itinere | and i've lost who i am and i can't understand }{ dated may 9th

and i've lost who i am and i can't understand }{ dated may 9th | OPEN

Open

It had taken Prim years to learn to wear colors again, to risk wearing a shirt that might form that classic duck tail. Even so, she refused to wear anything fancy. Boots, pants, shirt, maybe a skirt, depending on the day and whether or not she could handle it. Her mother became dependent on her presence and Prim had leaned directly on her in return. Wherever one would go to see Annie, the other would follow. They lived in District Four now, unable to manage the sorrow of Twelve. President Paylor was doing the best she could with Panem and just about everyone agreed that it was better. No more Hunger Games, no Games with the Capitol children, mainly because barely any had survived. Some were lucky, like Prim, but they all had their scars. Limbs missing, burns that would never heal.

All of them hurt. And Prim's guilt for surviving was often too much to bear.

It's on one of her not as good days that she opens up the door to their house and steps out into a town she thought she'd dreamed. Her brow creases and she lets go of the door. It clicks shut defiantly, locking her in. No matter how hard she tries, it doesn't open. She's stuck.

Stuck here, in what she is increasingly convinced is a nightmare.

"This isn't real," she tells herself firmly. "I'm going to wake up. I'm going to be in bed. This... this isn't real."

She takes a few steps, mostly so she won't be standing there, waiting for something that might never come. Her feet carry her anywhere, everywhere. All over. Unthinking. Uncaring.

"Not real."

Closed to Katniss

Eventually, she makes her way to the Apothecary, her feet still remembering the way, even though she hasn't had reason to be here in years. Prim still isn't sure she believes any of this and from what she's heard, she worries that everything is just haunting her. This isn't real.

Isn't real.

Isn't real.

She picks something up, a glass container of some herb she can't remember. Her fingers slip, refusing to hold on and the glass vial hits the floor, shattering. Prim frowns at it, staring at the floor, at the shards, at the pieces glinting up at her.

Like the pieces of herself.

She still can't tell if she believes it.

"This isn't real."

She grinds her boot into the pieces, listening to the crunches.

Crunch, crunch.

A tear slides down her cheek as she imagines other times she's stepped on glass. Concrete. The remains of a bombing or something else. She can feel the shards pricking her hand.

crunch

ow

crunch

ow

Today is not a good day, she thinks as she slowly slides to the floor, curling up amidst the shards. They hurt like pinpricks. Maybe that means something. She leans against the counter, her knees pulled up to her chin, and rests her head against the hard surface. Tears slowly slide down her cheeks and she just waits for the nightmare to end.

"This isn't real."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It hasn't been easy. Every day since she woke up to find Prim gone, and every night that she's fallen asleep knowing that her sister still isn't back have felt as painful as any cut or burn she's ever experienced. She misses her sister more than she knows how to describe. Losing Prim once had been hard. Losing her twice still feels near impossible sometimes. She had given in to hope that she could have a life with her sister here in Itinere and that hope had been dashed.

But at least she isn't as alone as she thought she would be. She's spent so much time in Itinere keeping to herself but since meeting him, Matt has slipped under her shields. It's not something Katniss meant to happen but it has, at least, kept her from falling into the severe depression that she had experienced after losing Prim in the Capitol. She spends a good part of every day around Matt. He keeps her talking, from falling into that state of mental Avox that she had experienced last time. He keeps her from denying all human contact because when he hugs her, she can almost feel like she can still breathe.

As tempting as it can be, she doesn't spend every second of the day around Matt. He has his own life to live and even though she has moments where she doesn't want to live her life, she has her own. A part of that includes going by the apothecary every day. She keeps it neat and clean, just in case her sister ever returns. What she doesn't expect, when she enters today, is to see the blonde girl curled up on the floor. There's something familiar about her, something that makes her chest hurt. Tears prick her eyes as she stands there in the doorway staring.

There's something familiar.

But she has yet to see her sister grow to this age. As far as Katniss is concerned, given recent events, this ought to be impossible. But there's something familiar.

So, finally, she speaks. Barely a croak of a name as she blinks back tears: "Prim?"

