itinere | open | i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

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the raven cycle: adam parrish

open | i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

Since the arrival of the other three members of their group, Adam had been scarce. He purposefully stayed at work at the garage extra late. The sickness had kind of made it an easy excuse for him to bow out of sleeping in the same bed as Ronan. His erratic presence at the apartment made it easy to avoid actually talking. On June 1st though, after hyposprays and everyone being magically healed, it was the first true test for him and Ronan and Adam failed.

Instead of going home, he stayed at the garage until he couldn't stand the same four walls anymore. Then he went out to the forests of Itinere where the ley lines were. He worked on repairing them for Ronan. At least he could do one thing right, one thing to help. Maybe Ronan would notice he had done this for him. Maybe he wouldn't.

Adam would stay out in the forests way past dark, taking his time, doing what he thought needed to be done. Then he would head back in town to walk through the park, sit on a merry-go-round and push at it with his feet to move it around. The metal squeaked and after a quick trip to the garage, he came back to dismantle and oil the merry-go-round to keep it from squeaking so loudly.

Probably another thing no one would notice. Productive, though. Adam Parrish felt productive and useful... busy, even now at some god awful time in the night or morning. And he supposed that was the point.

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Adam hears the screech of the tires as a car comes to a stop, the killing of the engine, a low rumble that had been there, too loud, and then suddenly silent. His hands falter in his work of putting the merry-go-round back together. His heart thrums up in his throat. He takes a deep breath to steady himself. Then he continues his work as if nothing has happened, as if Ronan isn't stalking toward him, as if he can't feel Ronan stalking toward him.

The way that the BMW had parked has shed light on the area. Of course Ronan left the lights on. There is no battery to drain in a car that Ronan dreamed. The bright lights cast Ronan in a long shadow that gets to Adam before Ronan does.

Ronan's words cut, just they're intended to. And Adam knows he deserves them. Still, he continues to work with his back to Ronan. He doesn't feel like he's in danger. Ronan has been pissed at him before, but Ronan has never hit him. Probably because Ronan has seen first-hand the punching bag that Adam has been for his whole life. Adam knows Ronan is probably itching to hit something though.

"What are we supposed to tell them?" He asks quietly. The tenor of his voice is tight but sad, an impression that says he thinks everything is fucked even if he would never admit to that. He's glad Gansey, Noah and Blue are here. But it still feels like the world he and Ronan built here has been tossed upside-down. Just as his world had been tossed upside-down that day when Ronan had hit Adam's father for hitting Adam. He's still deaf in that ear. But he can hear and feel Ronan just as clearly as ever. "I have no idea what to tell them."

Ronan is definitely stalking toward him. He's hurt, unhappy and scared; all of that gets expressed as anger and that anger is splashed across all of his actions: the way he drives and parks the car, the way he storms toward Adam, even his body language and words.

What was the point in having a dream car that needed gas or had a battery that drained?

No, he's not in danger, but it makes Ronan all the angrier, hurts all the more that Adam won't even look at him. Ronan has hit a lot of things thus far in the night, one of them being a man in a bar. His knuckles are bruised and raw from the fight. There's a brilliant black eye blooming across his skin and his lip is split. He'd made certain to pick someone that could deliver some pain as well as take it. He'd picked the fight, goaded the man into it because he'd needed something to hit, but he'd never hit Adam regardless of the fact that he wants to grab him by his shirt and yank him to his feet. He has seen Adam's father hit him and he doesn't ever want to be Adam's father; he doesn't want to be that sort of man.

At Adam's words, Ronan strikes out, his hand slamming against one of the still attached, metal rails. "The fuck do you think we're supposed to tell them? The damn truth!" he screamed. "You're mine. Why is that so hell-fucking-damn hard, Adam?"

