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[adamparrish]

[ OPEN ]

The newly opened mechanics shop in Itinere might not look like much from the outside looking in. But one should never judge a book by its cover. Adam Parrish has never met a broken thing that he didn't know how to fix. He was a tinkerer, a repair man, a fixer of most things. He was the Magician. Inside, one only needed to glance around to find items of all sorts from motorbikes to radios, from lamps to engines, from heating and cooling units to bicycles. Things came into Parrish's Garage and they always left repaired. Given the recent cold snap and snow, there were space heaters littered about the space since the large garage door was open to allow customers in. Music was playing from a radio that looked like it came from ancient times. The boy inside was busily hunched over one project or another. Anyone was welcome to disturb him.



[ CLOSED to RONAN LYNCH ]

The snow was an unexpected surprise. Adam had noticed the strangeness about it, the fact that it continued and continued to snow and yet it never piled up more than what would be appropriate on the front of a Christmas card or in a Norman Rockwell painting. For days since it had started Ronan had been bugging him to go out and go sledding in it. Adam had adamantly refused because getting Adam to do things outside of his comfort zone always took some coercion. For days Ronan hadn't let it rest either mentioning it vicariously or outright until finally Adam caved. Adam always caved when Ronan really seemed to want to do something.

This was how Adam found himself bundled up and out in the cold. He had on a thick coat, a scarf, a wool cap and some snow boots that Ronan had dreamed for him. It was freezing outside and Adam still looked up at the snowfall with a hint of skepticism. He looked down at the trash can lid in Ronan's hand and shook his head. "Okay, nope. That's not a sled." He proceeds to turn on his heel and start back to the apartment building.

Comments

[fictor]

For Ronan, the only time he'd ever experienced the feeling of time standing still had been at The Barns, or in a dream. Most of the time when bad things happened, time seemed to spool out too quickly for Ronan. However, his experiences and Adam's were vastly different, particularly their childhoods. He was simply grateful right now that time wasn't spooling out too quickly so that he could enjoy every second of this moment.

No, Ronan didn't say things he didn't mean. He didn't lie and he didn't say things that he didn't mean.

He kept his silence while Adam worked through what he'd said, quantified it and processed it, giving him a chance to figure it out for himself. "Went to prison for it." No, it probably didn't matter. By the same token, Ronan was terrified, even if it didn't show. He'd veiled his emotions in another person's words, but they were still his emotions and he'd exposed them to Adam. He didn't often expose his emotions. It could blow up in his face. He tried to be prepared for that, knowing that Adam was still uncertain about everything. He wouldn't feel good about what he'd said until he'd processed Adam's reaction.

As Ronan would put it, no shit.

The grin was a decent enough reaction. It put Ronan a bit at ease. It wasn't Adam shoving him away, or telling him to get off him. That was definitely a reaction Ronan could deal with. He smirked at Adam's words, still hovering above him in the snow. It took him a moment to respond and when he did it was almost obvious that he had no idea what he was doing either. "Good damn deal 'cause I'm not planning on quitting anytime soon." Trying to kill him or loving him. Maybe both.

[adamparrish]

There was a long period here where Adam just looked up at Ronan. The silence drew out where it could have been awkward or uncomfortable. Adam didn't feel either of those things though. Instead, he just wanted to say everything to Ronan all of a sudden. Words wanted to gush out of him about how he felt and what he was thinking. At first it was so overwhelming that it was just too many words to process for him to pick and choose what to say.

It took him a long time to settle on one thing. An admission that he would never have said without some assistance. Of course, he has no idea that he's being assisted by the magical snow right now. "I can't believe that you like me. I mean sometimes it's okay and I get it. But other times I know you could have anyone and you like me and I don't get it because I'm... me."

Adam Parrish had spent most of his life being told he was nothing, being called every name in the book and accepting it as truth. And then Aglionby had happened and he kept thinking if he just kept fighting to be better than the people in that trailer park, to be better than his parents, that someday he wouldn't be those awful things he had been called. And then he had friends who liked him and believed in him in ways he had never been liked and believed in before. Adam tried so hard to measure up, to not let them see how awful he was. The fact that Ronan Lynch liked him? It seemed so far out of the realm of possibilities...

"What if you decide you don't like me anymore? What if I do something to make you quit...?" Quit trying to kill him or love him. Maybe both. Adam didn't think he would be able to handle it. The thought was terrifying.

