itinere | Open | Sometimes ghosts find you no matter how far you run

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Open | Sometimes ghosts find you no matter how far you run

Matt has been in Itinere for a few months now. He's settled, as much as he can, and he's come up with a routine, but he still doesn't have a purpose. Daredevil isn't something that's needed here nor is practicing law something that's necessary. He feels rudderless and useless without something to do, some way to help. It's with this useless feeling that he wakes up one morning, showers, dresses and grabs his keys from the side table out of habit more than anything. He locks his apartment door and notices a new key on his keyring, but it's also an old key, one with edges worn and notches that he could trace in his sleep. His heart catches in his throat and he pushes hope and emotion down. It's just a key, he tells himself then takes the elevator down and heads out the main door of the apartment building to grab a cup of coffee.

He walks along the street as he usually does with his coffee when a familiar smell stops him in his tracks and it occurs to him that maybe the key isn't just a key. With a little exploration, he figures out which building is new, which building wasn't there yesterday morning when he'd taken this walk. His hands slide along bricks, feeling a building that's been a part of his life for as long as he can remember, a building that ought to be in Hell's Kitchen and not here. At the front door, he gets the key out and tries it, unsurprised at this point when it unlocks the door and he steps inside. He can't see the room that's actually in front of him, but he knows what it looks like regardless, or he knows what it looked like when he was nine years old, when he used to go to the gym with his dad and hang over the ropes of the ring while he practiced. It smells exactly the same and that smell evokes Matt's childhood memories, good memories of afternoons with his father, of his father's refusal to teach him to box because he wanted him to use his brains instead of his fists.

Despite Matt's memories, the gym isn't quite the same. It contains many elements of the old gym he'd spent so much time in. There's a boxing ring and a slew of punching bags, but there's also a cardio room with treadmills and exercise bikes. It's also got Murdock's Gym on the sign out front, a fight poster of Battlin' Jack Murdock and an advertisement of his last fight. His robe is there as well encased in glass. Matt will spend the rest of the day exploring those differences in this gym and the one from his childhood. Feel free to come in and disturb him. He could stand to be pulled out of his memories.

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Life has been infinitely better for Katniss since Prim's return to Itinere even if what the sisters have now feels fragile at times. She hates seeing Prim in the state that she's in though she understands where it's stemmed from. Katniss had been heartbroken over losing Prim. Of course it would be the other way should Katniss have been the one to die. But they have each other. And that makes up for all the other heartache associated with their loss.

For Katniss, it also helps that she has her first real friend here in a long time. It's kind of a nice feeling, having someone else that she looks forward to seeing aside from her sister. Sometime during the course of the summer, Katniss stopped feeling guilty about how much she enjoys being around Matt. Slowly, she's started to embrace the way he makes her feel. It's nice. It's really nice knowing that there's someone here who makes her safe and wanted other than her sister.

There are still a number of things they should probably talk about. Like how maybe, she is interested in more than friends. And whether that day at the carnival was just two friends spending time together or a real date. But while Katniss can be brave at times, this is something that terrifies her. Something she avoids as much as possible. It doesn't keep her from seeing Matt as often as possible, though. Or stepping in to the gym when she realizes it's the place he's told her about.

"Matt?" Katniss calls out hesitantly as she steps foot inside. She walks towards one of the punching bags and runs her fingers over it lightly. "Matt? Is this your gym?"

Prim will get better with time, just as Katniss had gotten better with time having her sister here. They may never forget and may never be fully 'okay', but better is good.

Friends can help and Matt is grateful for her friendship as well. It's helped him settle a bit and get a little more comfortable here in Itinere. It's always good to move from guilt to acceptance. It's even better that she's begun to embrace how she feels about him. For Matt, it's still a little scary and he's still very doubtful that he can have this here. He does care about her and he does enjoy spending time with her. That's something.

He hears her long before she steps inside. He smells her as well, that green, spring smell that always accompanies her. He starts down the stairs from the cardio theater when he hears her call out, reaching the stairs in time to see her run her hands over the punching bag.