It feels like he should have known all along that this couldn't last, shouldn't have even opened himself up to it. Realizing that he cared about Ronan more than just in a friendship way had been a long time coming. Getting himself to a point where he could hold Ronan's hand and kiss him? That had taken forever too for so many reasons. Adam had never been attracted to boys. He'd never kissed a boy. He'd never held a boy's hand. For awhile, he'd felt as if he were flailing with no direction.

On top of all of this, there was his idolization of Ronan Lynch. How could someone like Ronan want someone like him? It made no logical sense. Like Ronan was scraping the bottom of barrel when he could be finding someone better in every way. Ronan might not care what people think. But Adam does. He always has. He wishes he were better than he is. He wishes he didn't feel so confused again, as if they were back at square one with Adam unable to reach out as he'd grown accustomed to doing with Ronan lately.

The sound of flesh hitting metal makes Adam jump out of his skin. His entire body tenses, as if bracing himself. It's a reflex. He can't help it. Then, when nothing happens but more of Ronan's angry words, he slowly relaxes again. Well, relaxes back to the mess he was when Ronan had first arrived. Adam is horrible with confrontation, at least, he is when he doesn't have the broken ley lines driving him mad. When the ley lines are too broken, Adam's temper becomes external rather than internal. Right now everything is internal and this confrontation is so hell-fucking-damn hard, as Ronan will say.

Is he Ronan's? Still? Truly? Are they going to hide it? Should they? What will their friends think? Everything in him is itching to hide in Ronan's embrace as if the other is that cubbie hole back at the Barns, a hidden room away from everything, a safe place where Adam doesn't have to deal with all the anxiety his mind is putting him through. He wants to hold Ronan's hand and lean against him and bury his face in his shoulder. But he doesn't. He stays there, hands resuming screwing the pieces of the merry-go-round back together.

"I don't know." He doesn't know why it's so hard. He doesn't know why he can't be more like Ronan. Why is it that he can fix everything but himself when he's the most broken thing he's ever seen? Why is Ronan still here? Can't he see how not worth his time Adam is? Worthless piece of shit, his father had said that so many times.

"I don't know how to be us around them. I don't know what's gonna happen." Finally, he looks up to Ronan, eyes wide and brimming with an anxious emotion. "What's gonna happen?"

Okay. Look. It's really bad when Ronan is the optimist in the relationship. Ronan lives very much in the now, somewhat aware that his chances of making it to thirty with the current way he lives is slim. He doesn't plan for the future much. He likes the present (usually) and inhabits it as fully as he can. Part of that is that he's 17 years old, another part of it is that he found his father murdered and if Niall couldn't make it to old age, how is Ronan going to? Still another part of him is just Ronan and living in the moment is what he does. In any case, he'd been afraid of this, afraid of what would happen if anyone from their world showed up because Adam was so uncertain about his choices, about his own sexuality. In short, Ronan knew what he was getting into. He just doesn't like it now.

As for all that, Ronan thinks it's crap. He obviously does want him or he wouldn't be here putting himself through this. Contrary to what many people might think, this isn't fun for Ronan. Yes, he enjoys fighting and racing and drinking, but only when they're done for the sake of doing them. His fighting and drinking tonight had been fueled by hurt and he didn't like hurting this way, but again: Adam is worth it, at least to Ronan.

He sees Adam flinch and there's a part of him that hates himself for making Adam flinch, but there's a part of him that doesn't care. Adam did this. Let him get a good look at what he's done. It never occurs to him to actually hit Adam. That would be like hitting Chainsaw or Matthew: a part of his own heart. He wants to protect them, not hurt them which is why Chainsaw is at the apartment. She doesn't need to be out with Ronan when he's like this.

Since when has Ronan hid anything? Dreaming aside. As far as Ronan is concerned, he is still his and he's got no intention of hiding anything. They're friends. Unconditionally accepting things like this is in their job description. Ronan thinks Gansey has known he's gay for years. They accepted Noah even though he's a ghost and Blue despite the very glaring fact that she's a girl. That's what friends do. Will it be weird and awkward for a little while? Probably, but Ronan likes making people awkward in general. Ronan wants him to do all of those things. He wants this fight to be ended that quickly. There wouldn't be any need for words or discussion. If Adam would just wrap his arms around him, they could forget this fight because Ronan Lynch has decided this is precisely the sort of fight he doesn't like.

At Adam's words, Ronan scrubs both hands over his freshly shaven head, hooking his hands behind his neck and pulling hard on it while he listens to Adam, grounding himself in the moment, tamping down that anger. He's still here because he loves him, not that he'll say those words. He's still here because Adam's father was wrong. Yet again. Adam is an amazing boy who can do wonderful things. He's a good person. Cabeswater would have taken him over by now if he weren't.

"It's going to be weird as fuck for a little while and then it'll...just---Christ, Noah's a ghost and we all got okay with that. It was weird for a little while and then it was just Noah. We'll tell them then we'll order pizza and throw Noah out the window. It'll be fucking awesome." His words have an edge. He sounds like he's pleading with Adam, but only if one knows Ronan very well. "I'll tell them they can fucking deal, then we'll let Gansey copy all your notes about this place in his journal. This is not the weirdest fucking thing to ever happen to us, Man."

Adam is used to causing aggravation and frustration in everyone but Noah, really. Noah is the only one who seems to deal with the idiosyncrasies that come with being Adam Parrish in stride. Which honestly, makes Noah a saint. Because Adam knows exactly how frustrating he can be with his stubbornness and his insecurities and the chip on his shoulder and his self-loathing. Adam is a mess. It takes a saint not to get tired of that.

He watches Ronan scrub his hands over his face, back over his head. He knows Ronan is feeling that frustration. He knows it's his own fault. Just days ago Ronan was happy with him. Even when he was sick they had a certain air of companionable friendship between them, almost domestic. Look at them now. Adam did this. Adam broke this... thing, this good thing, this relationship between them.

Ronan sounds so sure as he speaks. Adam takes the tiniest bit of comfort in that. If Ronan is sure then everything is the status quo. It's when Ronan starts to question himself that Adam knows he should worry the most. And Adam doesn't miss that slight edge of pleasing to his boyfriend's words. Ronan never does that, not unless he really wants something that might be out of his grasp, like driving the Pig or... or keeping Adam Parrish as a boyfriend, apparently.

Adam turns back to look at the almost reassembled merry-go-round in front of him. He's silent for a long time. Ronan is right. Their being together is not the weirdest thing to ever happen to all of them. Noah is a ghost. Blue is a girl. Ronan is the Greywaren. Adam is the Magician, as Persephone had so often told him.

When he finally speaks, it's with that uncertainty that he had felt when he and Ronan had first started being together in this way, the first kisses and touches and whispers that no one else could hear. "Are you sure you wanna go through all of that for me?" He asks. "Because if you stay sure about it, I can try to stay that way too." Meaning he doesn't want him and Ronan to stop being him and Ronan. He's just not sure how to move forward.

He could piggy back on Ronan's certainty for a long time until his own certainty could stand on its own. Right not as sure as he felt about how he feels for Ronan, it's been wounded by Adam's own thoughts upon the arrival of the others. He needs help.

Noah is a magical pony who also lays claim to being Ronan's best friend. Saint doesn't even begin to cover it. Ronan is far from a saint and he doesn't take Adam's insecurities in stride the way Noah does, but he's not leaving either. He thinks that should count for something...no that he wants to be a pony, magical or otherwise.

Yes, he's frustrated and he's angry and underneath that he's hurt and scared. He's invested in this thing between he and Adam. He's in love, whether he'll admit it or not and Ronan doesn't do heartbroken gracefully. Contrary to popular belief, Ronan does have emotions that aren't anger and when he actually allows himself to feel those emotions, he does so one hundred percent. His friendship with Gansey and Noah are testaments to that. He's not half in love with Adam; doing anything by half isn't worth doing. He's entirely in love with Adam and he's afraid that right now that's all breaking. He doesn't know how he'll survive if that's what it comes to. The correct answer is with a lot of alcohol and self destructiveness.

Ronan is certain because things had been good between them up until a few days ago. He's certain because he's known Gansey since he was a kid. He's certain because Noah forgives him things like throwing him out the window. He's certain because he doesn't make friendships lightly but when he does, he makes good ones that won't be bothered by something like this.

While Adam is silent, Ronan is restless. He shifts his weight, scrubs his hands over his head, runs his fingertips over the stubble on his chin. He fiddles with the St. Christopher's Medal around his neck. He wishes, idly, that he smoked so he'd have something to do with his hands. Waiting silently isn't easy for him, but he gives Adam the space he needs because his life sort of fucking hangs in the balance here.

When Adam speaks, Ronan knows that it's going to be okay. He moves forward, grabbing a handful of Adam's shirt and pulling him to him. "Shut up, Parrish," Ronan says before he kisses him. It's hard and sloppy, a kiss that claims and brands, a kiss that's anything but uncertain.

That restlessness just a few feet behind him might as well be audible. Adam might as well have eyes in the back of his head because he can feel it as surely as if he were actually seeing it. He can feel Ronan's discontent so thoroughly that it's like fingernails raking down his back from the crown of his head all the way down his spine.

And then, just as surely as he had felt that agitation, he felt it dissolve with his words. He felt a relief at that dissolution, some of the tension easing out of him even as he he felt Ronan's hands grabbing the back of his shirt to haul him to his feet.

For a moment he's flailing, not sure what's up or down or left or right. There's a brief terror that he's about to be hit but no... no, this is Ronan. And there are Ronan's lips against his and it feels right and good when he finally starts to kiss him back.

Adam's end of the kiss is desperate and wanting as his index fingers hook in both front belt loops of Ronan's jeans to hold on to him and pull him closer. Adam likes Ronan's belt loops. A way of holding onto him without grasping too tightly or seeming too needy, even though maybe he is. Because he's missed this, kissing Ronan Lynch.

Yeah, Ronan isn't good at being stealthy. Everything about him screams 'look at me'. It's not easy to turn that off even when he intends to give Adam space and quiet to think. He's trying? That's got to count for something, right.

Perhaps Ronan should be more careful with Adam, more gentle, but he is sometimes. Perhaps he should try particularly hard to be more gentle when he's been drinking a lot the way he has tonight, but Ronan isn't very good at gentle, particularly when he's been drinking. Maybe, one of these days, Adam will trust him enough whether he's been drinking or not to know he won't hurt him, but years of instinct are hard to over come and Ronan knows that. It doesn't bother him that Adam flails, that there's that moment of terror. When Adam finally starts to kiss him back, Ronan relaxes a little more, truly letting go of that kernel of fear that this won't be okay.

Ronan loves the way that Adam hooks his fingers in his belt loops, holding onto him, making it clear that he wants him here, wants him closer and he does move closer, his hips bumping against Adam's. His hands relax in Adam's shirt and slide across his ribs, around his waist to his back, biting and kissing, sucking at Adam's lips. The BMW's headlights throwing harsh, blue light across them.

Ronan is impossibly closer, warm and real against him as they kiss. After weeks of feeling that distance, first because Ronan had been so sick and then because of Adam's own descent into his own insecurities after Gansey, Noah and Blue had arrived, he can't get enough. Like a dehydrated man in the desert in need of water and Ronan is that thing, so sorely needed.

In the back of Adam's mind he thinks about how they're in public. About how anyone can see them clinging and kissing like they're both starving for it. It makes him slow down just a bit for only a few seconds before he pushes that concern away and kisses his boyfriend again. Are they still boyfriends? Adam hadn't broken that? A part of him feels like he broke him and Ronan. Another part of him hopes like hell that he hadn't.

He wants to tell Ronan that he's sorry for being so much work, for almost screwing things up, for being so unsure. But he can't bring himself to form the words. Ronan knew what he was getting himself into when he'd pursued Adam Parrish. Instead, he asks against those lips that taste like beer and Ronan. "Are we okay? Are we going to be okay?"

Ronan is just as hungry for that closeness, that warmth and solidness. He needs it to feel okay, to keep from spiraling out of control. The only reason he's not worse is because he has been so sick. Tonight would have just been the tip of the iceberg if Adam hadn't caved. Ronan doesn't have the insecurities that Adam has, but he has fears: fears that he'll lose Adam because the others have shown up.

Ronan doesn't think about the fact that in public. Ronan doesn't care that they're in public. He knows that behaving like this in front of people could make him the object of ridicule. He'd probably get into a fight if anyone ridiculed him right now. Ronan doesn't really register when Adam slows down; he's far too focused on the kiss, on the way Adam feels against him. As far as he's concerned they are still boyfriends. Adam didn't break anything; he just scuffed it up a little. It's nothing that can't be fixed.

Ronan likes a challenge. He always has. If there's an easy way to do things Ronan takes the difficult path. Easy is for other people. Ronan slides his hand up to Adam's face, the heel of his hand against Adam's jaw, his fingers against his cheek. "Fuck yeah we're okay," he answers against his lips before he kisses him again.

There's a voice in the back of his mind that says they could still run into trouble. Maybe Adam won't want to acknowledge him in front of their friends. Maybe he'll want everything to be a secret and Ronan isn't sure how he'll handle that. At one time Ronan was fine with Adam Parrish being his secret, but he hasn't been a secret for so long and he's not ready for Adam to be a secret again.

There is always trouble on the horizon with Adam Parrish. The same can be said of Ronan Lynch. And the irony here is that while they're both scared of the possibilities of trouble ahead, they've set themselves up for it if just by choosing to be something more than just friends. Combined, Adam and Ronan, together, would inevitably find more trouble than either of them could possibly presume.

There is some part of Adam who wants to keep it a secret. Partly because he grew up with an abusive father and assumes most people will be like Robert Parrish, hurling insults and making assumptions rather than accepting and not letting this define the both of them. Partly because Adam has so rarely had anything that was just his. This, between him and Ronan, here in Itinere, has thus far been just his.

On the other side, there is a part of him that can hardly stand the weight of it were the others not to know. Partly it's a matter of pride. Someone like Ronan Lynch finds him attractive. Someone like Ronan Lynch wants him, desires him. Adam Parrish is not the bottom of the barrel as his father has led him to believe his entire life. And Partly, the weight of holding onto this secret with people he considers friend might just crush him. He's used to reaching out for Ronan when he feels like it. He's used to touching and looking at Ronan like he would with a boyfriend, not just a friend. How stifling it would be to suddenly be unable to do that.

Ronan's assurance is like a salve. He's still pent up with insecurities. But this is something. He wants to tell Ronan that he needs him, to be his, to be strong for him, to keep him from crumbling and hiding and backsliding... But instead he kisses Ronan, or returns that kiss. What else can he do when Ronan is kissing him like this?

And if they don't find trouble, Ronan will make it and coerce Adam to join him in the trouble. There's an excellent chance that Ronan won't be as self destructive with Adam. That's something.

If Adam wants to keep this a secret, Ronan will try and maybe he'll be surprisingly good at it. After all, he kept the dreaming a secret from Gansey for years upon years. Though, if Ronan figures out that Adam wants to keep it secret because of his father, Ronan will be less inclined to keep it a secret. There are plenty of reasons that he'll let Adam keep this a secret, but that's not one of them. The others...they can talk about it.

Ronan thinks that the weight of keeping this from the people closest to him might make him explode. The dreaming had been different. It had been a secret that Niall had made as natural to Ronan as breathing. He doesn't even remember the first time Niall told him that he couldn't tell anyone. It's a secret he's always kept. Adam was a secret for months, a relatively short time and for months more he hasn't had to keep this secret. He's not sure he can stuff that secret back down.