Prim's long sleeves and long, loose pant legs hide most of her burns. Her hair has grown back and she looks normal for all intents and purposes. She doesn't feel normal; she hasn't since the day she woke up to hear her sister was dead. She hasn't heard that voice in years, three years -- she probably should be 17 after her time in Itinere, but when she'd gotten back and after everything had happened, she had begun to think that was a dream; everyone says she's 16 now, so that's what she goes by, too.

But the second her name is called, Prim's head shoots up, eyes wide as she searches for the owner, even though she knows that there's no way that owner could be here. Her sister has been gone so long that some days she can't even remember what her voice sounded like it. In this moment, it all comes rushing back to her, like she's just woken up and someone -- a nurse, because her mother couldn't do it herself -- is telling her that her sister is dead.

Tears spill over Prim's cheeks like rivers as her gaze lands on her sister. "Katniss?" she whispers before she shakes herself visibly. "No... no you can't be. You're... you're..."

Dead. Gone. Not here.

"You're not real!" Prim finally chokes out before she buries her head in her hands and lets the sobs wrack her body. She'd thought she was done crying over her sister, thought she might be okay after all these years. Apparently, that was a lie, too.

It's much like that for Katniss. Although it might be spring in Teleios, she still wears her father's hunting jacket and long pants. With the exception of the burns on her neck and the few burns on her face, it would be difficult to tell that Katniss had ever been within range of those bombs. Although it's only been a year for Katniss since the end of the uprising, enough hair has grown back for Katniss to have a normal enough appearance at first glance. But she isn't.

Her sister, however, looks as every bit beautiful as Katniss remembers. Even with the burns, she'd think her sister absolutely beautiful. And she is. She's here, here and alive, and Katniss has never thought her sister more gorgeous. It's clear that she's older than Katniss remembers but it isn't by much. She had been what, nearly fifteen before she had disappeared? She looks about sixteen or seventeen now. Not that any of it matters.

Not even Prim's protests matter all that much. Although it feels like a stab to her heart as Prim insists that she isn't real, Katniss pushes past the pain the words cause to run forward. She never liked seeing her sister cry. The same is especially true now.

"I am," she insists, wrapping her arms around Prim's body and pulling her sister's head to rest against her chest. Any fights from Prim won't stop Katniss. How else is she supposed to calm her sister? "I'm real, Prim." She tucks her sister's head under her chin, eyes closing as Katniss' own tears finally start to fall. "I promise. I'm real, Prim. And I'm here."

At first, Prim does fight. Not like a Victor, not like someone who could actually do damage, but like a rabbit terrified out of its mind right before the jaws of its personal nightmare close over it. Slowly, slowly, Prim's sobbing intensifies and then decreases, the tension in her body finally giving way to bone-weariness. Some part of her is finally accepting that this might actually be real.

When she can breathe again and her arms have fallen back to her lap, when her head leans more on Katniss than off, Prim speaks again. "You were gone," she whispers, her eyes still squeezed tightly shut, like this is still a dream, like she'll wake up any moment or open her eyes to find that someone else is holding her. "They said... when I woke up, they said you were gone. You shot President Coin and then you shot President Snow. And then you took the nightlock. I woke up and you were gone. You weren't coming back."

Taking a deep breath that shakes like trees in a storm, she finally shifts so she can see the person claiming to be her sister. Her eyes search Katniss' face, taking in the familiar features. Though she had been losing the familiarity of that voice, the second she heard it again here, it snapped back into her memory as though it had never been lost at all.

"I'd almost forgotten the sound of your voice," she admits softly. "I missed you so much... but I don't understand how you can be real."

Prim's fight isn't anything like the fights of a Victor and because of that, she holds on. She would have held on regardless because it's her sister and she needs to comfort her. What kind of sister would she be if she didn't do that? If she let Prim shake and scream and cry without trying to do anything to help her? Katniss has to hold on to Prim even as she fights because she doesn't know how to do anything else.

Eventually she does calm. Katniss takes a deep breath as her sister stops her struggles and finally relaxes against her. That Prim calms helps to calm Katniss. At least, she calms until Prim starts to sleep. Some of it makes sense. Katniss won't forget killing President Coin. She won't forget trying to take the nightlock tablet. But Peeta had stopped her. And Prim? Prim had never fallen asleep. She had died. She had died and nothing Katniss had done could bring her back. At least, not until arriving in Itinere.