[fictor]

Normally, Ronan would have made it awkward. He would have shot off with some sort of smart ass comment, but today he simply let the moment lie without feeling the need to destroy it. He was feeling the same sort of desire to actually use words and emote about his feelings.

"The fuck's not to like, Adam?" The words came out of Ronan's mouth brutal and brash, as if the truth so unvarnished had been ripped from him. It's something he wouldn't have ever phrased that way without some sort of assistance. "Have you met everyone else at Aglionby? Everyone else in Henrietta? They're Gansey or douchebags." He scowled and pushed himself up to sit in the snow, hands scrubbing over his head. "You're smart and you listen. You pay attention and you're different."

He snorted at Adam's question. "What? Like become a completely different person? You changed when you jumped in the ley line and I just liked you more." Later he'd want to kick his own ass for being so honest, for using so many words and opening himself up to all of this.

[adamparrish]

When Ronan asked what the fuck was not to like, Adam merely gave him an exasperated look that said 'really?'. To Adam, the answer was obvious. Too obvious. So obvious that he was ashamed of it and wouldn't be listing all of his faults out loud. He only counted them in his mind over and over again where no one could see or hear or judge him for them. No way was he going to shoot himself in the foot with Ronan by listing them all out loud.

Adam pushed himself to sit up when Ronan rolled off of him to sit in the snow. He listened. While Adam prided himself on being less Aglionby than most Aglionby boys, he could also easily be embarrassed by the fact, especially at Aglionby. It was a strange dichotomy of emotions over want and wishes and hopes and the reality of Adam Parrish being Adam Parrish.

He ruffled a hand through his hair to get the snow out of it, leaving it even more messy than normal as he looked around for his hat that he seemed to have lost somewhere along the way. "I started noticing it even before that, before the ley lines, the way you sometimes looked at me when you thought I didn't notice. The way you would just show up when I felt so alone that I might suffocate and die and no one would be there to see it. It was like you knew and you were there. And the way you always touch me. No one's ever touched me as much as you have, romantic or not. At least, not without jerking me around and beating me up. I noticed even if I didn't accept it or see it for what it was until later. And even then... crap, I'm talking a lot. Tell me to shut up."

[fictor]

Ronan rolled his eyes at that exasperated look. He might be more inclined to speak right now than usual, but that didn't mean he was going to be a chatterbox. Besides, Adam's look deserved a look of his own. Like Ronan didn't know Adam's faults? He just didn't see most of them as faults, or he didn't see them as a reason not to like him.

There was less Aglionby according to Adam and less Aglionby according to Ronan. They were two different things. Ronan meant it as a compliment. He couldn't stand most of the boys at Aglionby, forget caring about them.

Ronan watched Adam with that intense stare of his, eyes flickering to Adam's hair and back to his eyes. He was quiet for a moment, entirely absorbed by watching Adam. It might have, for a moment, seemed as if he hadn't heard what Adam had said.

In fact, it was possible to believe that Ronan hadn't heard Adam even when he did respond. He leaned back into Adam, his lips crushing against Adam's. HIs hand went to the back of Adam's neck.

He was just complying with Adam's request.

[adamparrish]

Adam would have felt a little bit relieved that Ronan hadn't listened to a word he said, because he knew he was saying entirely too many of them. Especially in comparison to Ronan's lack of them. But he couldn't seem to stop them. He wanted to keep talking and tell Ronan how he felt. But he also didn't want to do that at all. He wanted to shut the fuck up and run and hide. So when Ronan stayed quiet and just stared at him, he was so gracious about it, and he also got really pissed off at Ronan for it. A part of him wanted to say thank you. A part of him wanted to yell at Ronan to say something!

Instead, Ronan came closer so that Adam moved backward just a fraction of an inch with the unexpected of it. Then he was being kissed and Adam was okay with that. More than okay with that. He didn't care that he was sitting in the snow, that his hair was a mess, that he'd lost a good ski cap or that Ronan wasn't saying anything. All of that sort of melted into the background as unimportant things when Ronan kissed him like this.

That hand at the back of his neck was both freezing and warm at the same time. Adam grasped either side of Ronan's waist to hold on to something and steady himself. Then his lips parted and he leaned into the kiss. He would never get tired of Ronan Lynch kissing him. He wanted to bottle it up so he could put it in the cereal box that held all of his most precious things that he only took out to look at and examine when no one was watching. Ronan Lynch was one of those precious things. Not only was that a realization to him that he would have to look further into, but he was so glad Ronan was kissing him when it had occurred to him. That way he couldn't let the words spill out of his mouth unchecked.