In some ways he does say all of those things with that kiss. Ronan doesn't necessarily need to hear the words. The actions are enough, at least for now. Ronan threads his fingers up into Adam's hair and kisses him one more time, biting his bottom lip as he pulls away.

"Come on. Let's go back to the apartment." Because he needs to be in a place that belongs to both he and Adam.

If he can convey all that through a kiss, even better. He knows he's asking a lot of Ronan, to carry them both for a little while so that Adam can sort all of it out in his mind. But it's what he needs. Without Ronan carrying them both, just for a little while, Adam feels like he might shrink into nothing and fade away into the background, self-sabotaging everything good about himself and Ronan in the process.

That bite to his lips can be felt everywhere. It's as if his whole body reacts to it. And then it's gone and Adam is left breathing out the breath of air that had caught in his throat. For a few moments he's frozen there, standing and staring at Ronan and the minimal space between them. Then he nods, unhooks his fingers from Ronan's belt loops and turns to gather up his tools into his tool box.

"Is it just..." He hesitates. "Is it still our apartment? Just ours? Or...?" Or will the others be there? Will they have to speak in whispered tones and sneak around behind closed doors? Adam can't say he wouldn't do that for Ronan. He thinks he would do anything to feel the warmth of Ronan next to him every night, as accustomed to it as he had become since they started it.

He's asking a lot of Ronan, but Ronan is okay with that. Eventually he'll want Adam to take some ownership of this, to declare his feelings for Ronan, but for now he doesn't mind carrying that. He doesn't mind waiting for Adam to sort everything out in his mind.

Ronan would be lying if he said he didn't love the way Adam reacts when he does things like that. Driving Adam crazy, leaving him breathless, is one of Ronan's favorite things to do to Adam.

He scowls at Adam's comment. His tone of voice doesn't match the scowl; it's too soft, too tender around the edges. "Don't be a dumb ass, Parrish. Of course, it's just ours. Gansey's got Monmouth. Noah and Blue are living there." He doesn't mention that sometimes they might as well. That's for after Adam figures things out, after they've told everyone else this secret. "Besides, where would we put everyone else? Place is too damn small for guests."

Eventually, Adam will carry his load. And it's also possible that all of this is bigger in his mind than it will actually turn out to be. But whether he's justified in these fears or not, whether his insecurities have a leg to stand on or not, they are his own. He feels them as if they have a solid foundation beneath him that can never be broken. Unfortunately.

With his tools gathered, Adam turns to Ronan in time to see him say they had no room for guests. No, they don't. But Ronan likes to live with Gansey and Adam has never been sure about living with Gansey. Adam almost feels like he's keeping Ronan away from that.

He gives the merry-go-round a spin. No squeaking noise. Then they start to walk to the BMW. "If you want to stay at Monmouth... I mean, I don't wanna keep you from that." From Gansey and Noah. Ronan had been sleeping on his floor at St. Agnes more and more often in Henrietta. But somehow this whole scenario was different than that.

Ronan is actually all right with Adam taking his time. That doesn't mean that he won't push Adam out of his comfort zone any and every chance he gets, but he will be patient. Maybe Ronan can become Adam's solid foundation, which is a contradiction to everything else that Ronan is.

Ronan has been living with Gansey for over a long time. He's also been living with Adam for several months. He wants the best of both worlds whether it's possible or not.

He hangs back a little, watching as Adam gathers his tools and spins the merry-go-round. He doesn't speak right away. "Maybe I will some nights, but I don't want to give up a space that's just ours." He won't make Adam stay with him at Monmouth and Ronan will be over there a lot, but he really doesn't want to give up what he's foundw ith Adam either. They already split their time between the Barns and the apartment. He doesn't see why they can't add Monmouth into the mix.