"I guess," he says and starts toward her, clarifying as he walks. "This part, with the boxing ring and the punching bags, this is my gym, but upstairs there are treadmills and cycles that weren't ever there back home. It's nicer than the one back home too. " He steps up to stand on the other side of the punching bag. "Out for a walk?"

Better is a slow process. They're trying though. More importantly, Katniss is trying. She's trying to help her sister heal the wounds that the uprising inflicted on her. She's trying to help herself accept that it's okay to let people in her life again. It isn't easy, but she hasn't quit yet.

It's nice to be able to do something for someone else. So much of Katniss' life has been built around that. Doing things for her family (her sister in particular). Doing things for Peeta or Gale. Doing things for her country. Yet, just as easily, she'd argue that everything she's done is selfish. Because these are people she can't live without. Or because she wants her revenge. She'd argue that helping Matt isn't doing something for others but once again, doing something for herself. Being attracted to someone the way she is to Matt is a good feeling, regardless of however it makes Matt feel.

She looks up when he speaks, smiling fondly and with a touch of amazement. He always seems to know exactly where she is, without the need for her to tell him where she's standing. His sense of hearing is incredible and something that she envies at times. When he gets close, Katniss is tempted to pull him into a quick hug. Last second, she loses her nerve. Instead she watches where he gestures, taking in the 'new' part of the gym and comparing it to the rest. Regardless of its newness, it seems to flow anyway.

"Yeah. It's nice," she answers, referring to the gym as a whole. Katniss gives the punching bag a slight push. "I severed the rope to one of these once. But I've never actually used it to box. Show me?"

It probably should be a slow process or otherwise it won't be real. That she hasn't quit is the really important part of things. It's also the hardest part of things.

Matt hasn't had many people to do things so regardless of whether Katniss calls it selfish or not, he appreciates it. Really, she needs to learn that doing something selfish that's also good for someone else doesn't preclude it from being good. Of course, Matt also needs to learn to take his own advice as well.

Yeah, he needs to talk to her about that sometime. He certainly wouldn't have minded the hug, but he's unsure if they're at that point in their relationship or not so he doesn't pull her into a hug either. This place is reasonably good at doing that: creating flow between the new and the old.

"Thank you," he tells her, listening to squeak of the rope as the punching bag sways. He smiles at her words. "Only if you'll tell me that story," he says as he moves to take her hands and put them on either side of the punching bag. "Hold it and watch me," he tells her as he draws his hand up into a fist, settles back into a defensive stance then jabs the punching bag. He punches it again, slowing the punch down so she can see how it does it. "It's pretty simple," he assures her as he takes her place putting his hands against the bag to keep it from swaying while she punches it.

It's one of the hardest things that she's had to do in a while. People hold the most potential to hurt you, be it purposely or by accident. It would be so much easier to keep sheltering herself. Katniss has never been good at picking the easy path.

So much is easier said than done. Katniss needs to value herself, learn to like herself again. Maybe then she'll stop considering her actions selfish. She'll realize that befriending Matt is as good for him as it is for her. Small steps. So many small steps.

One of those steps should be talking. It's a step they both need to take. But she's never been eloquent and is almost convinced that if she said anything about how she feels, he'd dismiss her. Would he understand her guilt? How there's a boy back home that had risked everything for her and despite the love she'll always have for him, she's started to feel affections towards Matt, too? How despite the guilt, she still wants to see where things might lead her with Matt?

"It's not much of a story," Katniss admits. It's strange to think that he hasn't heard it. Sure, her private training session in front of the Gamemakers is supposed to remain private but things had a way of making their way out in the Capitol. Especially when a girl from District 12 who doesn't look like much scores a 10.