[fictor]

Oh, Ronan had heard every. single. word. He just hadn't reacted to them; he'd been too focused on Adam, on his face, on the way he smelled and felt, on the way he looked and on the words he said. It was simply possible to believe that he hadn't heard the words because he hadn't responded to them in any vocal way.

Eventually, Ronan would probably realize they were both getting wet and cold, but for the moment he was too wrapped up in kissing Adam, too wrapped up in the way that Adam tasted and felt against him. Everything was unimportant in the wake of this kiss, including it seemed breathing.

When Adam responded and started kissing Ronan back, he went still for a moment, his heart thudding in his chest. When he did respond to Adam kissing him back, it was searing. He couldn't get enough of Adam's lips or his hands, the way he pressed his body against Adam's. He only broke the kiss when his chest burned with the need for air. he leaned his forehead against Adam's cheek, breathing ragged and hot against Adam's skin. His knee was between Adam's legs, not quite pressed up against him, but close. He supported himself with one elbow, half his weight against Adam.

"We should go home. Get into some dry clothes. I wish we had a fucking shower."

The words were as ragged as his breath.

[adamparrish]

The most embarrassing moment came when Adam lifted his hips up, not a movement he thought out, just one that his body knew it wanted. He was seeking something to grind himself against and right then was when the kiss broke and Adam was left wanting. Then he realized what he had just done and how his body reacted to Ronan on top of him and kissing him at all, let alone like that. Adam gasped for air, closing his eyes and hoping Ronan hadn't noticed what he'd done.

He could still feel Ronan's breath warm against his cheek and Adam was glad that Ronan couldn't see the flush of embarrassment in his skin. Adam turned his head in, breathing in the cool air over the side of Ronan's shaved head. "Dream us a shower." He said softly, his breath fluttering against his skin.

"I don't wanna move. I like you this close right now." More words. But it was the truth of how he felt. Moving meant Ronan would move away from him. Of course, he immediately shivered from the cold, his heavy breath visible in the air.

[fictor]

It shouldn't have been embarrassing; Ronan had noticed. It was one reason he'd stayed close. His own body had reacted the same way to the kiss and Ronan really didn't want to pull away just yet. It would be very clear how kissing Adam had affected him so he stayed close and still, warm and content in the knowledge that Adam did want him, even if he was still confused by it.

He shivered at Adam's breath over his head, down his neck and swallowed hard, breath momentarily taken away by the idea of dreaming a shower, by the knowledge of what that dream would probably be like. "Maybe I will," he responded, struggling against pressing harder against Adam (and thus cluing Adam into just how this was affecting him). "I should probably warn you, that's going to be some dream." He's had dreams like that of Adam before, but never with Adam in the bed with him.

At Adam's words, Ronan quit struggling to be so still and pressed against Adam, lips finding that spot just below his ear, grinding against Adam's hip. "Yeah, but we could go do this inside on the couch."

Because the bed was far too much of a temptation right now.

[adamparrish]

Adam had to smirk initially when Ronan implied that he would enjoy that dream. That is until his face flushed even more once he actually thought about Ronan dreaming about a shower for them and what that would entail. Adam's mind couldn't help but go there too. Of course in his version the shower was tiny like in the trailer where he had grown up with barely enough room to move in and sometimes with cold water when the hot water was frozen or broken. He and Ronan together would never be able to fit into that shower. And that thought affects him too, being with Ronan in a shower.

When Ronan pressed against him, Adam just barely stifled whatever the hell sound that was trying to make its way out of his throat. Instead it was a whispered, confusing thing, like an exhale of air through a tight throat. Yes, he could feel that Ronan was in the same state that he was. Adam couldn't decide whether to be glad for that or afraid of it. He suddenly imagined the pair of them inside in this same position on the couch.

"Yeah. Okay. Inside." Maybe getting up and putting some distance between him and Ronan to walk to their apartment would help him feel less confused about what he was feeling right now. All he knew was that he was extremely turned on by Ronan Lynch right now and he had no idea what to do about it. "Help me up?"

[fictor]

Ronan watched Adam's reactions play over his face, trying to decide what it meant: should he stay in bed to dream the shower? Despite what potentially embarrassing effects it may create. Or should he go dream locked in the bathroom just to be safe? The shower was not going to be tiny nor would the water be cold. Ronan was certain of that. There would be plenty of room for both of them--and Christ on a cracker. There was no doubt that dream was going to end up messy and embarrassing for Ronan, and he probably wouldn't even be able to hide it since he and Adam usually ended up tangled up in each other before the night was over.