Katniss has no doubt that this is Prim. But it's hard to comprehend her memories. She strokes Prim's cheek softly as she meets her gaze. There's concern written all over Katniss' face. "We're in Itinere," she tells her. "Don't you remember? We were here together before. Remember?"

Itinere. It's such a familiar and yet foreign word, like a dream. Or a very distant memory. A frown creases her face as she listens, processing as best she can. A part of her wants to reject all of this, to save herself the pain of getting her hopes up. She doesn't think she can bear another loss like this.

But part of her insists that maybe Matt was right. Maybe this place is real and if it is, then maybe... maybe Katniss is real. Maybe she's alive here.

Fighting the urge to break down into tears again, Prim just buries her head against her sister's shoulder, just like she used to. It feels so comfortable, so right, but she's so scared it could disappear at any moment. So she stops relying on her eyes and starts feeling what she can. If this ends up being a dream like all the rest, she wants to remember it.

"I don't know," she admits, her voice strained. "I think... the name sounds familiar, like a dream, but it's so hard to remember." She chews her lower lip for a few seconds. "Someone else said it was real, told me you were here, and it sounded like... like something I should remember. It's just been so long since I saw you... it's so hard to tell what's real and what my mind made up because they said I couldn't process the fact that you were gone."

It's like what Peeta went through and the two of them did what they could for each other, but without Katniss they both had to find their own ways. Peeta was helping others with what he was calling "Expressive Arts Therapy" and Prim had continued her training as a doctor. But still, some days her mind would wander if Katniss had really died or if everyone, if President Paylor, had told them she was dead to fool them and keep them in line. Just like Snow. Just like Coin. Those were dark days for Prim, few and far between, but with her sister's arms wrapped tightly around her again, she can't help but wonder.

You can try all you want, but sometimes hope slips through. Katniss wishes that it was different. She wishes that she hadn't let herself get used to having Prim in her life again. She wishes that she hadn't let Matt in much more recently. But hope sneaks in no matter what you do. Katniss can't bear any more loss in her life either and yet, she keeps making the same mistakes. Keeps letting people in and hoping that the girl standing in front of her really will remember the time they spent here together.

It feels right. Prim's head against her shoulder feels exactly as it ought to. This is her sister. Slightly older than she remembers and apparently living a life that she never should have, but still her sister. That's all that matters. Prim's back.

"I am real," she promises, unsure of who spoke to Prim but grateful to whoever that person might be. "I promise, Prim. I'm here and I'm alive and I'm not going to leave you, little duck. I promise."

She hasn't stepped foot in Panem for over a year to stay here with Prim. Her sister has to understand how important she is to Katniss. This is their second chance at being a family again. She won't let anything interfere with that chance.

Prim has always known how special she is to her sister. That has never been questions. Even now, the two of them are so entwined that Prim could never believe, even for a second, that Katniss didn't love her or would abandon her if there were even the slimmest chance for hope. So whatever it was that they told her sister about Prim's condition, it wasn't the truth.

President Coin probably had them tell Katniss that Prim was dead so she would shoot Snow. It had worked. But Coin had died directly following and then Katniss had taken her own life because for her there was no other choice. No hope left. Nothing to live for.

Here, hope blossoms painfully in Prim's chest and though she knows this will be harder on their mother, she also hopes that she'll come through the door herself someday. Because Prim isn't going back. She can't, not to a world in which she loses her sister every morning in her dreams.

Prim chokes on another sob, her arms tightening around her sister again. "I'm never leaving," she promises. "I just want to stay here. I'm missed you so much."

But that reminds her of something else and the thought helps her pull herself together again. "Um that man... Matt? He also said you have an apartment here. I didn't want to go until I knew you were real, but maybe...?"

It would give them somewhere more private to catch up and help Prim's memory.

If it had been Coin's idea to lie to Katniss about Prim's health, the plan had completely backfired on the woman. President Snow had never lied to her. He had used Peeta against her. He had threatened her repeatedly. But Snow had never covertly manipulated her. She ultimately had less reason to kill President Snow than President Coin. The decision had been clear to her.