She does what he says and watches him as she holds the bag. Then she tries to mimic his actions as he holds the bag, frowning a little. "Before we're put in the arena, we have private training sessions. I shot the punching bag." She tries for another punch, wincing as she over extends her arm and pushes at the bag instead of jabs. Her heart skips a beat as she joins Matt on his side of the bag, slipping in front of him. She takes one hand and places it on her wrist, hoping he'll get the hint to grasp her other arm and help guide her movements. "I also skewered the training dummy in its heart and hit one of the lights. They weren't paying attention, so I aimed my final arrow at the apple in their dead pig's mouth. They cared more about their food than me."

That's a good thing and it's another thing that he likes about Katniss. Matt isn't any good at picking the easy path either. In fact, his friends would say that he picks the hardest possible path every time. In the long run, picking the easy path and sheltering herself isn't easy. People aren't meant to be alone and they don't, typically, do well alone.

Of course it is. Most things are, but it's important and hopefully, eventually, she'll get there. At least she will, someday, be able to understand her own worth and her own role in the things that have been done. Small steps are good. At least they're steps forward.

Guilt is an emotion that Matt is very comfortable with. It's a mantle he takes himself often enough. It's definitely something that he can understand though that doesn't mean he'll agree with her guilt. He can be hypocritical that way. Other emotions like attraction and love are complicated for Matt. They scare him because he's had his heart broken before. He won't judge her for loving someone else and feeling an attraction to him. He just won't have any sort of answers for her outside of a reassurance that her feelings are reciprocated. He knows he's attracted to Katniss and his feelings for her are growing beyond friendship. As for what that means, talking about it will probably help him process it. His life is so much less complicated here and maybe that's a good thing even if he does feel like he's going crazy some days. Having the gym here will help because it will provide him outlet for that pent-up energy.

He understands that as well. It's odd to him that no one here knows who Daredevil is. Some of them don't even know where Hell's Kitchen is.

"Keep your wrist straight." He can tell she bent it by the sound of the sharp part of her knuckles hitting the bag rather than the flat part. "Thumb outside your hand," he injects quietly. "With an arrow." It's more statement than question because he's never seen her with any weapon other than a bow and arrow. He hears the way her heart skips a beat when she comes closer to him and he can only assume it has to do with her proximity to him. After all, they have shared some fairly steamy kisses. He does take the hint, fingers sliding along her wrist and the back of her hand to curve over her fist. He stays like that for a moment, hand curved over hers. His chest his pressed close to her back, his legs spread a little wider so that her feet and inside. Rather than look straight ahead, he bows his head. "Step back with your left foot," he tells her. "Your left hand stays close to your body, fist up to protect your face." He guides her into this stance. "And with your right hand you punch out." He guides her through the movement, their joined fists hitting the punching bag. "How did that feel?" he asks, still holding her this way.

As for the private training lesson, he's listening. He promises. "I'm not going to ask if you hit it. I'm just going to assume you did. Who are 'they'? Were there other people or were you just shooting targets in the arena?" He's thinking something like boxing.

It might not be easy to attempt self-isolation but given the life she's led, the alternative remains much harder. She's seen some of the worst that humanity has to offer. Why would she want to subject herself to that potential again? But he's right; people aren't meant to be alone and don't do well alone.

Having that encouragement and positive reinforcement helps with the continuation of those steps. So far, talking to others has resulted in good things. It had given her and Prim protection when Itinere seemed to fall apart. It's given her an amazing friend now.

Guilt is an emotion that Katniss should be comfortable with by now, yet still isn't. She feels it often enough. She'd claim never to have had her heart broken but if she stops to think about it, she has. Her heart had broke when Peeta had tried to kill her under Snow's influence. It had broke again when Prim died, and yet again when she realized how things between her and Gale would never be the same. Love, all sorts of love, has been intertwined with so much sadness. Despite that, she can't help but start to feel for Matt in a way that's much more than friendship.

Following Matt's training helps. It helps her improve her stance and punches. It also helps her from giving in too much to the pain that accompanies discussing the Hunger Games. Then there's their closeness to each other. Katniss likes that most of all. It makes her nervous but it also sends a thrill down her spine. She remembers each and every one of those kisses. She remembers the way his hands felt on her body. How he felt against her. Being reminded of that is really nice.