Yeah, that sound didn't make this any easier on Ronan. His bit his own lip and let loose a combination curse that was elegant and multi-layered in the way that only Ronan could execute. It was safe to say Ronan was imagining the same thing.

At Adam's agreement, Ronan awkwardly pushed himself off Adam, one knee going into the snow before he straightened up and held a hand out to Adam. "You can change in the bedroom. I'll grab something out of the laundry room and start a fire."

[adamparrish]

With his hand in Ronan's, Adam let him help him up to his feet, easier said than done in the snow. Once he was up, he looked around for his lost ski cap. It was truly lost because it was nowhere in sight. Probably buried in the snow somewhere. "You can dream me a new wool cap too. I liked that one."

He tries to dust off what snow he can. Then he starts walking with Ronan back to their apartment.

[fictor]

"The fuck. You want to make me a grocery list now," Ronan smirked as he shoved his hands in his pockets and started for the apartment. His shoulders were bunched up against the cold. He looked back at Adam, pausing so that he can catch up with him. He wasn't sure how this was all going to play out or what was going to happen once they got to the apartment. It made him a little nervous to be honest.

[adamparrish]

Adam had to run a bit to catch up with Ronan because he had lingered just a bit to look for that wool cap to no avail. Once he caught up though his hands were shoved into the pockets of his coat too, feet crunching in the snow. He watched the ground as they walked.

"There's probably a shop somewhere I can find another one." But really, getting Adam to spend money on anything that wasn't an absolute necessity was like asking a cat to bark like a dog. It just wasn't going to happen.

[fictor]

Ronan smirked, shaking his head at Adam's comment. "Long as you can handle the hangover, I can handle the list." There was a reason that Ronan got all the real groceries in the house and order the pizza and the Chinese takeout.

Once they were inside the apartment, Ronan went straight to the laundry room, grabbing up a pair of sweatpants and a black tanktop. He changes out of his wet clothes trying not to think too much about Adam doing the same thing in their bedroom. He's trying not to put too much pressure on this moment, trying not to overthink it, but it's a big deal. That moment out in the snow had been a big deal. The fire is just starting to catch when Adam walks into the room. Ronan turns to look at him, that particular look sweeping across his face, that one that looks like he's devouring Adam with his eyes.

"You look hot." The words slip out from between his lips of their own volition.

[adamparrish]

Inside the apartment, Adam watched Ronan turn to the laundry room. In fact, he watched until Ronan was out of sight before going to their bedroom. In there he shed his coat, gloves, scarf and the rest of his snow drenched clothes. Make no mistake that snow had gotten everywhere in the same way that sand tended to do when there was an excess of it and one rolled around in it or tumbled down a slope of it, whatever the case may be.

He changed into a pair of sweats and a white tank that Ronan had provided him. Ronan provided him with everything, it seemed. And so if Adam hadn't already had Ronan on his mind (he did because yes something big had just happened between them out in the snow), he would have anyway when he changed clothes. He joked with himself that it might be some big conspiracy by Ronan to make Adam think about him.

Adam walked back into the living room and watched Ronan as he poked at the fire until Ronan noticed him and looked in his direction. Normally this was where Adam would have looked away. But the way in which Ronan looked at him leveled him so that Adam couldn't look away. He lifted his hand and scratched at the back of his head over his messy, dirt colored hair. Three words shouldn't make his chest feel tight and his heart skip a beat. But they did.

"Thanks." Adam said. "So do you." Normally Adam might have stammered and awkwardly side-stepped whatever Ronan said to him like that. But for some reason, the honesty was just tossed right back at Ronan. And that left Adam reeling. "I mean... you... you know. Hot as in good." His lips thinned as he pressed them together to keep himself from saying anything else.

[fictor]

Ronan could feel Adam's eyes on him and it was a new experience (either being watched by Adam or being able to feel his gaze on him; he's not sure which). It was something that he liked. Ronan was equally as drenched; he'd had to drape everything over the counters for fear of it mildewing if he left it in a pile on the floor.