She had been lucky that Peeta had stopped her from taking the nightlock pill. She owes Peeta everything and when she thinks about him, about that, she feels a stab of guilt that she's slowly falling for another man. But she had made her decision about Itinere the day she walked through the door to see Prim standing there. She wouldn't be going home. And Peeta would be better off without her.

"I missed you, too," Katniss tells her, choking back a sob. She had missed her so much and had been so afraid that Prim wouldn't come back. "We don't have to go anywhere. Not if you don't want to."

She takes a deep breath and pulls back enough. This wasn't the way that she wanted Matt to meet her sister but she's grateful that he was here for her. "Matt's right. It's our apartment. I didn't touch your room."

The Peeta that Prim knows wouldn't blame Katniss for loving someone else. He would want her to be happy. Besides, if she's happy and here, then she's alive and happy and that would be enough for him.

Prim lets Katniss pull back, her eyes feasting on the sight of her sister again. A part of her is still unwilling to believe that Katniss is alive again and a part of her just never wants to let her go. After a minute or two, she finally manages to force her voice to cooperate again.

"Can we... can we go there? Would that be okay?"

Maybe a little rest, somewhere that's private and secure and theirs, will help Prim more than anything else.

It's still far from easy to deal with her emotions sometimes. She's not in love with Matt, not yet, but she likes him a lot. She likes him a lot in the same way she once liked Peeta. Regardless of the men that may or may not be in her life though, what matters most to Katniss is Prim. And if Prim's here, that's all Katniss needs in her life. It's all she's needed for the past year.

Katniss had felt much the same when she had first come here and saw Prim again. It had been so hard to initially accept that Prim was alive. But she had wanted it so much to be true that she had to fight those doubts. She thinks she observes a similar dilemma crossing Prim's face and she hates it. She hates it so much.

"Yeah," she says in as reassuring a tone as possible. She slips her hand into Prim's and gives a small tug in the direction of the door. "It's not that far."

Prim will have to learn to fight that battle, to. Maybe together they can help each other make it through their bad days. They always have before. Why should now be any different?

As Katniss twines their hands together, Prim pushes herself to her feet, finally showing just how much she has grown. For one thing, she's taller. She might never be taller than her sister, but she's closer to the same height now. Much closer than she ever was before. It's an adjustment for them both, as Prim barely remembers how tall Katniss was, just that she was shorter. Her long blonde hair wasn't tightly braided today, so several large chunks have fallen out since then, framing her face with curls. For the most part, she looks normal, what she should be for her age.

The burns are still hidden and will be until she changes clothes.

"Okay. I don't remember, so you'll have to show me."

She vaguely remembers a place, but not where it is or how to get to it. Still, she trusts Katniss, she always trusts Katniss, and she knows her sister would never steer her wrong.

"Have you... have you been okay here?"

She might have appreciated Matt's explanation, but she trusts Katniss' and hopes that this place hasn't been terrible for her sister, especially while she was gone.

It shouldn't be any different now. Katniss will do whatever she can to help Prim adjust to life here in Itinere. She doesn't want her sister ever wanting to go home. Katniss doesn't think she can bear losing her sister for a third time.

The growth spurt is obvious. Katniss isn't all that tall to begin with, but it's nice to see her sister has caught up in height. Her sister has grown up and it's something beautiful to see. She wants to tell Prim how beautiful she looks and how proud she already is for pushing past whatever pain must haunt her. It doesn't matter if Prim has scars. Katniss' skin is far from perfect because of the explosion that claimed her sister's life. No matter what, Prim looks beautiful.

"That's fine," she says, slowly leading her sister out of the pharmacy. "I'll show you everything you need." And tell her everything that Prim needs to know, too. Anything to make her sister adapt more easily to life here. "This is where you work, by the way. Here at the apothecary."

Katniss offers Prim a reassuring grin as she ponders how to answer the next question. Things with Matt are... they're good, aren't they? He's her friend or something more. Definitely something more; Katniss likes kissing him too much to be just a friend. But she's not sure she wants to mention that right now. Instead, she offers: "You were here with me. How could I not be okay?"

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject