniss. After all, she's only arrived recently, as far as he knows.

"I want a friend, Claire and I don't think you know Katniss well enough to judge her maturity level, but that's really none of your business either. It's my relationship."

"You don't get to choose or speak for me, regarding things that seem from your point of view...a burden to me. Let me figure out that by myself. I think that's the problem with you, Matt. You're convinced that everything is your fault. Guess what? It's not. For once, listen to someone else and figure out that if that person wants to be around you, it's their decision; that things happen around that aren't your fault. Let that go."

"What I want from you, is your heart, your caring, your love of other people. It might get you beat up, but you know that it's your mission to do so. Someone had to do something and you took it upon yourself to do it. That's all I want from you. That and your friendship. We both ruined our chances with one another. Let that be the past. In regards to Katniss, you're right, I don't know much about her. I just know what it's like to be a 18 or 19 year old girl. Everything is changing for her. It's a transition to adult life. But, again, I don't know where she's from, or what she's done in her life. I'll back down," she raises her hands. She can't help thinking about what would have been with Luke either.

"Fine. You didn't choose to end things before they even started between us because of me. Have it your way, Claire. I thought that's exactly what I was doing: taking your cue. Apparently, I read you wrong." He's being a little sarcastic and he knows it, but he will take into account her words. He does tend to assume everything is his fault. He piles guilt on his shoulders whether that guilt belongs to him or not.

"I haven't lost my heart or my caring or even my love of people, Claire. In my timeline, in my world, seconds have passed in the whole time I've been here. Seconds have passed in the time you've been here. No one even realizes that I'm gone because, to them, I'm not. That's the way this place works. I've heard it from others who have gone home and returned. I'd like your friendship as well. I've always wanted that and at one time I did want something from you romantically, but that is past and I don't need to hold onto it." He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. "And when I was needed here, I stepped up. I did what was necessary and I'll do it again. Just because I'm not putting people in jail every night doesn't mean that I've given up my mission. There's just less need for it here."

"Yes, I did reject you. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do, in terms of being involved with you romantically. I was falling in love with you, Matt. It just scared me to see you get more hurt than you actually were...or dead. I've been around people like yourself and have been involved over and over again. I guess I'm like you all in one way: I have to help those in need and make things right. I just can't stand there and do nothing. It's just not a part of me," she confesses, her head down, now ashamed of what she said and did that last time she was with him, after she was kidnapped by the Russians.

"I guess I've got to move on and see what happens here. Being here has made me think about my life and where I am today. Maybe it's my time with those other people, that makes me want to go back. Maybe that's why I miss you, among other things. I'm glad you're doing what you're doing here. I knew that it wouldn't stop, no matter where you were. No matter who you were involved with romantically, or otherwise. I guess seeing someone from home, has made me reflect on what I could, or should have done...or what kind of person I am. I guess I should just help those in need, by doing what I do best. I just hope that we have enough means or supplies to do so. That will keep me occupied enough, to not dwell on missing home so much. Hopefully, I could find some happiness here, if I'm not able to go back through the door. Or, I could be happy seeing others that I care about, happy. I'm glad I found you here, but if I cause you pain or grief, maybe I should be the one that leaves you alone. You deserve the happiness you've found. I hope I can do the same. If I don't...well, there's always my service to people who are sick or hurt." She shrugs, almost in defeat.

It's not like her, but she can't help feeling depressed and alone, when she feels so lost. She hates being helpless and it makes her upset. She won't let him 'see' her cry or carry on. Matt needs to be happy. For the first time in probably his whole life...he should be happy. "It's great to see you, Matt. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. I'll still be here, when you need me...to patch you up." She takes his hand, squeezes it and then lets go. Maybe this is what she needed to do. Maybe she needed to break off from him and let him live his life. She leaves the gym, walking back into the sunlight, where she finally starts to break down and cry. Maybe this is what she needed to do; to let go of him and what once was.

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Open | Sometimes ghosts find you no matter how far you run

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How's THAT?! LOL

There you go!

RP Fu! Hi ya! LOL

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Sorry so depressing, but I feel she was going in that direction. I know I would feel lost.