It wasn't necessarily a conspiracy so much as it was a knowledge that Adam wouldn't buy clothes for himself and Adam needed clothes. He needed clothes to lay around in, to sleep in. He needed clothes to wear out when he and Adam went to do things. He even needed old tee shirts and jeans to work in. They'd both come here with the clothes on their back and little else. He tried to make sure that the things he dreamed (or picked up in the shops) were Adam's style and it spoke to his attention to detail (or to the intensity he watched Adam with) that most of the time he succeeded. If that made Adam think of Ronan, well...so be it.

It was different that Adam didn't look away and Ronan wasn't certain whether it was because of something he was doing or because of what had happened in the snow. Yes, they'd kissed before here but out in the snow they'd been making out. There was a difference and not only had they been making out, they'd come back here to do it again. Maybe that shift had given Adam the confidence to look at him. He didn't know. Ronan pressed his lips together watching Adam.

Ronan smirked at Adam's words, shaking his head at the compliment. "I think you're the first person to tell me that." Most people thought Ronan was too sharp, too dangerous looking. Everything about him was a warning to back off, to keep their distance. That took precedence in their minds over the fact that he had been blessed with the Lynch good looks. He took a step toward Adam, bare feet silent on the wood floor.

"I thought that the first day I noticed you, that you were hot, in Latin class. You knew the answer. No one in Latin but me has known the answer...ever."

[adamparrish]

Ronan had done better than him. In the name of getting back to Ronan more quickly, Adam had left all of his things in a pile on the floor in their bedroom. He probably should have brought it into the laundry room but well, it would mildew on their floor because he was a boy who liked another boy and wanted to be where that other boy was.

Who could look away from an intense stare like that? Adam couldn't. And didn't until Ronan finally spoke. Once Ronan spoke it did something to break the spell and Adam looked away and moved in closer to the fire. He knelt in front of it, a foot or so away from Ronan. "I can't believe no one's ever told you that." He says. Not girls who didn't know Ronan liked boys? Not boys who noticed Ronan liked boys? Not Kavinsky? "You're you."

Adam stared into the fire, focusing intently on it now. But he could feel Ronan next to him, close, just as warm as any fire. He smirks. "You didn't even know who I was until Gansey dragged me to Monmouth like a lost puppy he found." Adam joked, waiting for Ronan to joke with him. But when he doesn't, Adam realizes that Ronan was telling the truth.

Adam remembered his first few weeks in Aglionby, how nervous he had been, how much less than others he felt. But he had studied so hard and worked ten times harder than an of the others to be as good as, better than, perfect. "Well... I studied a lot."

[fictor]

Eventually it'd get picked up and tossed in the laundry, if not by Ronan and Adam, by the cleaning service that the apartment provided. Ronan would be flattered (and feel smug and excited) that Adam had wanted to be where he was. He would also be pleased to know that Adam was figuring out that he liked him.

He couldn't tell you since Ronan didn't look at anyone else that way. When Ronan stared at most people it was with the intent of intimidating them, of chasing them away. He shrugged both shoulders at Adam's expression of disbelief. "For the last couple of years, I've been trying to push people away, not fishing for compliments." And before that, he'd been too young to notice what anyone else said or thought. And Kavinsky...well that'd been more of a hate relationship than the sort of relationship that complimented one another. They'd both known they should hate each other.

"I'd already told Gansey about you. Bitched at him 'cause you were doing as well in Latin as I was." He crouched down as well then sat, feet folded up underneath him. "Is it okay when I kiss you? Like I did outside?"

He was aware he was being more honest, more forthright with his questions and using more words than he generally did, but he couldn't bring himself to stop talking.

[adamparrish]

"Yeah but..." Adam shook his head, somehow stopping himself from repeating the words 'you're you' to him again. Because from Adam's perspective, Ronan was a catch in every way. Even with Ronan's pushing people away, he was still a catch for anyone. Adam had never met anyone so giving without being obtuse about it, so brave without being an idiot about it and so loyal without being overbearing about it as Ronan Lynch. That overshadowed anything else in his book.

He couldn't even believe that Ronan spoke to Gansey about him before Gansey had brought him back to Monmouth that first time. He couldn't believe that Ronan noticed him at all, the boy in a second hand uniform and tattered books with dirt on his skin and grease under his fingernails. It just didn't compute in Adam's head, not that he would complain about it. It made him feel good, probably better than it should as it was something right next door to hubris. Ronan Lynch noticed him; Adam Parrish.

The honest question catches him by surprise. Adam initially draws in a breath to answer and lifts his chin to nod. But then he hesitates as he starts to over-think it as he does so many things. He falters there in silence. But he doesn't look like anything is wrong, just like he's thinking. He wants to say yes, it is more than okay and please do it more. But then what does that make him? What does that mean for him and his sexuality? Adam is still grappling with that and it alone is what gives him pause.

Finally, he actually nods. But he still has that look of too much thought on his face when he does. "Yeah. Yeah, it's okay. I like it. It's just..." He hesitates again before continuing. "I don't really understand what that means... for me or for us."

[fictor]

Ronan would actually be horrified if anyone but Adam thought those things of him. He didn't want to be a catch. He'd leave that to Declan, who clearly enjoyed the role. As for those bits and parts of him that Adam saw that made him a catch, that surmounted everything else, those were pieces that only Adam saw. Even Gansey only saw a part of that, the loyalty that Adam had recognized in him. Most of the time, Gansey only sees the idiocy in Ronan's bravery. And everyone else in (living) in Henrietta only saw Gansey's pit bull, a Lynch brother to steer clear of.

Occasionally Ronan did use words with Gansey, mostly because Gansey gives him that disappointed, worried look and prods Ronan into telling him bits about his day in order to assure him that he's not going to self destruct. Ronan had mentioned the asshole that showed him up in Latin. He'd lied and sworn he couldn't remember the asshole's name. It wasn't long after that that Gansey had brought Adam back to Monmouth all but wrapped as a present for Ronan. Everyone needed a little hamartia in their lives. As long as it didn't get out of control (and with Adam that was a given) they'd both be okay.

Ronan doesn't mind giving Adam the space to think about his answer. Even with the snow affecting him the way it is, he knows it's not an easy question. It helps that Adam's expression is one of thought rather than one of wrongness. He can guess at some of the questions going through Adam's head.

There's a still moment between them before Ronan moves a bit closer to Adam. He shakes his head at Adam's words. "What do you want it to mean?" He looks up to Adam, eyes catching against his. "You're my friend. I don't have very many friends so that doesn't change no matter what. I don't..." He seems to bite his words, an attempt of some sort to stop the flood of words. "Outside of that...I don't get it. Does it matter if you like guys or girls? You like me. That's what I care about. That's..." he shakes his head again, hands scrubbing over his freshly shaved head. "Explain it to me."

Right now, because of the snow, because of the moment, because Ronan wants this so damn much he's open and raw, vulnerable in a way that he very rarely ever is.

[adamparrish]

Honestly, Adam would be surprised by knowing that he saw things in Ronan that even Gansey didn't see. He thought Gansey and Ronan to be so close, thick as thieves, this impenetrable wall of two individuals that could never, ever be broken. Not that Adam would want to break it. And not that that wasn't exactly as Adam felt that they should be. But Adam had always had a sense that he was on the outside looking in with them. Part of that, he knew, was his own fault. But it didn't change how Adam had felt. Maybe the invisible and quiet one who saw more than he ever let on had something working in his favor where Ronan was concerned.

As far as Adam could see it was already past out of control. If his father ever knew that he liked a boy, there would be Hell to pay. What would Gansey think? Did Adam care what Gansey thought? Yes, a part of him did care. And Ronan... someday Ronan would see how ugly he was inside. The boy who came from dirt, who was raised with barely more than nothing, who was more bruised and bloody on the inside than he had ever been on the outside, the boy who asked Ronan to dream terrible, ugly things. What would happen when Ronan noticed all of that? Adam's insecurities, born of all the negative things he'd had all his life, were every bit the terrible creatures that Ronan's Nightmares were. They needed no teeth or claws, only thought.

Ronan moves closer to him and Adam has to look up at him with the shift. It's just a glance, but it's what he can do for the moment. He looks back into the fire and one shoulder lifts in a shrug. Was it really that simple? To say what he wanted it to mean and it would mean that thing? Adam wanted to believe that they would be friends no matter what. He and Blue had remained friends even if it got a little rocky for awhile. Although to be fair, a part of that was Ronan's doing, appropriately enough, as he and Kavinsky dreamed over and over again before knowing what it would do to Adam and Cabeswater.

"I guess it doesn't matter that I like you. It shouldn't." Adam added the later with a shake of his head. How did he tell Ronan that he could already hear words, derogatory words, that his father would say if he found out? How did he tell Ronan that in the most Stockholm sort of way he still loved his dad and cared about what he said and thought, that if he were still at home he would still be trying to please him? How did he say all that. "I've never liked a boy before." That didn't even begin to get close to scraping the surface.