What would Adam do on those some nights when Ronan slept at Monmouth? He'd stay in the apartment and miss Ronan, probably. They would see. Adam can help but worry about things before they even get around to happening. He has questions that can't be answered until they're actually happening. Patiently waiting for questions to be answered was not his strong suit (see: Adam sacrificing himself to Cabeswater).

At the BMW, Adam popped the trunk and put the tool box in the back. Then he closed said trunk and slid into the passenger seat. He would ask Ronan to just drive, but he could still taste the beer on his own lips from kissing Ronan moments before. Better not to drive any further than the apartment.

"I know I'm messing this up." He says once Ronan is in the driver's seat. "I just don't know what I'm doing. Or why. Until I'm doing it. Then it makes perfect sense... until it doesn't anymore." Until he found himself alone and missing Ronan and not knowing how to close the gap that he himself had made. But then that was the nature of Adam Parrish. Everything has to be difficult.

Ronan would try to drag Adam with him. In any case, yes. That's something for Adam to worry about later. Ronan lives enough in the now and has enough faith in the people he cares about that he doesn't fret over things that haven't happened, things that are immediately happening.

He hangs back and watches Adam put his things in the trunk of the car, only moving to the driver's side once Adam moves to the passenger seat. Driving is something that Ronan would love to do and while he may be self destructive, he doesn't want to hurt Adam. Technically, they should probably walk the short distance to apartment, but Ronan isn't likely to leave the BMW there.

Ronan listens to Adam, running his fingertips over his shaved head. When Adam goes quiet, Ronan looks up to him. A moment later he reaches over, his hand going to the back of Adam's neck, pulling him in close and crushing his lips against Adam. "I can be a secret," he finally says against Adam's lips, "but don't shut me out."

Pulled into another bruising kiss, Adam is all too easy to be complicit in the act. Ronan kisses him. He kisses Ronan. Thoroughly. Completely. Hungry for it after the days of not having it while he was sick and while Adam had been his own ship without a rudder. Aimless and directionless until now.

Those words hurt because he knows -- he knows -- that Ronan doesn't want to be a secret. And he knows that he had been shutting Ronan out because he thought maybe in some twisted bit of fate that that was what he (Adam) deserved. This was the bottom falling out that he had been waiting for, he thought. But no, it didn't have to be that way.

"It's okay." He leans closer, stealing another quick kiss, his kisses much softer than Ronan's, quieter and sweeter. "When it comes out, it's okay. We'll go from there when it does." He kisses him again. "We can... play it by ear."

One reason that Ronan is able to bear being a secret, able to bear Adam's waffling about them and his inability to express his feelings about their relationship and Ronan in words, is because when Ronan kisses Adam, Adam kisses him back with every bit of passion and desire that Ronan puts into those kisses. He can feel the way that Adam feels about him in his kisses.

No, Ronan doesn't want to be a secret. Ronan has carefully crafted his entire being so that he is noticed. He has his secrets, but they're few and far between. They're big, important secrets and none of them involve his hiding. However, for Adam, Ronan will go unnoticed. He will tolerate being a secret. He will rein in his actions and his emotions, his body language and all of the things that make him Ronan. He won't like it, but he'll do it.

He's still getting used to quiet and sweet. He likes those kisses though. They make him feel as if he's something to be fragile with, something rare and special, something to be cherished. He swallows hard at Adam's words, nerves fluttering in his belly as he tries to stifle that happiness that usually only bubbles up in him when he's dreamt something amazing, or when he's driving too fast, that happiness that he's unaccustomed to having a person be the source of. "Okay," he finally whispers back then hesitates before he kisses Adam back. This time he's trying to mimic Adam's quiet and sweet kisses. This time he's trying to impart that same feeling of cherished and special, of grateful and of love.