"Better," she answers in response to his question. His guidance did make a difference in the amount of pain each impact causes. Suddenly, there's a lot less. Or she's very well distracted by Matt. Both? "The Gamemakers," she adds in a few seconds later. Katniss leans into him as she twines her fingers with his. She wants to turn around and look at him but this close, she thinks she might just kiss him the second they're face to face. "They rank us before we go into the arena based on how we perform during that training session. No one else is in the gym. They watch from a room that overlooks onto the floor. It's supposed to give the Capitol citizens a better idea of who to support and how to bet when we're in the arena."

Anyone that's ever been hurt, that's ever seen that side of humanity asks the same thing. Matt has certainly asked it before. He's not sure why people continue putting themselves out there; he's not sure why he is putting himself out there for Katniss. It's not something he thinks about when he's with her, just something that happens.

Good. He's glad it's had a positive effect.

Maybe she needs to convert to Catholicism. They'll make sure she's comfortable with the feeling. If it's any consolation, he's beginning to feel more than just friendship for her as well.

It's always nice to have a distraction when talking about something important, painful or just emotional. He's pleased with how quickly she picks things up. It's obvious that she's had some training and experience fighting. The closeness is easily Matt's favorite thing about this moment and it also reminds him that his feelings for Katniss aren't just friendship. He thinks far too much about those kisses, about the way she felt and the way she made him feel. This definitely isn't just a friendship.

He nods and murmurs a sound of approval when she assures him that it feels better. He'd tried to concentrate on her punches, but he'd gotten distracted as well, distracted enough that he might have stretched the training out a little longer than necessary. When she starts talking about the Hunger Games, he goes quiet, not moving from where he stands so close to her. She's obviously comfortable enough and safe feeling enough this way to talk to him. Kissing her wouldn't be the worst thing to come out of today, but they probably should do more talking than kissing right now. His brow furrows a bit. "They gamble on your performances in the arena?" He sounds a little incredulous . His hands slide a little down her arms to her waist, not exactly holding her, but making sure she knows he's there and supporting her physically as well as emotionally.

She can't say for certain why she's putting herself out there now. Maybe it's because he had been there when Prim hadn't been. Or because he seems to understand the pain that she's gone through without question. He's been patient in giving her time to open up little by little. Katniss can't say for certain why she chose to put herself out there for Matt but she had. He had been the right person in the right place in the right time. It just seems to happen when she's around him.

Maybe Catholicism would be good for her. It would give her a chance to confess to everything that haunts her and seek some kind of forgiveness. Of course, it would be complicated journey. Religion isn't something President Snow would ever allow in the Districts. A belief in something other than the Capitol? Than him? It would never be allowed.

She's always been a quick learner, ever since she was little. If asked, she'd argue that it was a necessity of growing up in the Seam. It also helps when she has a good teacher. Her father had been an excellent one and had made all those long mornings spent in the woods fly by with his lessons of songs and archery. Matt isn't such a bad teacher himself. That might also be the closeness talking. How good it feels now to be near him again. No matter how much she wants to deny it, how she feels for Matt has definitely become a lot more than friendship.

If it had just been friendship, she wouldn't be so distracted by his nearness. Or happy to know that she distracts him, too. If that meant that he stretched out the demonstration longer than necessary, that's okay. It gave her something to distract her while she talked about her time in front of the Gamemakers. Punching the bag had been a little better distraction than just holding his hand. His arms around her waist helps a little bit more. Without thinking, she pulls on his arms to wrap herself up in one of his hugs. But she still keeps her back to him. The more she talks about the Games, the more she just wants to distract herself by kissing him until she can forget she had ever been anywhere else than just here and just now.

"Yeah," she says with a scowl, anger also in her voice. "On who lives and dies and how long. Any part of it is fair games. The Hunger Games were considered the highest form of entertainment in the Capitol."

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