"I uhm... I don't know what to do with it. I want you. I want your kisses and to be close to you when we sleep at night. Sometimes I want to hold your hand. I just... don't know what to do with how I feel and I always over-think it." He pauses. "And then these other thoughts get in the way. That you're better than me. That you deserve better than me." When he finally looked up to Ronan, there was that same sort of vulnerability in his eyes. If Ronan reacts to this in the wrong way, he's pretty sure he would run out of the room and just keep on running. "I worry... about my parents finding out. He would be so cruel about it. I know it. But I would hope so much... just like I always do. Like some stupid masochist... knowing the outcome will hurt but hopin' for somethin' different. I can hear him in my head. All the time. Anytime I'm doin' something I know he wouldn't like. Sometimes just... for no reason, I hear him. Do you know what he would do with knowin' you and me were together?"

[fictor]

Ronan and Gansey are thick as thieves. Gansey is his brother, more so than Declan ever has been, but Gansey is too wrapped up in who he used to be to see clearly who he is right now. Besides, Gansey is terrified of the Ronan he was right after Niall's death and he's looking so hard for that Ronan, he doesn't see the man he's become. It's not that Gansey doesn't want to see the person Ronan has become; he's afraid that Ronan will backslide and this time he wants to be there to stop him. In any case, Adam sees more of who Ronan is rather than who Ronan was.

Ronan could tell him, if it was brought up, that Gansey didn't give a rats ass. It had never been discussed (because it wasn't a big deal) but Gansey knew that Ronan was gay. He probably always had. As for the rest of it, did Adam think Ronan was completely oblivious? This boy that could dream objects down to scratches in the paint? To the numbers in a contact list? Down to the watermark on a passport? Ronan didn't miss anything. If Adam sees Ronan for who he really is, Ronan sees the same in Adam. He knows all of that and he doesn't care. In fact,some of those things are part of Adam's appeal: the tenacity and willpower it takes to get to Aglionby from where Adam was, that's admirable as far as Ronan is concerned. Adam is a broken creature, but so is Ronan and he thinks that's why they fit so well. Neither of them have any hope of being unbroken, nor are they interested in making certain the other is unbroken either. It's the breaks that make them both interesting (in Ronan's opinion). Ronan would hate to see the night terrors Adam would dream if he could dream.

Maybe it isn't that simple, to speak what he wanted it to mean, but it's a place to start. Right now, Ronan feels like they're walking on uncertain ground. He never knows when it's going to fall out from underneath him, never knows when Adam is going to change his mind and decide that this is just a phase he's going through. There are few things Ronan is certain of, but the ability to remain friends with Adam regardless is one of them simply because he's got no other choice. Much the way Cabeswater needed Blue and Adam to work together, he needs Adam and not just to fix the ley lines, but because Ronan's world is fragile and it only works with Adam in it.

Ronan nods a little, trying to decide how to take Adam's words, trying to see the motivation and the emotion behind them. He has that intense sort of look on his face as he listens to Adam, gives him the space to say his words, to get it all out before he speaks.

When Adam says that he thinks Ronan is better than him, he snakes one hand out, grabbing Adam's wrist and wrapping his fingers around it. "You're a stubborn dickface so I know arguing the merits of 'better' with you isn't going to do a damn thing. I don't give a fuck what I deserve. God'll sort that out when I die, but I want you and all of your stubborn dickface-ness. I want this whole damn mess. I want you to kiss me and touch me and sleep in bed with me and I want it..." he stops a moment, shaking his head, "forever and now you're an asshole for making me sound like a god damn movie," but he's got the ghost of a smirk on his face. It fades immediately when he has to address the part about Adam's parents. "Do you know what I would do to his face if he said one damn word about it?" The latter is growled. "You're not your father, Adam. Just like I'm nothing like Declan, who happens to fucking know. His nose is crooked now and he doesn't say a damn thing anymore. " Which isn't the point. He runs his free hand over his head again. "They're not here and they'll never know what happens here." His stomach roils with the idea of Adam's parents never knowing, or with the idea of that being the reason that he doesn't end up with Adam. "Yeah, it hurts. I get it because it makes me wonder that if Declan doesn't like it, what would Dad say and I do care about what he thinks, but..." he stops and shakes his head. "It would hurt to know you want me and never be with you because of him too."