How much he likes being with and being kissed by Ronan Lynch is evident each and every time they're together. If Adam had been thinking more clearly, if he wasn't so afraid of rejection and judgement and of being hurt in a way that doesn't heal like the bruised and split skin he had suffered at the hands of Robert Parrish, he would have gone straight to Ronan to work this out as he should have done.

Asking Ronan to pretend this wasn't something real didn't settle as well with Adam as he had thought it would. It was like putting Chainsaw in that sad little cage in Ronan's room at Monmouth. It just wasn't right. Birds should always be allowed to fly. Ronan should always be allowed to be Ronan. That's why he's trying to make himself okay with it.

And the way that Ronan kisses him back, gentle, like how Adam kisses him, makes his chest feel tight as his heart skips a beat. He likes the way Ronan kisses him usually, like he wants nothing else in this world but that kiss, like he needs it. But this, this is different. Has Ronan ever kissed anyone like this, or is Adam getting to see sides of Ronan that no one else sees? Maybe this side is born of being with Adam. Either way, Adam feels cherished and special.

"Ronan..." He whispers Ronan's name into his lips even as he turns and comes up on one knee. His hand rests on the back of the seat next to Ronan's head and he leans in to kiss him again. Still soft, but more... an underlying intensity, a message of want. He wants Ronan to know that he wants him, wants to be with him. His actions lately have been born out of fear.

Ronan hadn't been certain that there was anything to work out, but he'd suspected it from the moment that Gansey, Noah and Blue showed up. He'd suspected when Adam started staying away from him, but he'd tried to tell himself that it was simply because he was sick. He hadn't really believed himself and yes, he wished Adam had come straight to him. However, he did eventually come to him and that counts for something.

Reason #87 that Ronan doesn't have any doubts about the way he feels about Adam: despite the mess that is Ronan, Adam doesn't want to change him. He doesn't want to tame him and make him more socially acceptable. Ronan appreciates that more than Adam probably knows.

Adam has always gotten to see sides of Ronan that no one else sees. He has definitely never kissed someone else this way. He didn't even know he could kiss someone this way. This is all Adam teaching Ronan about softer and more gentle things.

If the way Adam whispers his name wasn't enough to make Ronan a little crazy (it is) then the way he kisses him would be. Ronan groans a little at that kiss. He slides his hand to the neck of Adam's tee shirt, pulling it down, stretching it as he tries to pull him closer. WIth his other hand, he fumbles with the controls on the side of the driver's seat so he slides the seat back further.

If he knew that Ronan was learning anything from him, he would be shocked. Ronan has always been this perfect enigma to him, something to aspire to. That pedestal couldn't be any higher than it is. Adam feels as if he's learned so much from Ronan. And he also feels like Ronan should have nothing to learn from him. Ronan learning from Adam Parrish?

Well... right now maybe they're a mixture of things they've learned from each other. Ronan's gentle kisses and Adam climbing into Ronan's lap to straddle him in the bucket seat of the BMW once Ronan makes room for him. He reaches back to flip he switch that would kill the beam of headlights to keep from drawing too much attention.

That done, he cups either side of Ronan's face and leans down to nip and kiss at his lips. Yes, this is definitely what he should have done in the first place instead of running.

Adam is teaching Ronan things every day. How to be more patient for one. How to have a relationship for another. He's also teaching him about kindness, gentleness and romantic love.

Ronan knows that Adam is learning confidence from him. He sees that every day and it's what he wants most for Adam to get from him. Ronan groans and hisses a string of curses between his teeth. This might be his favorite thing that Adam has learned from him. Adam settles into his lap and Ronan's hands go to Adam's hips, head tilted back, pressed against the headrest. He watches him intently as he leans in to kiss him, eyes closing at the last minute as he tries to relax, to surrender to this and let Adam have control. That's another thing that Adam is teaching Ronan: how to give up control and liking it. He kisses Adam back, his thumbs pressing into Adam's hipbones as the only sign that he's having difficulty not taking over right now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

open | i heard that you make old things new; so I give these pieces all to you

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