He lowers the hand on his head and watches Adam a moment. "I'm not pressuring you or giving you ultimatums. I'm just asking you to do what makes you happy, at least here. When we get back...we'll decide what to do then."

[adamparrish]

Adam had seen very few movies. He couldn't ever afford to go to the movie theater and they didn't have cable. When his dad had been watching whatever was on TV, Adam had scooted right on past to go hide in his room to study or out to tinker with the cars. Needless to say his experience with 'god damn movies' were limited. But if this was what they were like, with Ronan telling him he wanted him, mess and all, forever, then Adam didn't see how they could be so bad.

The words sent a flutter of nerves through him as Ronan held his wrist and spoke so genuinely and evenly. In the back of his mind he could tell something was off with the sheer amount of words they were tossing back and forth between each other, but right now Adam couldn't make himself truly care about that even if he wanted to... which he didn't. All he wanted to do was put those words on repeat to hear them over and over, turn them upside down and backwards to analyze again and again until he fully embraced and knew them by heart. He was desirable. And there was no one or nothing that could intrude on that truth right now.

Ronan is right of course. He's right that the people who might take issue with their being together aren't here to say or do anything about it. It seems so logical and easy without that in the equation. The problem was that saying that they weren't here alleviated some of those concerns but didn't make them disappear.

"I know." Adam nods, looking down at Ronan's hand on his wrist. "I know they aren't here. And I know it shouldn't matter. Logically. They should have nothing to do with you and me." His other hand reaches to uncurl Ronan's fingers from his wrist, not to make him stop holding onto him, but to turn Ronan's hand palm up and slide his own dry, calloused fingertips over Ronan's skin. How often he wanted to reach out and hold this hand, like he felt he would with anyone he liked and was with. But he always talked himself out of it.

"I want to be with you." He needs Ronan to know that. But he also has to be honest about it. "That scares me. It's new. And... what does that make me? Gay? Bisexual? You-sexual? I don't know."

The corners of his lips twitch as he continues to look at Ronan's hand as he touches it, pushing his fingers out straight and then curling them again, touching his palm. "There's a moment when I first wake up in the mornings, if you're still in bed, before my brain fully kicks in, when we're all tangled up and warm and everything feels like it's exactly the way it should be. It's the most content feeling I've ever felt. Happy, I guess. Then eventually my brain always... does what it does. But you... there's happy with you." He smirks. "There's also intense frustration and aggravation with you too, just to be fair. Sometimes you piss me off so much. Sometimes I just want you with me and then everything is okay. Like when you would sleep on my floor at St. Agnes. You just... sometimes you make things that aren't okay, okay."

[fictor]

They can remedy the movies bit. Though, getting Ronan to sit still for a whole movie is a minor miracle. He can occupy Chainsaw and drink while they watch movies. That might settle him enough for a while. And really, what Ronan was afraid of sounding was cliche. In reality that isn't a bad thing. He just doesn't want to voice it.

Oh Ronan is entirely aware that he's using too many words, confessing too many feelings, too many things he'd usually keep buried. Despite that knowledge, he can't stem that flood of words. Right now, he's not entirely sure he wants to. Later he might kick himself for saying everything, depending on how it works out for them. At least Adam is confessing things as well so perhaps it won't be awkward later when whatever is going on wears off. He is incredibly desirable to Ronan, and that much should be obvious from their moment in the snow in addition to the words that Ronan is using.

He doesn't exactly expect the reality of their situation to dismiss all of Adam's concerns. There might even be people in Itinere that will object to their relationship. Ronan doesn't give a flying fuck, but it takes a while to cultivate that sort of attitude and it's something that not everyone does.

Wne Adam first reaches for his hand, Ronan thinks he's going to pry his fingers off his wrist and push him away. There's a moment of panic quickly quelled by the way Adam's fingertips glide over Ronan's skin. He watches their hands, looking up at Adam from beneath his lashes while he speaks.

He nods at Adam's reassurance. It does make him feel better; it makes him feel less frustrated and hopeless, a bit more confident about whatever they've got going on here. He shrugs a little at Adam's question. "I'm in favor of me-sexual," he says in a voice that's a little gruff and lilting with teasing. He's not sure what that makes Adam either and he's not sure if he cares.

"Me too." It's a bare whisper, raw and exposed. His face cracks into a smirk, sharp and amused. "If I didn't piss you off, I'd worry the fuck about your mental stability." He sobers a little then and nods. "Yeah. Okay."